The events leading up to my death
were a lot like the rest of my life.
Things didn't go exactly as planned.
If you asked me what the odds in an amateur hanging
going off without a hitch were, I'd say about one in three.
A few things can happen: Put the noose too high?
Swing for hours.
Too low? Choke for minutes.
But hit that sweet spot the neck'll snap just so.
One in three.
Okay. One in four.
I was born a gambler.
Cards, dice, sports, horses.
I'd bet on anything if the odds were right.
But now I've lost a bet that cost me more than money.
It's cost me my family.
My family defies all odds.
Five kids; all boys.
The odds in that?
One in sixteen.
Five boys from three different women?
One in three hundred.
Staying married to my first wife through that?
Somewhere south of zero.
That's my eldest son, Nuts.
Born during a heat wave.
His mother says that's what gives him his temper,
but I think the kid was born with a sour disposition.
Nuts wasn't one for school.
All he ever wanted to be was a pro boxer.
But, well, things didn't go exactly as planned.
That's my second boy, Cal.
Poor kid inherited my weakness for women.
I knew pretty early on
when he found a way to join an all-girls prep school.
Now that one cost me a small fortune.
Come Christmas he shows up with a different gal each year.
And let's just say he's got a type.
After Cal came my third boy, Jacob.
Smart, organized.
Holds down a real job.
You know, when you say it all together like that
makes me wonder if he's mine after all.
Now I'm no saint.
Fact is, I'd probably catch on fire
if I ever did step foot in church.
So, long story short: her name was Champagne.
And nine months later,
boy number four shows up on my doorstep.
The kid's got a lot of heart.
Everyone calls him Juicebox because, well,
I wouldn't call a kid slow, but...
well, he's got a big heart.
Goldie forgave me for Champagne.
But you know what they say: fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, you're divorced.
Sometimes life throws you a curve ball.
A tiny, Vietnamese curve ball.
After what became colourfully known as The Saigon Incident,
Goldie, quite understandably, left me.
But she never stopped being a good mom to the boys,
even the ones that weren't hers.
And that's my family.
The most unlikely bunch you'll ever chance upon.
And seeing as I'd sooner die than see any harm come to them,
today's going to be the last day of my life.
The odds of surviving a trip over Niagara Falls are long.
It's happened exactly once.
Back in '53 some kid lucked out.
But he had an adult-sized life jacket on,
so I'm not sure it counts.
Now that's not to knock what the lil' tiger went through,
but a boy that small in a life jacket that big?
The kid's practically a fuckin' pontoon.
But I don't want to beat the odds here.
For once I want them stacked against me.
Just like I stacked them against my oldest boys.
So I need a miracle.
For my family.
For fate to erase the weight of all my misdeeds.
A reversal of fortune.
A resurrection.
A real, bona fide miracle.
But I don't believe in miracles.
We're gathered here to mourn the passing of
Edward "Duke" White.
Some of us knew him.
Some of us loved him.
And apparently some of us are just here for the free donuts.
Duke never did anything the normal way,
so it's no surprise we don't have a body to bury.
Move.
And, of course, Duke wasn't much for church.
Fact, only time he ever got anywhere near the bible
was when he swore to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but.
In case you were wonderin', he didn't.
So instead of reading bible verse,
I'm gonna recite the lyrics to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Freebird.
Mom didn't show?
We couldn't get ahold of her. Why are you late?
Flight was delayed and I had a detour on the highway.
What was her name?
Candyanna.
Even her name makes me want to put on a condom, or strip.
Would you two shut up? We're at a goddamn funeral.
What's up Cal?
"Lord knows I can't change. Lord help me, I can't change."
Now I'd like to have Duke's five boys come up here
and place a personal memento in the coffin.
He was...
the best brother a man could have.
He was the worst father a man could have.
Wait - a bus pass?
I didn't know we were supposed to bring presents.
That's my watch.
Cal.
Please don't make a big deal about this.
Cal, that's my watch.
Do not make a big deal about it!
Don't! You sto...Cal!
Fuck off, Cal!
Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! What's the matter with you?
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Throwin' punches like that!
Snap the wrist.
Breaks my heart we had to trot out Ole' Rusty.
Come Christmas dinner - there's Rusty.
Everybody's birthday party you know Rusty's gonna be invited.
But... Ole' Rusty at your father's funeral?
This family's got a certain reputation
and tonight you boys pretty much cemented it.
Think we can get through the reading of the will
without having to call a paramedic?
I can.
Shut up.
You know what? I gotta take a piss.
I'll be right back.
Alright, where's the waitress in this place.
Thank you!
But I'd rather you sprayed mace into my mouth.
But I will let you try this very nice
single malt scotch I've discovered.
You discovered it?
Yeah.
Yeah? You fucking Magellan?
Circumnavigating the globe in search of flavour?
Don't put on airs with me, okay?
I've seen you drink lighter fluid.
I remember that. It made you weird.
I don't know what you're talking about.
It's good, isn't it?
Pretty good. Bottoms up.
Jacob, what happens when we die?
Ah, wow.
I don't know, Todd.
What I do know is that good guys like you go to heaven.
Dad was a pretty good guy, huh?
Yeah, he...
he was a good - yes.
He was a...
he was a good...
Ah, you know what, buddy?
Don't worry about it. He's probably not even dead.
He's only been gone for two weeks.
Really?
Yeah, really.
Don't do that.
Don't do what?
Don't give him false hope.
Just bear the kids' feelings in mind.
You want me to think about the kid...
This is coming from - I remember when the two of you
put Xs and Os all over his face with permanent marker.
He went to school and they called him Tic Tac Todd! Huh?
That was a decade ago! How do you even remember that?
Are you used to holding on to small things?
That's hilarious.
See what I did right there?
When I said 'small things' I meant something different?
'Kay, guys. Got some drinks here.
I meant your penis.
Beer.
Thank you.
O.J.
And a Mint Julep.
Ah, you know what, doll?
Actually, this is not a mint Julep.
This ain't the Glass Slipper, Princess.
It's a beer with a shot of Peppermint Listerine --
about as close as you're gonna get.
Think she's bad news, Cal.
No. Her?
Tattooed on her back.
Oh, yeah, it is.
Alright, before we read the will
should we have a little toast?
Yeah.
To Duke.
May you be forty years in heaven
before the Devil knows you're dead.
I can't drink this.
Last Will and Testament of Edward White.
My Boys: I'm leaving you with a heart full of regret.
I should have been a better father
and been there for you instead of myself.
I should've settled down and been a better husband.
Your mother was a good woman.
Juicey's, too.
Even Soo Ling wasn't that bad.
And, most of all, I should have led a life
that didn't end with a list of regrets.
The fact is the only thing I don't regret is you boys
and I'm proud of you all.
So let's get down to who gets what.
To Nuts, I leave my bar of silver.
Remember to keep your chin up -
there's always a silver lining, Boy-o.
To Cal, I leave the White family wedding ring.
Marry a good one, son.
And be sure she's a good one.
Can't run around like a bull in a vagina shop forever.
To Jacob, I leave the Elvis suit
from the '72 Burnin' Love tour,
worn in Phoenix and Albuquerque.
Wait - wait a sec.
Who wore it in Phoenix and Albuquerque?
It does not really say.
To Juicey and Todd,
I leave three hundred and eighty in cash.
Truth is, I'm not sure what you're in to,
so just buy whatever it is you're in to.
And it better not be drugs.
And as for the house,
I'm leaving it all to you boys to live in.
Just so long as you don't kill each other first.
And that's who gets what. Now for the hard part.
I've done a terrible thing.
Nuts, Cal, Jacob -
you may recall that drug testing thing
I signed you up for back in '99.
Are you male? 18 to 31? Non-smoker?
If so, Bovastradde Pharmaceuticals
has an opportunity for you!
Now this ain't an excuse.
But I was concussed at the time.
A man doesn't think clearest after a concussion.
And just ask Rudy Arbour what you can do
with the two thousand dollars!
I got a Ski-Doo with my money.
And I only had to take two pills a week for a month.
It paid you two grand each.
Wait a minute. We never got two grand.
That's not right. We got one grand.
Yeah.
Duke took fifty percent. Finder's fee.
They paid you two grand each, but it turns out
there's a lot more money involved than that.
This morning, a lawyer shows up
asking me to pass on documents to you boys.
Some kind of legal settlement that I would have known about
earlier, but you know how I feel about letter mail.
So I forged a few signatures to speed up the process.
Long story, short a hundred thousand per head.
I wanted to find the right way to break it to you, is all.
And there's no easy way to say this next part.
But I saw all those zeroes.
Holy shit.
They're off!
I could tell you it was a sure thing.
I could say I was doing it to make you all a pile more dough.
Plus a finder's fee for myself.
But that doesn't make it right.
And the strategic long shots I backed
to recoup my initial losses.
Well, weren't so strategic.
Now there's no easy way to say this,
so I'm just going to come out and say it.
Nuts, Cal, Jacob.
Boys, you three are going to die.
Excuse me?
What?
Let me see the damn...
Let me read it. Let me read it!
And it's my fault.
The side effects of Affekterol are
mood swings and loose bowels.
The one long-term side effect is much worse:
permanent cardiovascular damage.
Affektorol weakens the walls of your ticker.
Now a stiff breeze could do you in.
It's bloody amazing none of you have cashed out already.
Now I figure a man who's done what I've done
is only fit for the grave.
I can't look at you boys.
Or myself.
So I'm gonna go on dyin' cause I can't go on livin'.
Goodbye, boys.
I love you all.
Even if I never did show it very well.
Maybe it's just all a mistake.
Take Todd and Juicey home.
Maybe Duke just got it wrong!
Take Todd and Juicey home.
Okay.
Come on, let's go.
I don't believe it.
There's no way. We're fine.
I'm fine. We're fine.No way, right?
This is years ago.
Dad's always shaky on the facts, anyway.
We're not dyin'.
If we are, my liver goes first.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck.
Yeah?
So is baby brother ready for his debut?
Ah, no. Not at all.
Tank Boy is.
Cracked two jaws of his sparring partners this week.
The whole pie, that one.
Yeah. Just don't let him kill Juicey, would ya?
Oh, we're just padding Tank's record, is all.
But ping pong it is not.
Three good rounds.
Piss.
What's the matter with you?
You fighting tonight and you eating this?
It's like giving your stomach a...
perm.
It's still on?
Yeah.
I just... I just thought-
Yeah - no. Nothing's changed.
Now hit the gym and take off these stupid ...
Who did this?
Me.
You got beaten up by Todd?
Please.
I'd hardly call it "got beaten up".
Really?
Okay. It was a lucky shot and if I had any warning...
I got combo'd.
You little twat!
It's on!
Hey, relax. Sit down.
What's a twat?
It's, ah... the smallest cone they got at Dairy Queen.
Fuck you, Todd.
Relax! Put your pants back on and go hit the gym.
Hopefully you do better against Tank-Boy
than you do against ten-year-old Asian kids.
Hey!
Can't talk. Gotta shower.
Come on.
You know he's retarded. Don't pick on him.
Hey, Toddy.
Nuts is making me a racecar pancake.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm tryin', Toddy.
You know.
I'm sorry. I...
What?
You know, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
But that? That's a cock, buddy.
Yeah. What are you eating for breakfast?
Well, I am attempting to turn the food pyramid on its' ass.
I'll even eat your freaky little erotic cock-cake.
Who cares anymore?
Would you quit it with that stuff, 'kay?
We're gonna be fine. Alright?
When I hear we're dying from a guy like dad,
all I think of is the million tall tales he ever told.
Dust settles, Maxie turns to me and says:
"Duke, that man you just coldcocked?
Bette Midler!"
On the Virgin Mary's eyes. Swear to Jesus.
Duke could teach a master class in bullshit.
You know what I think?
What's that?
I think you're in denial.
Don't tell me what I'm thinking.
This is what you do.
This is what you do in life. You ignore the facts!
I do not!
And then you get defensive.
Wrong again.
And then you lash out.
Fuck you!
We're not dying.
Yes we are.
What?
I just got back from the doctor and he told me flat out
we are dying.
Your vitals are still solid.
Right.
Won't know for sure without the blood test.
Right.
Look, if you did take Affecterol...
I did.
I mean it was years ago, though.
Well, you've got an opportunity here.
Okay.
Is there anything you ever really wanted to do, son?
Well, oh, like a million things!
Do 'em.
Duke dealt us a bad hand, bro.
A bad hand? I didn't even get cards, okay?
I got like a bus transfer and a fucking coupon for tampons.
It's a wake up call. I'm going to make a list.
Sounds like a very "you" thing to do.
Things are gonna change.
I got like a million things I want to do.
I actually thought that that would be something
that you would do. It's weird.
What do you mean you thought...?
I was just thinking, like, I wonder what he's going to do?
What? What do you mean...
Are you guys fucking high? We're dying!
Where's your anger?
Come here, Nuts. Come here.
What're you doing? What are you doing?
Just giving my big brother a hug.
I don't want a fucking hug.
Why?
Oh, Christ.
Gerbil.
It's a lot of death for one week, isn't it, buddy?
You want one?
What?A hug?
Yeah. I'm just handing them out.
No, no, no, no. No.
Yeah. Come on, we're not...
I'm cool with it. It's cool.
Honestly, you're cool with it, Cal?
We're dying and you're cool with it?
Okay, alright.
I'm not cool with it. Alright?
I'm not fucking cool with it. I am the opposite of cool!
Okay? We're dying!
My life is a mess
and I know we're going to end up just like Duke!
I woke up this morning next to a woman
and let's just say that I walked where angels fear to tread.
Oh boy.
Morning.
Yes. So it is. Morning.
Did we, um...
did we do it?
If by "it," you mean going a couple of minutes,
throwing up in my purse and then crying yourself to sleep,
then yeah - ha ha -we did it.
Sorry. Yesterday was...
very emotional for me.
I buried my father, allegedly.
You mentioned that. I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.
Duke lived his life so hard he made Iggy Pop look Amish.
Um, wait a second: Duke? Duke White?
Mm hm. Yeah. Why? You knew him?
Oh my God.
I'm going to end up like Duke, I'm going to end up like Duke!
No, you're not.
Yes I am.
Listen, I don't want to play Junior Freud here,
but by the transitive property of penises...
I think I fucked Mom last night.
What's that?
The waitress. Dad and I both slept with her.
Something has to change in me.
The ring - it was a sign. You know?
I gotta stop whoring around and I need to settle down!
Yes! Yes!
And I think I know who with.
Don't say it.
Don't...
Miranda.
Oh, God!
She's the one who got away.
No! She didn't get away, Cal.
She got incarcerated!
She's the only woman who ever gave me that rush!
That wasn't a rush!
That was Chlamydia!
You don't understand.
You don't understand and that is fine, alright?
I want to feel what it feels like to be with her.
Again.
You don't know her like I do!
This is not the right move, okay?
This is like - this is like you're killing yourself
before you're dying!
Before you're killing yourself.
Do you know what I mean?
Come here.
I'll take that hug now.
Oh, you're ready for your hug now?
I love you, Cal.
I love you, too.
Alright, let's butch this up before Nuts comes back.
Oh, Jesus!
It's all fuckin' Steel Magnolias in here.
Just a hug.
It's a brother hug, man.
It's like we're in Europe with all this man huggin'.
Europe. That's a good idea.
Europe.
I think I'd like Europe.
No, no, you wouldn't. I've been there.
It's very... swishy.
Yeah, no. They can elect him king.
There is no King of Europe, Nuts.
Fine. Queen.
That's funny. That's very funny.
It is funny.
I'm not taking your shit anymore, either, by the way.
That's on my list.
I love you both, but growing up with you was fucking hell.
Yeah!Oh, come on!
We were fucking kids. What do you want?
We would play Hungry, Hungry Hippos
and I would shit marbles for a week and a half.
That wasn't fun for me.
Oh, come on!
You know what I did this morning?
I quit my job.
Yeah, hi, it's Jacob.
I won't be coming into work today.
I quit.
And tell Jerry in H.R. that he's a total...
dick... weed. And an asshole, too.
It felt better than anything that I've done
for the last ten years of my entire life.
So starting today I'm going Evel Kneivel on everything.
I'm going to take every stupid risk I can.
All my life I've been worrying about the long run
and there is no long run anymore.
There's just - there's just this sprint.
And it's standing right in front of me.
It's a fucking sprint.
It's a sprint!
You fucked that kid up. Not me.
I'll take half the blame.
Hi. I'd like to make a withdrawal.
Okay.
And close all my accounts, please.
I'll take it.
We are gathered here today to bid farewell to Mister Amazing.
Mister Awesome.
Mister Awesome, yes, was just a great gerbil.
Hamster.
Yes.
He, um...
will always be remembered as a - just an excellent...
chewer.
Happy trails, Mister Awesome.
Come on. Buck up --
we'll get you another one.
I don't want another one.
Hey: what do we do when we get upset?
Walk it off.
What? No, no, no, no!
Hey, hey -- the other thing.
That's right. We hug through it.
What, really? Really?
Didn't see that one coming.
You're the best brother in the world.
Oh, you want some more, Tank-Boy?
I'm the worst brother in the world.
Come on, boys! Stick it, stick it, stick it!
Okay, one, two!
I want to hear a slap.
Stick it.
Boys! Work it.
Hey! Fight's cancelled.
Is it, now?
Juicey ain't fighting.
Well, Tank-Boy is.
An' I don't care a lick who he kills
so long they're light-heavyweight and get hurt.
Here's your money back.
Let me be blunt, lad: ya took your money.
You been bought. No refunds.
Don't make me go to the office and get the Management.
No, is...
How much to call it off?
Twenty.
Thousand? I don't got that!
Really? Puffy vest?
Whiff o' Old Spice? Prison-grade tattoos?
Here I had you pegged as old money fer sure.
No fuckin' way you're makin' twenty grand off this fight.
Well, don't be daft, lad. Of course not.
But I'll make a far sight more in two years times
when an undefeated Tank Boy, in on the fix,
loses to an unranked pug no one's ever heard word of.
Jesus!
I got the chessboard out -- yer playin' bingo!
Okay, boys. Take a break.
Fine, fine, fine.
Just, just keep the management out of this.
I'll... I'll find the money.
Sure you will.
You'll hop on yer unicorn, you go shake down a leprechaun.
See you later.
I'm approaching one ninety.
From the North. What about me?
As a fighter?
Yeah.
Yer a little past your prime, my friend.
No one would pay to see that.
You're just padding his record. Plus you get this back.
Tank Boy! Come here.
Meet a legend.
You ever heard tale of Nuts White?
Why they call you Nuts?
Just a nickname.
No! Eddie White. 12-0.
Never fought above the undercard.
Never touched the canvas.
But he's not called Nuts
on account of his pugilistic talents.
No! But on account of every fighter in the country
is magnetically drawn to punching him in the balls!
Undefeated.
And all disqualifications for shots to the cherries, huh?
Everybody smells the fix.
Everybody knows his old man is riggin' his bouts.
And now ol' Nuts can't even line up a bout o' diarrhea.
'Til today.
So I'm fighting?
You're fighting.
Let's get back at it, boys!
Yeah.
This is AT&T.
You have a collect call from...
Wait - I'll press it. Do I press a zero now?
You have sixty-three cents in your account.
Press one to accept the charges.
Ma! Hey, ah, talk quick.
I'm almost out of minutes.
Honey!
I am so sorry.
I just heard about Duke.
Wendell and I were at a meditation retreat.
We just got back this morning and I'm on the next plane.
Is everyone okay?
I can't get anyone at the house.
It's -- it's been a crazy day.
Oh, sweetheart.
I know you and Duke had your ups and downs,
but your father was many things.
Some of them good, some of them not so good.
But he loved you boys. And if he could...
Out of minutes.
Oh, fuck.
Well, I'm getting married.
Come to the right place, then. I'll talk you out of it.
No, no. I don't need your blessing.
I just -- I just want the ring.
Who's the lucky lady?
Miranda.
Is she aware of your intentions?
Ah, no.
I haven't seen her for years, so, no.
Okay. You just got some pretty terrible news
and I'm guessin' you're still drunk.
So I'm inclined to believe that
you might not be thinking all that clearly at the moment.
You're forcing my hand here, okay?
My hand is forced.
My office.
The Wall of Fame.
Fuck. She's married.
And then some.
So her second marriage?
Actually she's a three-peat.
It's not what you think, either.
She didn't get one divorce.
They died.
All of 'em.
Now, her first husband, he got shot.
Sure they called it a hunting accident, but two in the head?
Ten in the groin?
The second husband died the day after they separated.
This time they called it driver error.
I don't know how many errors a fella could make
in the trunk of a car.
And the third fella, he didn't make it through the honeymoon.
No one knows what happened to him.
Well, most of him, anyway.
Now, I'm not saying she killed 'em,
but somebody should slap a warning label on that gal.
Do you get the moral of the story?
Think I do.
Good.
She's single.
Thanks for the ring.
Yeah. Thanks for the car keys.
Can't let you go, buddy.
Fine.
Don't break the window.
That's your car?
Wow. What'd you carjack a beautician?
It's a rental. Believe in signs, pal?
I believe in not marrying the girl
who invented the Body Shop.
Duke wills me a wedding ring
on the day that I find out I'm going to die.
That is a sign. Alright?
I don't want to die alone. Not like Duke.
I'm settling down.
I think not being like Duke is a great idea,
so stop whoring around, okay?
But not Miranda.
That's reckless, okay?
And that's more like Duke than anything.
Reckless, huh?
Gonna break the window and try to hotwire the car
if you don't give me the keys.
I know you will.
Thank you.
My second hug today.
Hey.
What's up with the car?
You coaching a fucking women's softball team?
It's a rental. Her name's Cindy and I love her.
What are you doing?
Going to do something stupid.
Oh, me too. You'd think we're related.
Yeah. Say hi to Miranda for me.
Uh, what? How do you know that?
Come on!
I know everything you're going to do before you do it.
Ah, no you don't.
Yes I do.
Okay. I'm thinking of a person right now.
Don't be stupid.
Come on!Actor.
Billy Dee Williams.Famous!
Oh, I hate you.
No you don't.
So, looks like I need twenty grand
or I'm getting murdered tonight.
What the hell is wrong with this family?
You can't dust 'em off.
Yeah?
And I can't raise twenty grand by tonight
so, ah, where's my robe?
Anytime you deal with Fitz
you're gonna end up bloody and a few dollars short, Nuts.
You can't fight.
What am I supposed to do? Okay?
You haven't seen this Tank-Boy kid.
It is like his mother fucked a tractor.
Best case scenario: Juicey gets seriously injured.
Nuts, will you listen to me? You can't fight!
Yeah? And I let Juicey fight, I'm no better than Duke.
Fixin' fights, lyin', cheatin'...
If you fight, you will die.
Yeah? I don't know if you heard the news,
but it's happening anyway.
Do you wanna die a few months down the road, maybe a year,
or do you wanna die tonight?
What are you talking about?
Alright.
I promised your father I wouldn't tell you this.
Tell me what?
You remember Detroit?
Yeah.
Well there's a shitload you don't know about Detroit.
Really? What's to know about Detroit?
After Detroit they weren't gonna call me "Nuts" anymore,
right?
You remember the new name?
Eddie "the Power" White.
Eddie "the Power" White!
I lined up the bout with John The Baptist myself
so Duke couldn't run his old grift.
Punching another man's junk is pretty much like gay marriage
to a guy like him.
Better still? Jesus freaks never take bribes.
You don't know it, but Duke
probably saved your life that night.
Did he?
When I tell my son to oil up
and he smears on the Italian dressing,
can't help but think he's 30 percent retarded.
Nah, it's genius.
'cause his brain's telling him "time to fight,
" but his nose is saying "time to eat".
Confusing him.
Bam, bam.
Forty percent.
These the new trunks?
Did you ever ask yourself why they were always punching you
in the groin instead of the noggin'?
Or why the other guy didn't just take a dive?
Stop right there, okay?
Listen...
Touch your skull, while you're up there.
This? Yeah. It's my lucky bump.
I don't know how lucky it is.
The day you were born, you got dropped on your melon.
You fell down the stairs when you were about six months.
Again when you were a year old.
By the time you got to kindergarten,
you'd been concussed upwards of ten times.
You were just a really uncoordinated little pecker.
Oh, ho, ho!
Eddie The?...
I told 'em "Eddie The Power White" six times.
That font is a little big.
Maybe they ran outta room?
Two minutes before I tussle you spring this on me?
I asked you to do one thing!
You were always one blow to the head
away from permanent brain damage, at least.
That fresh start you wanted could have been your funeral.
Oh my God.
Oh my...
oh my God! I can't wear these!
Why not?
'cause I can't wear White Power trunks!
In fucking Detroit!
God. What am I going to do?
We're in a tight spot.
Oh, yeah? You think?
Yeah, maybe I can put a sweater around my waist
like I just got my fucking period!
Fuck.
Let's go!
You gotta call it off, Boy-o.
I can't.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You know you can't fight in your robe, son.
Okay.
What about a sweater tied around my waist?
What?
Look, my shorts.
They say white power on them.
I am so sorry.
They say white power.
I know. It was a mistake.
Fuck you, cracker!
Get out! Come on -- get out! Get out!
You could take a little light sparring,
but you lined up an honest-to-goodness fight
with a bona fide contender.
So he came up with the trunks.
Yeah, actually the trunks was my idea.
But it was Duke's idea to bet on your disqualification.
The proceeds from which bought this silver bar.
Then why...
then why'd he let me fight at all?
Your career was supposed to be, you know, one or two fights.
Couple of blows to the balls
and he thought you'd get smart and walk away.
But he was weak and, uh...
he found it was profitable knowing the outcome.
Now you - you just don't know when to quit!
You were a shitty boxer, Nuts.
And Duke tried to protect you the only way he knew.
By fixin' fights.
'cause he loved his son.
And, you know, betting on sure things.
And that is why you cannot fight.
Ever again.
Oh my God.
It ain't twenty grand.
But it's a start.
You son of a...
Miss Benatar.
Had a '72 El Camino.
Named her after Pat Benatar,
the sexiest woman ever to grace God's green earth.
'course I called her Miss Benatar cause, you know,
a fella callin' his ride Pat might create the impression
he was into Irish dudes.
What're you working on down there?
Well, I want to make it sound really loud.
So I figured if I got underneath it and just banged
around with a wrench it would just kind of happen.
Didn't work.
You just drill some holes in the muffler.
That'll get her growlin'.
You can do that?
Let's lift up her blouse there, see what's she's got, huh?
Yeah.
It's a nice blue. Mine was green.
Your dad used to call it the green latrine.
I think, um...
Right here.
Right.
What're you going to call her?
Pat was in the lead.
I don't know. I guess I'm going to add
picking a name to my 'to do' list.
A whole list? That's smart.
I don't know about smart.
The words "death defying" appear like six times.
You know, livin' like there's no tomorrow
is a pretty good way to make sure there won't be one.
I don't have to worry about you, too, do I?
Actually, no. I feel pretty much unstoppable.
Here.
Let's make some noise, huh?
Fuck it.
Where are you going dressed like that?
See for yourself.
Can I come?
Sure.
Can I dress up, too?
I encourage it.
Oh! Can we go to Dairy Queen and pick up some twats?
Yeah.
I want it right there.
Why won't you let me see it?
'cause.
Let me see it!
No.
Why don't you let me see anything?
Because I'm... there. You want to see it?
What are those?
They're... they're Man Dots.
Special Man Dots, okay?
What's a Man Dot?
Look, Todd.
It hurt a lot more than I thought it would, alright?
And if you ever think about doing something as stupid
as getting a tattoo, I swear you better get a picture of me
so the cops'll know who killed you.
I'm not interested.
In what?
Man in a suit comes to my house,
he's either pushing a religion or a warrant.
You don't recognize me?
Look - my seven foot tall boyfriend
carries a machete with him wherever he goes.
It's Cal.
Twelfth grade? Best summer ever?
Jesus! Is that you?
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Okay, alright. That's a wiggle.
You look so grown up and clean.
What you doing in town?
Family business.
And you find time to visit me.
I feel so flattered!
Flattered and stalked.
Well, um, seeing as I'm not from these parts anymore,
I was sort of looking for a tour guide.
But if your seven foot tall, machete-wielding boyfriend
has an issue, I understand. I just...
Aw, I just say that to keep the pigs at bay.
Let's go play tourist.
That your car?
Did you save up your babysitting money to buy that?
It's a rental.
So you're a mechanic these days?
The motorcycle.
Sure. A mechanic. What about you?
Oh, you know me.
Still getting by on charm and good looks?
Suppose you're coasting by on your knowledge
of the deadly arts.
Is that some kind of clever reference
to my marital difficulties?
Oh, no, no...
All because a girl can handle firearms and knows her way
around explosives doesn't mean she killed anyone.
Hey, hey. I meant no offence.
I don't know what you've heard,
but it's just one of those things.
Or, in this case, three of those things.
So don't get all Sherlock Holmes on me.
Hey, I'm just trying to solve the case
of how you got so beautiful.
You always were a velvet-tongued devil,
weren't you?
Oh my God.
What is that blouse he's wearing?
Hey, guys. What's with the threads?
It's a long story. Let's just say
Todd and I landed parts in a very misunderstood
off-Broadway play and we'll leave it at that.
Can I talk to you for a second?
So, how's army life?
Do you babysit?
What?
Yeah, I got an X-Box.
Okay, you're not doing this. Give me the ring.
Not letting you do it..
Stop it.Stop it.
Why are the two of you always in my lady business?
Really?Always!
We do that because we're the only ones who care enough
to call you on your bullshit.
Twat?
What?
Remember how you and Nuts used to stick up for me in high school?
Yeah! For a very reasonable rate, I might add.
Yeah. That's all I'm trying to do right now
is protect my big brother, okay?
She is a fucking disaster.
She's a stupid, crazy...
she's a bitch!
You may be right.
But you don't know how this feels.
What what feels like?
I've had girlfriends before, okay?
I know a little something. I've had...Really?
How many?
Tons.Really?
Four.Really.
Three.
Give me that.
Why?
'cause I'm adding it to your list. I think it's important.
Don't write on my...
Don't touch me.
Got anyone in mind?
Come on, doll.
Is that her?
Yep.
Go on!
I will.
I'm just - I'm just... paralyzed with fear.
Okay.
Hi.
So one adult, one veteran?
Well, ah, actually, I just wanted to tell you something.
So, ah...
I'm not here to ask you for a date
or for you to be my sweatheart...
What's a "sweatheart"?
Swee... swee... sweetheart.
I'm sorry.
I didn't have a chance to proof this.
Um, okay.
Here it is.
Sometimes I see you on my way to work in the mornings.
I don't mean that in like a stalker, creepy way,
I just mean, "Hey. There she is."
Every morning.
And I noticed that you smile at everybody who walks by.
Everybody. Even me.
And I could never smile back. Like ever.
Maybe because you have the sweetest smile I've ever seen
and I just can't compete with that, you know?
And no one handles stoned teenagers as well as you.
Like, anywhere.
And that's a gift. Believe me.
And you don't have to worry 'cause I'm not going to
try to ask you out on a date here because of a technical
difficulty with my existence, but even if I wasn't dying,
I probably wouldn't have the courage to ask you out anyway.
I mean, usually I date women who are easily distracted
and/or horribly depressed.
That's my type - just slow and sad.
And I probably shouldn't have said that last part.
I just wanted you to know that somebody in this world
saw you from far away and thinks that you're beautiful.
And if that can ever give you even the tiniest bit
of a feeling of happiness,
then I'm happy that I made a fool of myself.
You're just sore 'cause I broke your heart.
That wasn't my heart, it was my leg and it wasn't you,
it was your other boyfriend.
That was a long time ago, Cal.
You must be used to holding on to small things.
That's hilarious.
So where the fuck are you taking me, anyway?
Private club. Members only.
I don't think I belong here.
Why do you say that?
Well, just look around.
Don't worry.
They know me here.
What? Do you work here, too?
I'm a mechanic, remember?
Give it a good home.
There's a creepy gentleman down at the end of the bar
looking at me like he wants to fuck me.
Don't worry about him.
It's a boyfriend thing.
A boyfr... Um, um! Hello!
Missing a vital piece of information, apparently.
What?
I'd thought a guy like you would be more nonchalant
about something like this.
Actually, you're wrong.
I'm very chalant about stuff like this.
Super fucking chalant. Let's go.
You're not afraid of Big Mitch there, hm?
Absolutely not, okay?
But it still doesn't make it swell for me to be drinking
at a biker bar with your boyfriend, okay?
Ex-boyfriend. We broke up.
When?
Last night.
Last night?
Okay. You're fishing for jealousy
and you're trying to use me as bait.
Tell you what.
I can use you...
and you can use me.
Any way you like.
Deal?
Deal!
You just crossed a very fine line.
Here we go.
Perhaps, ah, perhaps you should go home, huh?
How you doin'? I'm Cal White.
I take it you're Big Mitch.
Listen, pal, can I just tell you that...
Whoa, whoa! Just -
can I say what I was going to say? Please?
Now, listen: Miranda there is obviously a grownup
who can make her own decisions, right?
And today she's decided to spend the afternoon with me,
okay? So I think that you should also be a grown up
and respect her decision.
Whaddya say, Big Mitch?
Well - I say, ah, Cal White?
Meet Big Mitch.
You're Big Mitch?
Yeah.
That's Big Mitch!
I'm Cal White.
That's Miranda, who you've...
I just heard the speech, fella.
Okay.
I li... this is - is this your place?
'cause I was ask... it's a great...
You're not going, are ya?
I was gonna leave.
No you're not.
I wish you'd let go of my hand.
Have a seat.
Okay.
Now, Cal, the way I see it,
Miranda and I are havin' a tiny little lover's quarrel.
And the way you see it, is she's movin' on to you.
Now I call that a difference of opinion.
And do you know how we solve differences of opinion
here at Satan's Finest?
Reasonable discourse?
Wheel of Misfortune.
The Wheel of Misfortune.
What's a Wheel of Misfortune?
Ho, ho, ho!
If you're doin' this to impress me, Mitch, it's not working.
Rules is rules, baby.
You don't own me. I can see anyone I want to!
You'll see Cal again, here. At his funeral.
Spin it.
Uh, what's a Stick and Nail Fight?
It's a fight with sticks and nails.
I can't do this again. I out.
Ivan -- see her home.
I'll go, too.
No, no, no.
Can I please just use the bathroom?
Outside in five.
Course there's no windows.
Gonna fuckin' die.
Okay, I'm going to die.
You're going to die.
Why're you darkenin' my door, Nuts?
Call it a down payment.
I'm not fighting. Juicey ain't, either.
Oh, Jesus! A silver bar!
Yeah.
Argh, Mate! What are you a pirate?
You gonna sweeten the deal?
Throw in a few dubloons?
I'll get the rest for you later.
Well, I'm no pawn broker.
It goes on tonight.
Okay, what if it doesn't?
What are you going do? Kill me?
I mean, 'cause I gotta tell you, Fitz, that is a very,
very ineffective threat these days.
If it were only up to me, Nuts, boy.
But I'm afraid we're going to have to talk to
The Management about all 'dis.
Oh, no, no, no, no! No! Whoa!
It's The Management, boy! It's The Management!
Now we're negotiating, aren't we?
Stop, stop!
You know the deal: now, maybe you don't care about yerself,
but ya care about your baby brother.
One of ya can get hurt in the ring.
Or both of youse can get hurt in the street.
Choose wisely.
He'll fight.
Good.
Make sure it looks good.
Fucking die.
Boys, you three are going to die.
I'm actually going to die.
Whoo!
Okay.
Let's go.
This is it, obviously!
Yep.
Where's Miranda?
I sent her home.
I didn't want have her see me kill you.
What if I win?
If you win, you go and be with Miranda.
On my word of honour.
But I don't think either of us thinks that's very likely.
Okay.
You're sort of far away.
I mean, do I just - just whatever?
You're really overthinking this.
Alright.
Alright, come on, baby.
You can do this thing.
I'm coming!
Argh!
Young man, I make the Jihad on your skull.
Fuck it!
Hey, Mitch?
What do I do now?
You want me to take you to the hospital, or what?
I didn't think you had it in you, Dude.
Big Mitch is a man of his word.
So you go on.
You go to Miranda.
But you're takin' me with ya.
What are you doing?
I'm keeping my word.
Okay. It's a really cute joke, but can I just -
will you get the key?
I don't have a key to this one.
Come on, man!
And I certainly don't have the key to this one.
Come on!
I want to do it, too!
I said no!
You never let me do anything!
This is really dangerous, Todd, okay?
If I ever catch you doing something this
dangerous and stupid, I will sell your testicles
to Chinese organ thieves.
Stupid Jacob!
Stupid blouse!
Sassy.
Oh my God.
How much longer are we supposed to stay here?
Like, come on, man! What about your word of honour?
I'm keeping my word.
Keeping? No, no! This isn't keeping your word.
Sure it is.
This is what they call passive resistance.
Are you insane?
Seriously! What if a train comes?
And what are we going to do?
Sit here like assholes cuffed to the tracks all day?
I really didn't think that far ahead.
Man, I really didn't think that far ahead.
Oh my God.
This is doing shit!
Here! Use my machete.
Who the fuck carries a machete?
Jesus!
It's not working!
It's doing shit!
Stop. Stop. You're dulling the blade.
So fucking what?
We need the blade sharp!
Why do we need the blade sharp? Why do we need the blade sharp?
'cause you're going to hack off my limb!
I'm not hacking off your limb!
If you don't hack my limb
I'll keep your fucking ass on the tracks with me!
I can't chop off your hand.
I can chop off your hand.
Okay. You alright?
Go, man!
I just want to check in with you.
Just hack the fucking limb!
Alright! On the count of three!
On three? You fucking crazy?
What's wrong with three?
Well it's going to hurt more if I'm expecting it!
Oh, I apologize if my hand-cutting etiquette is a little off!
Just do it when I'm not expecting it!
On two, then!
Just hack I'm trying!the fucking...
Ahhhhh!
Hey, Mitch.
Stay awake. We're almost at the hospital.
Hey, what's with your car, man?
It's a rental, okay?
Can we just not talk anymore until we get to the hospital?
How 'bout that?
I didn't think you had it in you, Sport.
Did I ju- did you not just here what I just said, or... what?
Change the station, Mom.
Let's go.
It's time.
Oh, really? Thousand Island dressing?
Wha...? Oh, what the fuck is that?
It looks like you got fucking shingles!
Maybe I woulda got a better dressing
if you were there for me.
Ah, you look like a fuckin' leper!
Where were you?
It doesn't matter, kay? Just wipe that shit off.
We got to weight you in.
Maybe we'll pick up some Crisco.
There it is.
I don't even think it's for sale.
Oh, it will be.
Remember, do not use our real names.
You got it, Smell-vis.
General Mayhem, let's roll.
Look, you can't tell anybody about this, alright?
And if you ever think about doing something as stupid
as this, I swear, I'm going to - I will...
I'm not a very good role model, am I?
Alright, so the door's open.
Someone's home.
I can't let them see the barrel,
so what do you say when they ask you where I am?
What's a Jacob?
Perfect.
Hey, Toddy!
Keep your fucking thumb out!
The second that bell rings I'm coming out
with the one-four-three. Then jab...
Or, or, or... just fucking work the outside.
What?
Yeah, you wear him down. You run.
Stick and jab - keep to the outside, you know?
Tire him out a bit.
No. I'm goin' for the early K.O.
That's... certainly a possibility.
Fuck am I greasy!
Hey!
You brought your mitts?
What?
Yeah.
Yeah. I... I slid by Pal's to ...
Really?
Yeah.
You're giving me your mitts?
Yeah. Don't make a big deal of it.
Nuts, I don't know what to say.
Don't say anything.
I'm fuckin' touched, Nuts.
Nuts, you're the best brother in the world.
Why'd you hafta say that?
What the fuck, Nuts?
Ah, I can't do this!
What?
You're not fighting. You're not ready for Tank-Boy.
Oh, I am ready!
You said Tank-Boy was scrawny as fuck.
Well, he's recently filled out.
I'm in prime form!
Juicey, you're oh-and-two against Todd!
You're just jealous!
Ah, just sit.
Listen, I have done a lot of things in my life
that I'm not proud of, okay?
But recently certain things have come to light and
I'm seeing things different and I'm lookin' at my baby brother,
who I want to help and protect.
And I hope to God you don't hate me for what I did, but...
I signed you up for this fight
knowing you were going to get your ass handed to you.
Right.
What? No, no right!
I sold you out! For money!
And not a lot of it.
Juicey, look at me.
Don't do this.
I'm gonna fight and I'm gonna win.
Argghh.
Hey!
What the fuck was that?
That was Tank-Boy.
What?
Todd, where's Cob?
I'll give you five bucks.
He's heading over the Falls.
He...?
Marry a good one, son.
She got incarcerated!
They died. All of them.
Doesn't mean she killed anyone!
Something has to change in me. The ring - it was a sign.
That's reckless!
That's more like Duke than anything!
I gotta stop whoring around and I need to settle down.
That was Chlamydia!
The fuck am I doing?
Okay. Just relax.
Yes.
The fuck am I doing?
Is he dead?
He's fine.
Might have lost a hand, but he's alright.
Just a hand?
Yeah.
You want to do some more sightseeing?
What'd you have in mind?
Come on.
I'm invincible.
Whoa!
What is going on?
What is going on in that boy's head?
Why?
It's on his list.
What list?
What pills?
The pills, you know, that they all took for money.
That's his car!
Pull over!
Jacob!
Jacob! Jacob!
I see the barrel! There!
Jacob!
Stop!
Mom?
Stop, honey - you're not going to die!
What?
Oh, honey! You're not going to die!
Get out of there!
Please open the lid, sweetheart.
Can you hear me?
Okay, it's stuck.
Toddy, get me a rock.
Do you understand me? You're not gonna die!
Honey, those pills? That was Duke's stupid idea!
When you boys came home with those pills
I sure as hell wasn't going to let my kids be guinea pigs!
So I filled them with Tic Tacs!
Tic Tacs?
Tic Tacs!
I mean, what mother lets her kids test drugs for money?
I'm going to live.
Oh my God!
I'm gonna live!
No, no!
I'm going to die!
Jake!
Jesus! No, Nuts! Will you - stop!
Come on! You're gonna get killed!
Sooner or later.
Not today.
Okay, we'll - I don't know -- we'll figure something out.
Nah. Nah. For the first time in my life
I'm doing something that ain't all about me.
If that means taking a hook to the head and making
my short life even shorter,
so fucking be it.
Ref!
Keep your eyes open, eh?
Fuck 'em right up, Nuts!
I just wish I had some sort of sign.
See, maybe now I have a serious problem.
Maybe I am reckless.
Miranda -- she's a...
she's a meat grinder.
There's gonna be a limb getting hacked
each and every week with that one.
Maybe - maybe nothing matters anymore, you know?
I should just nut up and do this thing.
What do you think, bud?
Probably right!
Thanks.
Y'know, I was just chatting with that guy over there
and - bam - it occurs to me that those Maid of the Mist boats
down there would be pretty ideal to mule drugs
across the border.
So, I was thinking - wait: how well can you swim?
Ah, I, um, I woke up this morning with a plan, you know?
I was gonna ask you a really big question.
Well, then I'm not so sure. Now.
I'm... Ah, I'm just... I'm looking for a sign, is all.
Well, don't wait forever. Life's short!
Ha! Yeah, that's very true.
Help!
That's very true. Okay.
Fuck it! Here goes.
Miranda...
Will you...
Oh my God!
Today is the fourteenth day since the end of my life.
Now, I don't believe in miracles.
I believe in odds.
And if you forced my bet, I'd wager I'm straight up dead.
And that this is one of those
"life flashes before your eyes" moments.
Like a dream you swear lasted months,
even though you knew you'd just slept for an hour.
Maybe a clever trick your brain plays on your body
to ease that painful, permanent fade to black,
wrapping your head in warm thoughts
so you don't feel the cold, hard hand of death.
But I saw things.
I saw my resurrection.
And this is what I saw.
I saw a slip of the noose and it's off like a torpedo.
And when that giant manpedo decides to surface,
well, I saw a sight to behold.
I saw my boy one last time.
I'm looking for a sign.
My reckless son.
And I knew...
Miranda...
For once in my life...
Will you...?
I was there for him.
That was a sign!
I gotta go.
Then I saw my eldest.
And I was flooded by thoughts of all the wrong I did to him.
Now a dead body floating in the water miles away
can't possibly save my wayward son.
But if a concerned tourist happened to call 911.
And if the ambulance sent to fish the bloated corpse out of
the water happened to skid off the road and into a Hydro pole.
Well then my wayward son
suddenly stands a fighting chance.
I saw my boy and weight came off my heavy heart.
Like I could float.
Like the impossible was made possible.
And just when I thought I could feel no more joy,
I saw something else.
My other boy. The one I never understood.
The odds in surviving the Falls are a million to one.
And I saw those odds beat.
I saw a twist of fate that can only be called a miracle.
I saw that noose catch that barrel
and I knew that the odds just didn't matter any more.
It's something more than impossible.
More than the odds can allow.
And then I saw the future.
And it was cloudier still.
But I know what I saw.
And I was basking in a light I didn't deserve.
For I saw a miracle.
It was so close it was like I was there.
Like I was part of it.
Like I could almost touch it.
I saw the lives of my boys.
My family.
Fate erasing the stain of all my misdeeds.
And I knew everything was going to be okay.
For I had a reversal of fortune.
A resurrection.
A bona fide miracle.
And I was so happy I knew I must be dead.