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Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
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♪
2
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Hi.
3
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Yep, you guessed it:
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I'm a millennial.
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Which means
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I hate labels, like "millennial."
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Today, we're gonna teach you
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how to get the most out of us,
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like how you can take
an ordinary work task...
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Could you please refill
the coffee maker?
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And M.I.C. it up!
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ANNOUNCER: Make It Cool!
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I have a dope idea for a viral video.
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It's you refilling the coffee maker!
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But first, we'll show you how to manage
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with P.A.C.E.
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ANNOUNCER: Praise Above
Criticism Everytime.
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Recent scientists have proven
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that we millennials are like flowers
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that wilt in the shade of criticism
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and blossom in the rays of praise.
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Hey, Esther, how you doing?
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Ugh, last night I had the
most annoying three-way.
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Okay!
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Attention, precious flowers:
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I, Jack Gordon,
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have completed my millennial
sensitivity training,
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which means I get to boss
you ass-clowns around.
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"I'm Jack, and yelling at kids
makes me feel young again!"
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"Whatever happened to wearing
a suit to a baseball game?"
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Are you guys making fun of Jack?
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Okay, hold on, I got one, I got one.
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"I'm Jack Gordon,
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and every shirt looks great on me."
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[laughs]
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"You can open a beer on my calves.
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Durby-durby-durba!"
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Got him!
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That's an accurate impersonation of me
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right down to my beloved catchphrase,
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"Durdy-durdy-durdy."
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BROOKE: Dixon, you can't quit!
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You're one week into a
three-month internship.
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There's no way
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I'm missing Bonnaroo
to refill printer paper.
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But I tried to "Make It Cool!"
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By freestyle rapping about it?
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Dixon out.
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Just give me a few seconds of that rap
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and I promise I will only
watch it every day of my life.
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That is the third intern
we've lost this month.
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I'm so tired of dealing
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with these uppity products of nepotism.
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Tell me about it,
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only daughter of our
wealthy British publisher.
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HR stresses diversity, but
then why do they stick me
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with the same rich, white interns?
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Brooke, I've been to the most
dangerous places in the world...
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Iraq, Sudan...
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But there's one place I refuse to go,
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and that's this conversation.
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Just pick the next intern yourself.
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I would, but I have to do
Clark's performance review.
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Oh! Oh, me!
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Over here! Me, right here!
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Please, let me do it!
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Okay, the last time you
got this excited about Clark
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was when you realized you could fit him
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inside the inter-office mail bin.
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Yeah, and if you hadn't interfered,
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he would be Accounts
Payable's problem right now.
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Look, he's a smart kid and he's sweet,
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but he needs mentoring,
just like Roland mentored me.
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My dad got you drunk,
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then left you tied to a dog
sled 200 miles from Anchorage.
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What you call "mentoring"
is now known as "bullying."
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I just want to help him
become a better writer
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and then it would make
the magazine better.
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And I learned a lot from those dogs:
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teamwork, leadership,
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how to drop a deuce on the run...
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All right, all right, fine.
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All you have to do is read the review,
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which is already typed up.
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"I'm M.C. Brooke and I'm here to say,
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'Who swiped all the A4
from the paper tray?'"
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Give me that back!
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Here is Clark's review.
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And Jack, remember, you can't
go barking orders at people
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like you do on one of your
life-or-death expeditions.
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You're in an office now.
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Look.
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The stakes have never been lower.
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I can handle zero-pressure situations.
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I get it.
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This is the small time.
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♪
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- Synced and corrected by javiernv -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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[phone ringing]
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Clark Robertson, performance review:
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take one.
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Our young hero enters and sits.
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And our young hero is out of breath.
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Are you all right, Clark?
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Yeah, just excited.
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And also I think I'm allergic
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to most of the carpets in the office.
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But what am I gonna do, not work here?
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[laughing]
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Don't spoil the ending.
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All right, "Clark, you are a
gift to Outdoor Limits."
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"Your enthusiasm, work
ethic, and ridonk story ideas
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have more than earned you
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the nickname 'Junior Jack. ""
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Why do you know all the words?
116
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Does Brooke let you see this beforehand?
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No! No, no, no, no.
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She lets us write them.
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What?!
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Under "Where Do You See Yourself
in Six Months," you wrote...
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"Jack's friend."
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Clark, when I'm on an expedition,
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there's no time for any of this.
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People do what I say,
or they die... to death.
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So take a guess why I haven't responded
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to any of your pitches
for a feature article.
127
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You don't know how to check email.
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You're a decent writer,
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00:05:07,629 --> 00:05:08,581
but look what you're writing about.
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Last week, you
interviewed Andreas Jansen,
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the premier free diver in the world.
132
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And what was your question?
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"Which Gilmore Girl are you?"
134
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He said Lauren Graham!
135
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That's crazy!
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Then the next article,
you followed that up with,
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"I Gave a Pig a Cantaloupe:
138
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You'll Never Guess What Happened."
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Let me guess: he ate it.
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He ate it.
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Listen, those get us a lot of hits.
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Because they're clickbait!
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Okay, I have written
at least ten articles
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that are not clickbait.
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You'll never guess what number four was.
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Look, it's great that
you can write stuff
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that generates hits,
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but real articles have substance,
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and you'll never get a feature
until you understand that.
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Okay, now, what issue of yours
should we move on to next?
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00:05:54,138 --> 00:05:55,738
Your horrible grammar,
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urinal etiquette,
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or should we just go
straight to the unfixables?
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Cut!
155
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Do you really think my
urinal etiquette is fixable?
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You don't have to pull
your pants all the way down.
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Hey, you two.
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Who's up for a fun assignment?
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You had me at "fun."
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And lost me at "assignment."
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I was hoping to get some help
in selecting the new intern,
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the priority of course being diversity.
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And you're asking us because...
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Because...
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ZEB: I think she asked you
because you're black and Asian.
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No, that's not what I said!
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Don't put words into my mouth, Zeb.
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I actually don't see color.
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Whoa.
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I only see color?
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Whoa!
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Oh, I'm sorry, I just...
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[sighs]
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Guys...
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"Guys"?
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Oh, brother.
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"Brother"?
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ZEB: Someone please
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describe Brooke's face to me right now.
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What did I ever do to you, Zeb?
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ZEB: Uh, make me live
in a tent for 30 days?
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Brooke, relax, we're
just messing with you.
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It's actually kind of cool
what you're trying to do here.
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Okay, thank you, Mason.
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And for the record,
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I only asked you two to
help with the diversity hire
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because you're the
first two people I saw.
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ZEB: Oh, so you were
looking for white people
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but then settled for them?
190
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Not what I said!
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Wazzzuuuppp?!
192
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Wazzzuuuppp?!
193
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Do you think we're the last
two people still doing that?
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Definitely.
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You look happy.
196
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Yeah, I just gave Clark
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a classic performance review,
198
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like the ones that
Roland used to give me.
199
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Those were the only
times I ever saw you cry.
200
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That and when you
lost your pet tortoise.
201
00:07:43,111 --> 00:07:45,715
Gary Turtlepants is not lost.
202
00:07:45,717 --> 00:07:49,318
He is out there somewhere,
trying to get home.
203
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And he is scared.
204
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I know he is.
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00:07:55,026 --> 00:07:56,425
But I bet you he's really proud
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of how you're adjusting to your new job.
207
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[phone ringing]
208
00:08:03,005 --> 00:08:04,238
Remember these things?
209
00:08:05,275 --> 00:08:06,705
Excuse me.
210
00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:08,233
Eddie's.
211
00:08:09,483 --> 00:08:10,908
Yeah, he's here.
212
00:08:11,476 --> 00:08:12,908
Yeah, I'll send him back.
213
00:08:14,211 --> 00:08:15,478
That was your office.
214
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,545
HR is looking for you.
215
00:08:16,911 --> 00:08:17,980
Are you in trouble?
216
00:08:17,982 --> 00:08:19,649
Will, since they knew
to find me in a bar
217
00:08:19,651 --> 00:08:22,752
in the middle of a workday,
I'm gonna go with yes.
218
00:08:26,825 --> 00:08:28,557
Welcome, Mr. Gordon.
219
00:08:28,559 --> 00:08:30,159
Uh, is this where I play
220
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,694
while my mom and dad use the gym?
221
00:08:32,481 --> 00:08:36,032
Our younger workforce
prefers a safe space.
222
00:08:36,034 --> 00:08:38,000
We're all adjusting.
223
00:08:38,025 --> 00:08:39,254
For instance,
224
00:08:39,256 --> 00:08:41,956
I realized I can no longer wear a skirt.
225
00:08:47,505 --> 00:08:48,177
[clears throat]
226
00:08:48,965 --> 00:08:52,208
This is about your recent
performance review of Clark.
227
00:08:52,458 --> 00:08:53,784
Hi, what are you in for?
228
00:08:53,809 --> 00:08:56,052
Excessive hotness?
229
00:08:56,054 --> 00:08:57,586
I'm Clark's mom.
230
00:08:57,588 --> 00:08:59,021
[laughs]
231
00:08:59,023 --> 00:09:03,025
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
232
00:09:03,027 --> 00:09:06,562
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
233
00:09:06,564 --> 00:09:08,464
No.
234
00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:11,911
My son played me the video
of his performance review.
235
00:09:12,003 --> 00:09:14,804
Clark showed his mom
his performance review?
236
00:09:14,806 --> 00:09:16,572
Clark brought his mom into work?
237
00:09:16,574 --> 00:09:17,590
Clark's mom is hot?
238
00:09:17,615 --> 00:09:19,317
What is happening?!
239
00:09:20,244 --> 00:09:22,114
No one speaks to my son the way you did.
240
00:09:22,139 --> 00:09:23,272
Oh, yeah they do.
241
00:09:23,297 --> 00:09:24,629
Did you see the footage?
242
00:09:25,294 --> 00:09:27,616
Growing up, Clark had ten heroes.
243
00:09:27,618 --> 00:09:30,453
You'll never guess who number three was.
244
00:09:31,315 --> 00:09:33,917
Oh my God, you are Clark's mom.
245
00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:36,644
And I had to build him up a lot
246
00:09:36,678 --> 00:09:38,705
just to get him to try out for soccer,
247
00:09:39,098 --> 00:09:40,763
or write for the school paper,
248
00:09:40,765 --> 00:09:43,699
or believe he was tall enough
to enter the pageant circuit.
249
00:09:44,036 --> 00:09:45,201
What was his talent?
250
00:09:45,203 --> 00:09:46,702
Sweating?
251
00:09:46,704 --> 00:09:48,833
And now you're sweat-shaming him.
252
00:09:49,349 --> 00:09:51,684
Jack, your review crushed him.
253
00:09:51,709 --> 00:09:54,169
Oh, come on, I didn't crush him.
254
00:09:54,401 --> 00:09:57,836
Get ready, Clark, because
I'm about to crush you.
255
00:10:00,705 --> 00:10:02,231
I'm genuinely convinced
256
00:10:02,256 --> 00:10:05,057
your articles are making
our country dumber.
257
00:10:05,831 --> 00:10:08,833
Your email signature
is just the poop emoji.
258
00:10:10,329 --> 00:10:12,263
Stop talking about Hamilton!
259
00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:15,755
Okay, so I was tough on him,
260
00:10:15,780 --> 00:10:18,044
but he's never gonna learn
if he can't take criticism.
261
00:10:18,069 --> 00:10:19,568
Look, when I'm up on the mountain...
262
00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:21,370
You're no longer up on the mountain!
263
00:10:22,301 --> 00:10:25,485
In this office, we practice P.A.C.E....
264
00:10:25,487 --> 00:10:28,778
"Praise Above Criticism Everytime."
265
00:10:28,803 --> 00:10:30,503
That says "Diversity is Yummy."
266
00:10:31,997 --> 00:10:33,325
Did they move the poster?
267
00:10:33,350 --> 00:10:36,672
I can't turn around in these chairs.
268
00:10:36,954 --> 00:10:39,499
Look, Clark is really...
269
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:43,425
...full of energy, and he definitely...
270
00:10:43,778 --> 00:10:45,661
...works here.
271
00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,942
But I have to think
of the magazine first.
272
00:10:47,967 --> 00:10:49,400
And so do I.
273
00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:51,857
That's why I asked Philip to shadow you
274
00:10:51,836 --> 00:10:53,736
to make sure you comply.
275
00:10:53,738 --> 00:10:56,438
You're giving me a
babysitter, and it's Philip?
276
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,674
The guy that had to conduct
sexual harassment seminars
277
00:10:58,676 --> 00:11:00,843
with a magazine over his lap?
278
00:11:00,845 --> 00:11:03,473
He's working on that!
279
00:11:05,042 --> 00:11:07,794
Any more criticism of
Clark and you'll be demoted
280
00:11:07,819 --> 00:11:10,715
to a non-leadership position
and suspended without pay.
281
00:11:10,740 --> 00:11:11,939
This meeting is over.
282
00:11:12,518 --> 00:11:15,019
I wouldn't get up yet, Philip.
283
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,032
Philip, you don't need to follow me.
284
00:11:25,034 --> 00:11:26,477
I'm committed to helping Clark.
285
00:11:26,502 --> 00:11:28,369
I'm not going to
ridicule him. [laughing]
286
00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:31,270
Nice vest.
287
00:11:31,295 --> 00:11:32,861
Marty McFly called...
288
00:11:35,809 --> 00:11:37,667
...and I let it go to voicemail.
289
00:11:39,753 --> 00:11:42,596
So, uh, what are you up to?
290
00:11:43,362 --> 00:11:46,455
Just trying to cheer myself up
with some photos from Saturday.
291
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,821
My Frisbee golf team and I
292
00:11:47,823 --> 00:11:49,623
got hopped up on Bacardi Breezers
293
00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:51,825
and went to a silent disco.
294
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:55,440
That sounds fun.
295
00:11:55,830 --> 00:12:00,000
You sound like a fun guy
with friends that are cool.
296
00:12:00,994 --> 00:12:02,426
And fun.
297
00:12:04,542 --> 00:12:06,609
Jack, you're being super nice to me.
298
00:12:06,689 --> 00:12:08,322
Are you dying?
299
00:12:09,675 --> 00:12:11,311
A little.
300
00:12:11,777 --> 00:12:13,744
So, let's talk about your ideas
301
00:12:13,746 --> 00:12:15,645
that are worth my time and attention.
302
00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:17,972
Well, I was thinking, you know,
303
00:12:17,997 --> 00:12:19,097
you've done a lot of stories
304
00:12:19,122 --> 00:12:20,688
about living with animals in the wild.
305
00:12:20,915 --> 00:12:22,481
What if we flipped that
306
00:12:22,506 --> 00:12:24,206
and we got the animals to come here
307
00:12:24,256 --> 00:12:26,995
to the office as a commentary on...
308
00:12:27,183 --> 00:12:29,826
Never mind, you look disgusted.
309
00:12:29,828 --> 00:12:31,661
No, no, I'm not disgusted.
310
00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:33,997
This is my thinking face.
311
00:12:34,831 --> 00:12:35,532
Oh, cool.
312
00:12:35,534 --> 00:12:39,256
Okay, see, it's animals
posing as office workers.
313
00:12:39,281 --> 00:12:40,714
Here's a mock-up I put together.
314
00:12:46,310 --> 00:12:47,844
Wow, I can tell by your face
315
00:12:47,846 --> 00:12:50,230
you're really thinking hard right now.
316
00:12:50,457 --> 00:12:54,308
Yes, that looks convincing, realistic...
317
00:12:54,487 --> 00:12:56,245
Plus, these apex predators
318
00:12:56,270 --> 00:12:58,800
will simply love flash photography.
319
00:12:59,358 --> 00:13:00,409
Seriously?
320
00:13:00,434 --> 00:13:02,234
So can we plan the
photo shoot for tomorrow?
321
00:13:03,461 --> 00:13:05,562
Who could say no to that?
322
00:13:06,723 --> 00:13:08,424
Anybody?
323
00:13:09,636 --> 00:13:11,417
Do you like this idea, Philip?
324
00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:14,076
We can usually tell
when you like something.
325
00:13:18,445 --> 00:13:20,913
Okay, so I have all the
diversity candidates here.
326
00:13:20,938 --> 00:13:22,470
I've arranged them into piles
327
00:13:22,495 --> 00:13:24,526
based on the standard
diversity categories.
328
00:13:24,551 --> 00:13:26,918
Wait, you segregated the résumés?
329
00:13:27,653 --> 00:13:30,554
Which I now realize was a bad idea.
330
00:13:30,556 --> 00:13:34,324
So many qualified candidates:
331
00:13:34,326 --> 00:13:37,894
African Americans,
Hispanics, some gay people...
332
00:13:37,919 --> 00:13:39,362
- Whoa!
- Hold on!
333
00:13:39,364 --> 00:13:41,208
Now you're just throwing labels around.
334
00:13:41,233 --> 00:13:43,480
Yeah, most labels lead
to wrong assumptions.
335
00:13:43,482 --> 00:13:44,847
Like just because I'm Asian,
336
00:13:44,872 --> 00:13:46,939
people assume I'm great at math.
337
00:13:47,072 --> 00:13:49,005
But I totally suck at it.
338
00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:52,309
Okay, no labels.
339
00:13:52,311 --> 00:13:54,878
So, uh, Maria Vasquez,
340
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,280
of indeterminate origin.
341
00:13:59,283 --> 00:14:00,851
Looks like she actually might be...
342
00:14:00,853 --> 00:14:01,585
Whoa!
343
00:14:01,587 --> 00:14:02,586
Hold on!
344
00:14:02,588 --> 00:14:03,887
What is it this time?
345
00:14:03,889 --> 00:14:05,155
Uh, you said "she"
346
00:14:05,157 --> 00:14:06,857
and attached a gender label to Maria
347
00:14:06,859 --> 00:14:09,092
like you didn't get
woke two minutes ago!
348
00:14:09,094 --> 00:14:10,927
I'm woke!
349
00:14:10,929 --> 00:14:13,196
You know I'm woke!
350
00:14:13,198 --> 00:14:15,599
Anyway, what am I
supposed to say instead?
351
00:14:15,601 --> 00:14:17,200
"They" or "them."
352
00:14:17,202 --> 00:14:18,802
Wait, so I call her "they"?
353
00:14:18,804 --> 00:14:20,737
No, you call them "they"
354
00:14:20,739 --> 00:14:23,874
So if I call they "them,"
they would appreciate it.
355
00:14:23,876 --> 00:14:27,344
No, if you call them
"them" they'll appreciate it.
356
00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:29,679
Okay, Maria's out.
357
00:14:29,681 --> 00:14:31,378
Oh, so now you're outing her?
358
00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:32,936
Now you're outing them!
359
00:14:34,357 --> 00:14:36,425
Okay, me is calling this meeting.
360
00:14:36,615 --> 00:14:39,983
By tomorrow, please narrow
these 43 candidates down to six.
361
00:14:40,008 --> 00:14:43,376
So we're only going to meet
with 13.95% of the candidates?
362
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:45,878
I lied before.
363
00:14:45,903 --> 00:14:47,402
I'm actually incredible at math.
364
00:14:54,464 --> 00:14:55,776
This is so exciting!
365
00:14:55,801 --> 00:14:57,301
My first real feature!
366
00:14:57,743 --> 00:14:58,620
But I'm a little worried
367
00:14:58,645 --> 00:15:00,545
we might not get all the shots we need.
368
00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:06,283
Oh, I'm sure the crime scene
photographer will take plenty.
369
00:15:06,285 --> 00:15:08,718
ESTHER: Hey, that leopard's being
370
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:09,920
a real diva.
371
00:15:09,922 --> 00:15:12,155
He won't let us duct
tape a cigar to his paw.
372
00:15:12,157 --> 00:15:15,125
But we need that for the "fat cat" shot!
373
00:15:15,127 --> 00:15:16,426
Aw, next you're gonna tell me
374
00:15:16,428 --> 00:15:17,961
he doesn't want to wear the monocle.
375
00:15:17,963 --> 00:15:19,496
I know, right?
376
00:15:20,065 --> 00:15:22,399
Also, is it bad if a timber wolf
377
00:15:22,401 --> 00:15:24,745
eats a two-month supply of ADD meds?
378
00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:27,470
No, not at all.
379
00:15:27,472 --> 00:15:29,306
At least now he'll be
completely focused...
380
00:15:29,581 --> 00:15:31,198
On killing us.
381
00:15:31,987 --> 00:15:33,610
This is all falling apart.
382
00:15:33,635 --> 00:15:35,120
What am I doing wrong, Jack?
383
00:15:35,145 --> 00:15:36,780
Well, I really can't answer that,
384
00:15:36,782 --> 00:15:38,281
but I can get
385
00:15:38,283 --> 00:15:41,151
some of the more adorable
animals to safety.
386
00:15:41,153 --> 00:15:43,286
That includes this lemur.
387
00:15:43,288 --> 00:15:44,587
And me.
388
00:15:44,589 --> 00:15:48,058
Uh, so everyone, be still!
389
00:15:48,060 --> 00:15:50,886
Remember, no sudden good ideas.
390
00:16:00,638 --> 00:16:02,539
What is wrong with me?
391
00:16:02,564 --> 00:16:05,065
I literally couldn't stop
offending Mason and Emma.
392
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:07,167
I'm supposed to be the
millennial whisperer.
393
00:16:07,169 --> 00:16:08,134
Oh, Brooke,
394
00:16:08,136 --> 00:16:09,402
you'll always be that sad nickname
395
00:16:09,404 --> 00:16:11,705
that you gave yourself.
396
00:16:11,707 --> 00:16:13,006
Come on,
397
00:16:13,008 --> 00:16:15,141
diversity in the workplace
isn't as hard as it seems.
398
00:16:15,658 --> 00:16:18,619
Then again, I'm self-employed,
so I completely nailed it.
399
00:16:19,847 --> 00:16:20,814
What's wrong, Jack?
400
00:16:20,934 --> 00:16:21,900
I'm just in my head
401
00:16:21,934 --> 00:16:23,267
about what I should do about Clark.
402
00:16:23,292 --> 00:16:27,853
Jack, you tried giving praise
and you tried being harsh.
403
00:16:28,423 --> 00:16:30,357
Now what do you think you should try?
404
00:16:30,915 --> 00:16:31,925
Ah!
405
00:16:31,927 --> 00:16:34,427
Double down on being harsh.
406
00:16:35,691 --> 00:16:37,292
Do I have to solve everyone's problems?
407
00:16:37,833 --> 00:16:40,447
You have to stop doubting
yourself and take action.
408
00:16:40,472 --> 00:16:42,706
You have to stop being
the mentor you needed
409
00:16:42,731 --> 00:16:44,381
and be the mentor Clark needs.
410
00:16:44,406 --> 00:16:45,572
And you?
411
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:47,814
I've got no problem with you.
412
00:16:47,844 --> 00:16:48,776
You're cute as hell.
413
00:16:49,887 --> 00:16:51,254
But you're also a giant rat,
414
00:16:51,279 --> 00:16:52,745
so you all gotta get out of here.
415
00:17:00,265 --> 00:17:01,732
Sorry!
416
00:17:01,757 --> 00:17:03,823
Brooke, we've been waiting for you.
417
00:17:03,825 --> 00:17:05,725
We settled on the candidate hours ago.
418
00:17:05,727 --> 00:17:07,727
Why didn't you just do some other work?
419
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:10,974
It honestly didn't occur to us.
420
00:17:11,626 --> 00:17:12,732
Brooke?
421
00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:13,900
Just wanted to let you know
422
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:15,435
we went ahead and hired our new intern.
423
00:17:15,437 --> 00:17:16,469
What?
424
00:17:16,471 --> 00:17:18,305
He came very highly recommended.
425
00:17:18,307 --> 00:17:19,539
By his father,
426
00:17:19,541 --> 00:17:22,033
who's our magazine's biggest advertiser.
427
00:17:22,634 --> 00:17:24,103
Connor Worthington?
428
00:17:24,128 --> 00:17:26,757
Under interests, it says "Tom Brady"
429
00:17:26,782 --> 00:17:29,564
and "belts with little whales on them""
430
00:17:29,985 --> 00:17:31,251
Under career objectives,
431
00:17:31,276 --> 00:17:34,711
it just says "Make America Lit Again."
432
00:17:34,736 --> 00:17:36,603
This is unacceptable!
433
00:17:36,628 --> 00:17:39,896
Diversity is, like the
poster says, "yummy."
434
00:17:39,921 --> 00:17:43,142
I am sorry, but I insist
the position be filled by...
435
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,131
Sunitha Patel.
436
00:17:46,321 --> 00:17:49,389
I'm sure they'll be an
excellent addition to our team,
437
00:17:49,414 --> 00:17:51,642
and I'm very excited to meet them.
438
00:17:52,548 --> 00:17:55,197
As long as they know
how to refill toner,
439
00:17:55,222 --> 00:17:56,603
them's hired.
440
00:17:59,268 --> 00:18:00,802
Pretty woke.
441
00:18:00,835 --> 00:18:02,601
I thought so, too.
442
00:18:02,751 --> 00:18:05,485
That felt amazing!
443
00:18:05,487 --> 00:18:07,187
Sunitha Patel.
444
00:18:07,189 --> 00:18:10,259
This more than makes up for
my people colonizing India!
445
00:18:10,284 --> 00:18:12,318
No, no!
446
00:18:17,205 --> 00:18:19,228
Jack, where have you been?
447
00:18:19,253 --> 00:18:21,887
Bad news: there's a
wolverine in the AC duct.
448
00:18:21,912 --> 00:18:24,666
Good news: not so cold in here.
449
00:18:24,691 --> 00:18:26,126
Clark, I'm about to give you
450
00:18:26,151 --> 00:18:28,751
the most constructive
criticism of your life.
451
00:18:29,077 --> 00:18:30,822
Philip, have a lemur.
452
00:18:30,847 --> 00:18:33,214
It's his mating season,
so cover your ear holes.
453
00:18:34,932 --> 00:18:36,833
Look.
454
00:18:37,822 --> 00:18:40,455
To call this situation a dumpster fire
455
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,347
would be an insult to
flaming piles of trash.
456
00:18:43,635 --> 00:18:44,556
I knew it.
457
00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:47,214
I just wanted to be a great
journalist, but I suck.
458
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,360
You don't suck at journalism.
459
00:18:49,464 --> 00:18:51,931
You just suck at knowing
what your actual talents are
460
00:18:51,933 --> 00:18:53,533
because you've been overly praised,
461
00:18:53,535 --> 00:18:55,902
under criticized, and
excessively "mom" -ed.
462
00:18:55,904 --> 00:18:57,611
Hot "mom" -ed.
463
00:18:58,807 --> 00:19:00,640
You're on to something, Jack.
464
00:19:00,642 --> 00:19:02,876
Just saying I'm a great writer
465
00:19:02,878 --> 00:19:05,979
or a pageant prince or six-foot-two
466
00:19:05,981 --> 00:19:07,353
doesn't make it true.
467
00:19:07,378 --> 00:19:10,146
I need a boss like you
to help me be the real me:
468
00:19:10,171 --> 00:19:13,072
a normal, regular, six-foot guy.
469
00:19:14,422 --> 00:19:16,589
I'm shorter than six feet?!
470
00:19:17,867 --> 00:19:20,269
We'll cover height another day.
471
00:19:21,150 --> 00:19:22,996
You think there's any
way to save this feature?
472
00:19:22,998 --> 00:19:24,564
No way in hell.
473
00:19:24,566 --> 00:19:27,500
But what you can do is
pay for this disaster
474
00:19:27,502 --> 00:19:29,969
by turning it into
revenue-generating clickbait.
475
00:19:29,971 --> 00:19:31,704
Then, assuming we live through this,
476
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:34,666
we'll start talking
about your first feature.
477
00:19:35,710 --> 00:19:37,077
Hey.
478
00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:39,489
So I was accidentally hooking
up with one of the handlers,
479
00:19:39,514 --> 00:19:42,228
and it appears that his
boa constrictor has escaped.
480
00:19:42,818 --> 00:19:45,618
That is both real and a euphemism.
481
00:20:00,063 --> 00:20:02,156
Yo, I'm an old,
482
00:20:02,181 --> 00:20:04,815
which means I still pay
money for my email address.
483
00:20:05,961 --> 00:20:07,195
And yes, that smell
484
00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:10,500
is the tuna fish sandwich
I packed for lunch.
485
00:20:10,941 --> 00:20:13,101
Today, we're gonna teach you
486
00:20:13,126 --> 00:20:14,776
how to put up with us.
487
00:20:14,778 --> 00:20:16,778
Like when it comes to technology,
488
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:19,348
you should... wait for the D.R.O.P.!
489
00:20:19,350 --> 00:20:21,836
ANNOUNCER: Don't Rush Old People!