00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:00,847 --> 00:00:02,614 ♪ 2 00:00:06,948 --> 00:00:08,115 Hi. 3 00:00:08,117 --> 00:00:09,516 Yep, you guessed it: 4 00:00:09,518 --> 00:00:11,285 I'm a millennial. 5 00:00:11,287 --> 00:00:12,453 Which means 6 00:00:12,455 --> 00:00:14,922 I hate labels, like "millennial." 7 00:00:15,690 --> 00:00:17,391 Today, we're gonna teach you 8 00:00:17,393 --> 00:00:19,526 how to get the most out of us, 9 00:00:19,528 --> 00:00:22,396 like how you can take an ordinary work task... 10 00:00:22,398 --> 00:00:24,632 Could you please refill the coffee maker? 11 00:00:26,801 --> 00:00:28,469 And M.I.C. it up! 12 00:00:28,471 --> 00:00:30,471 ANNOUNCER: Make It Cool! 13 00:00:30,496 --> 00:00:33,653 I have a dope idea for a viral video. 14 00:00:33,678 --> 00:00:36,278 It's you refilling the coffee maker! 15 00:00:41,969 --> 00:00:44,451 But first, we'll show you how to manage 16 00:00:44,453 --> 00:00:45,686 with P.A.C.E. 17 00:00:45,688 --> 00:00:47,988 ANNOUNCER: Praise Above Criticism Everytime. 18 00:00:47,990 --> 00:00:49,957 Recent scientists have proven 19 00:00:49,959 --> 00:00:51,959 that we millennials are like flowers 20 00:00:51,961 --> 00:00:54,361 that wilt in the shade of criticism 21 00:00:54,363 --> 00:00:57,331 and blossom in the rays of praise. 22 00:00:59,273 --> 00:01:00,656 Hey, Esther, how you doing? 23 00:01:00,681 --> 00:01:02,980 Ugh, last night I had the most annoying three-way. 24 00:01:03,005 --> 00:01:03,804 Okay! 25 00:01:05,507 --> 00:01:07,574 Attention, precious flowers: 26 00:01:07,576 --> 00:01:09,209 I, Jack Gordon, 27 00:01:09,211 --> 00:01:11,612 have completed my millennial sensitivity training, 28 00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:15,416 which means I get to boss you ass-clowns around. 29 00:01:15,418 --> 00:01:19,520 "I'm Jack, and yelling at kids makes me feel young again!" 30 00:01:19,522 --> 00:01:23,490 "Whatever happened to wearing a suit to a baseball game?" 31 00:01:23,492 --> 00:01:25,559 Are you guys making fun of Jack? 32 00:01:25,561 --> 00:01:27,995 Okay, hold on, I got one, I got one. 33 00:01:27,997 --> 00:01:29,430 "I'm Jack Gordon, 34 00:01:29,432 --> 00:01:31,765 and every shirt looks great on me." 35 00:01:31,767 --> 00:01:32,575 [laughs] 36 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,653 "You can open a beer on my calves. 37 00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,480 Durby-durby-durba!" 38 00:01:36,505 --> 00:01:37,805 Got him! 39 00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:40,174 That's an accurate impersonation of me 40 00:01:40,176 --> 00:01:41,645 right down to my beloved catchphrase, 41 00:01:41,653 --> 00:01:43,653 "Durdy-durdy-durdy." 42 00:01:44,114 --> 00:01:45,922 BROOKE: Dixon, you can't quit! 43 00:01:45,924 --> 00:01:48,091 You're one week into a three-month internship. 44 00:01:48,093 --> 00:01:49,225 There's no way 45 00:01:49,227 --> 00:01:51,294 I'm missing Bonnaroo to refill printer paper. 46 00:01:51,296 --> 00:01:53,830 But I tried to "Make It Cool!" 47 00:01:53,832 --> 00:01:56,032 By freestyle rapping about it? 48 00:01:56,821 --> 00:01:58,207 Dixon out. 49 00:02:00,192 --> 00:02:01,871 Just give me a few seconds of that rap 50 00:02:01,873 --> 00:02:05,473 and I promise I will only watch it every day of my life. 51 00:02:06,278 --> 00:02:09,059 That is the third intern we've lost this month. 52 00:02:09,084 --> 00:02:10,987 I'm so tired of dealing 53 00:02:11,012 --> 00:02:13,316 with these uppity products of nepotism. 54 00:02:13,318 --> 00:02:14,517 Tell me about it, 55 00:02:14,519 --> 00:02:16,895 only daughter of our wealthy British publisher. 56 00:02:17,661 --> 00:02:20,723 HR stresses diversity, but then why do they stick me 57 00:02:20,725 --> 00:02:22,879 with the same rich, white interns? 58 00:02:22,904 --> 00:02:25,194 Brooke, I've been to the most dangerous places in the world... 59 00:02:25,196 --> 00:02:26,929 Iraq, Sudan... 60 00:02:26,931 --> 00:02:28,965 But there's one place I refuse to go, 61 00:02:28,967 --> 00:02:30,800 and that's this conversation. 62 00:02:31,254 --> 00:02:33,469 Just pick the next intern yourself. 63 00:02:33,471 --> 00:02:35,497 I would, but I have to do Clark's performance review. 64 00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:36,673 Oh! Oh, me! 65 00:02:36,675 --> 00:02:38,174 Over here! Me, right here! 66 00:02:38,176 --> 00:02:39,642 Please, let me do it! 67 00:02:39,644 --> 00:02:41,711 Okay, the last time you got this excited about Clark 68 00:02:41,713 --> 00:02:43,012 was when you realized you could fit him 69 00:02:43,014 --> 00:02:44,781 inside the inter-office mail bin. 70 00:02:44,783 --> 00:02:46,616 Yeah, and if you hadn't interfered, 71 00:02:46,618 --> 00:02:49,052 he would be Accounts Payable's problem right now. 72 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,021 Look, he's a smart kid and he's sweet, 73 00:02:52,023 --> 00:02:54,891 but he needs mentoring, just like Roland mentored me. 74 00:02:54,893 --> 00:02:56,626 My dad got you drunk, 75 00:02:56,628 --> 00:02:59,362 then left you tied to a dog sled 200 miles from Anchorage. 76 00:02:59,364 --> 00:03:03,232 What you call "mentoring" is now known as "bullying." 77 00:03:03,234 --> 00:03:05,935 I just want to help him become a better writer 78 00:03:05,937 --> 00:03:07,537 and then it would make the magazine better. 79 00:03:07,539 --> 00:03:09,372 And I learned a lot from those dogs: 80 00:03:09,374 --> 00:03:10,640 teamwork, leadership, 81 00:03:10,642 --> 00:03:13,242 how to drop a deuce on the run... 82 00:03:13,244 --> 00:03:16,979 All right, all right, fine. 83 00:03:16,981 --> 00:03:18,548 All you have to do is read the review, 84 00:03:18,550 --> 00:03:20,450 which is already typed up. 85 00:03:21,485 --> 00:03:23,386 "I'm M.C. Brooke and I'm here to say, 86 00:03:23,388 --> 00:03:26,089 'Who swiped all the A4 from the paper tray?'" 87 00:03:26,091 --> 00:03:28,224 Give me that back! 88 00:03:30,098 --> 00:03:32,195 Here is Clark's review. 89 00:03:32,197 --> 00:03:34,797 And Jack, remember, you can't go barking orders at people 90 00:03:34,799 --> 00:03:37,266 like you do on one of your life-or-death expeditions. 91 00:03:37,268 --> 00:03:39,202 You're in an office now. 92 00:03:39,204 --> 00:03:40,169 Look. 93 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:42,874 The stakes have never been lower. 94 00:03:43,617 --> 00:03:46,364 I can handle zero-pressure situations. 95 00:03:46,801 --> 00:03:48,301 I get it. 96 00:03:48,467 --> 00:03:49,770 This is the small time. 97 00:03:52,349 --> 00:03:53,616 ♪ 98 00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:57,896 - Synced and corrected by javiernv - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 99 00:03:57,921 --> 00:04:01,124 [phone ringing] 100 00:04:04,361 --> 00:04:06,763 Clark Robertson, performance review: 101 00:04:06,765 --> 00:04:08,231 take one. 102 00:04:08,233 --> 00:04:10,833 Our young hero enters and sits. 103 00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:12,993 And our young hero is out of breath. 104 00:04:13,018 --> 00:04:14,047 Are you all right, Clark? 105 00:04:14,072 --> 00:04:16,072 Yeah, just excited. 106 00:04:16,074 --> 00:04:17,373 And also I think I'm allergic 107 00:04:17,375 --> 00:04:19,075 to most of the carpets in the office. 108 00:04:19,077 --> 00:04:21,737 But what am I gonna do, not work here? 109 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,112 [laughing] 110 00:04:23,114 --> 00:04:25,782 Don't spoil the ending. 111 00:04:25,784 --> 00:04:29,352 All right, "Clark, you are a gift to Outdoor Limits." 112 00:04:29,354 --> 00:04:33,089 "Your enthusiasm, work ethic, and ridonk story ideas 113 00:04:33,091 --> 00:04:34,357 have more than earned you 114 00:04:34,359 --> 00:04:37,159 the nickname 'Junior Jack. "" 115 00:04:37,184 --> 00:04:38,661 Why do you know all the words? 116 00:04:38,663 --> 00:04:40,129 Does Brooke let you see this beforehand? 117 00:04:40,131 --> 00:04:42,198 No! No, no, no, no. 118 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,834 She lets us write them. 119 00:04:44,836 --> 00:04:46,302 What?! 120 00:04:46,304 --> 00:04:49,472 Under "Where Do You See Yourself in Six Months," you wrote... 121 00:04:49,474 --> 00:04:51,573 "Jack's friend." 122 00:04:51,598 --> 00:04:53,709 Clark, when I'm on an expedition, 123 00:04:53,711 --> 00:04:55,578 there's no time for any of this. 124 00:04:55,580 --> 00:04:58,948 People do what I say, or they die... to death. 125 00:04:58,950 --> 00:05:00,750 So take a guess why I haven't responded 126 00:05:00,752 --> 00:05:03,219 to any of your pitches for a feature article. 127 00:05:03,221 --> 00:05:05,121 You don't know how to check email. 128 00:05:05,987 --> 00:05:07,604 You're a decent writer, 129 00:05:07,629 --> 00:05:08,581 but look what you're writing about. 130 00:05:08,606 --> 00:05:10,893 Last week, you interviewed Andreas Jansen, 131 00:05:10,895 --> 00:05:13,129 the premier free diver in the world. 132 00:05:13,131 --> 00:05:14,297 And what was your question? 133 00:05:14,299 --> 00:05:15,965 "Which Gilmore Girl are you?" 134 00:05:17,626 --> 00:05:18,487 He said Lauren Graham! 135 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:19,833 That's crazy! 136 00:05:20,705 --> 00:05:22,638 Then the next article, you followed that up with, 137 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:24,707 "I Gave a Pig a Cantaloupe: 138 00:05:24,709 --> 00:05:26,175 You'll Never Guess What Happened." 139 00:05:26,177 --> 00:05:27,743 Let me guess: he ate it. 140 00:05:27,745 --> 00:05:29,178 He ate it. 141 00:05:30,073 --> 00:05:32,048 Listen, those get us a lot of hits. 142 00:05:32,050 --> 00:05:33,282 Because they're clickbait! 143 00:05:33,284 --> 00:05:35,184 Okay, I have written at least ten articles 144 00:05:35,186 --> 00:05:36,719 that are not clickbait. 145 00:05:36,721 --> 00:05:39,589 You'll never guess what number four was. 146 00:05:39,591 --> 00:05:41,691 Look, it's great that you can write stuff 147 00:05:41,693 --> 00:05:42,892 that generates hits, 148 00:05:42,894 --> 00:05:45,261 but real articles have substance, 149 00:05:45,263 --> 00:05:48,631 and you'll never get a feature until you understand that. 150 00:05:48,633 --> 00:05:54,136 Okay, now, what issue of yours should we move on to next? 151 00:05:54,138 --> 00:05:55,738 Your horrible grammar, 152 00:05:55,740 --> 00:05:57,006 urinal etiquette, 153 00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:59,575 or should we just go straight to the unfixables? 154 00:05:59,577 --> 00:06:01,143 Cut! 155 00:06:01,145 --> 00:06:03,312 Do you really think my urinal etiquette is fixable? 156 00:06:03,314 --> 00:06:06,015 You don't have to pull your pants all the way down. 157 00:06:09,268 --> 00:06:10,419 Hey, you two. 158 00:06:10,421 --> 00:06:12,688 Who's up for a fun assignment? 159 00:06:12,690 --> 00:06:13,956 You had me at "fun." 160 00:06:13,958 --> 00:06:16,325 And lost me at "assignment." 161 00:06:16,327 --> 00:06:19,161 I was hoping to get some help in selecting the new intern, 162 00:06:19,163 --> 00:06:21,731 the priority of course being diversity. 163 00:06:26,111 --> 00:06:28,948 And you're asking us because... 164 00:06:31,495 --> 00:06:33,442 Because... 165 00:06:33,444 --> 00:06:36,312 ZEB: I think she asked you because you're black and Asian. 166 00:06:37,414 --> 00:06:39,582 No, that's not what I said! 167 00:06:39,584 --> 00:06:41,951 Don't put words into my mouth, Zeb. 168 00:06:41,953 --> 00:06:43,619 I actually don't see color. 169 00:06:43,621 --> 00:06:44,287 Whoa. 170 00:06:44,289 --> 00:06:45,690 I only see color? 171 00:06:45,715 --> 00:06:46,656 Whoa! 172 00:06:46,658 --> 00:06:48,057 Oh, I'm sorry, I just... 173 00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:49,058 [sighs] 174 00:06:49,060 --> 00:06:49,825 Guys... 175 00:06:49,827 --> 00:06:50,459 "Guys"? 176 00:06:50,461 --> 00:06:51,160 Oh, brother. 177 00:06:51,162 --> 00:06:52,428 "Brother"? 178 00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:54,025 ZEB: Someone please 179 00:06:54,050 --> 00:06:55,717 describe Brooke's face to me right now. 180 00:06:56,668 --> 00:06:58,334 What did I ever do to you, Zeb? 181 00:06:58,336 --> 00:07:01,037 ZEB: Uh, make me live in a tent for 30 days? 182 00:07:01,705 --> 00:07:03,739 Brooke, relax, we're just messing with you. 183 00:07:03,741 --> 00:07:05,775 It's actually kind of cool what you're trying to do here. 184 00:07:05,777 --> 00:07:07,043 Okay, thank you, Mason. 185 00:07:07,045 --> 00:07:08,578 And for the record, 186 00:07:08,580 --> 00:07:10,880 I only asked you two to help with the diversity hire 187 00:07:10,882 --> 00:07:12,748 because you're the first two people I saw. 188 00:07:12,750 --> 00:07:14,650 ZEB: Oh, so you were looking for white people 189 00:07:14,652 --> 00:07:16,452 but then settled for them? 190 00:07:16,454 --> 00:07:18,621 Not what I said! 191 00:07:22,893 --> 00:07:24,093 Wazzzuuuppp?! 192 00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:26,329 Wazzzuuuppp?! 193 00:07:26,331 --> 00:07:29,198 Do you think we're the last two people still doing that? 194 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:30,366 Definitely. 195 00:07:31,468 --> 00:07:32,501 You look happy. 196 00:07:32,503 --> 00:07:33,703 Yeah, I just gave Clark 197 00:07:33,705 --> 00:07:35,137 a classic performance review, 198 00:07:35,139 --> 00:07:37,173 like the ones that Roland used to give me. 199 00:07:37,175 --> 00:07:40,009 Those were the only times I ever saw you cry. 200 00:07:40,011 --> 00:07:42,311 That and when you lost your pet tortoise. 201 00:07:43,111 --> 00:07:45,715 Gary Turtlepants is not lost. 202 00:07:45,717 --> 00:07:49,318 He is out there somewhere, trying to get home. 203 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,373 And he is scared. 204 00:07:53,371 --> 00:07:54,603 I know he is. 205 00:07:55,026 --> 00:07:56,425 But I bet you he's really proud 206 00:07:56,427 --> 00:07:58,194 of how you're adjusting to your new job. 207 00:07:58,977 --> 00:08:02,980 [phone ringing] 208 00:08:03,005 --> 00:08:04,238 Remember these things? 209 00:08:05,275 --> 00:08:06,705 Excuse me. 210 00:08:07,067 --> 00:08:08,233 Eddie's. 211 00:08:09,483 --> 00:08:10,908 Yeah, he's here. 212 00:08:11,476 --> 00:08:12,908 Yeah, I'll send him back. 213 00:08:14,211 --> 00:08:15,478 That was your office. 214 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,545 HR is looking for you. 215 00:08:16,911 --> 00:08:17,980 Are you in trouble? 216 00:08:17,982 --> 00:08:19,649 Will, since they knew to find me in a bar 217 00:08:19,651 --> 00:08:22,752 in the middle of a workday, I'm gonna go with yes. 218 00:08:26,825 --> 00:08:28,557 Welcome, Mr. Gordon. 219 00:08:28,559 --> 00:08:30,159 Uh, is this where I play 220 00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,694 while my mom and dad use the gym? 221 00:08:32,481 --> 00:08:36,032 Our younger workforce prefers a safe space. 222 00:08:36,034 --> 00:08:38,000 We're all adjusting. 223 00:08:38,025 --> 00:08:39,254 For instance, 224 00:08:39,256 --> 00:08:41,956 I realized I can no longer wear a skirt. 225 00:08:47,505 --> 00:08:48,177 [clears throat] 226 00:08:48,965 --> 00:08:52,208 This is about your recent performance review of Clark. 227 00:08:52,458 --> 00:08:53,784 Hi, what are you in for? 228 00:08:53,809 --> 00:08:56,052 Excessive hotness? 229 00:08:56,054 --> 00:08:57,586 I'm Clark's mom. 230 00:08:57,588 --> 00:08:59,021 [laughs] 231 00:08:59,023 --> 00:09:03,025 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 232 00:09:03,027 --> 00:09:06,562 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 233 00:09:06,564 --> 00:09:08,464 No. 234 00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:11,911 My son played me the video of his performance review. 235 00:09:12,003 --> 00:09:14,804 Clark showed his mom his performance review? 236 00:09:14,806 --> 00:09:16,572 Clark brought his mom into work? 237 00:09:16,574 --> 00:09:17,590 Clark's mom is hot? 238 00:09:17,615 --> 00:09:19,317 What is happening?! 239 00:09:20,244 --> 00:09:22,114 No one speaks to my son the way you did. 240 00:09:22,139 --> 00:09:23,272 Oh, yeah they do. 241 00:09:23,297 --> 00:09:24,629 Did you see the footage? 242 00:09:25,294 --> 00:09:27,616 Growing up, Clark had ten heroes. 243 00:09:27,618 --> 00:09:30,453 You'll never guess who number three was. 244 00:09:31,315 --> 00:09:33,917 Oh my God, you are Clark's mom. 245 00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:36,644 And I had to build him up a lot 246 00:09:36,678 --> 00:09:38,705 just to get him to try out for soccer, 247 00:09:39,098 --> 00:09:40,763 or write for the school paper, 248 00:09:40,765 --> 00:09:43,699 or believe he was tall enough to enter the pageant circuit. 249 00:09:44,036 --> 00:09:45,201 What was his talent? 250 00:09:45,203 --> 00:09:46,702 Sweating? 251 00:09:46,704 --> 00:09:48,833 And now you're sweat-shaming him. 252 00:09:49,349 --> 00:09:51,684 Jack, your review crushed him. 253 00:09:51,709 --> 00:09:54,169 Oh, come on, I didn't crush him. 254 00:09:54,401 --> 00:09:57,836 Get ready, Clark, because I'm about to crush you. 255 00:10:00,705 --> 00:10:02,231 I'm genuinely convinced 256 00:10:02,256 --> 00:10:05,057 your articles are making our country dumber. 257 00:10:05,831 --> 00:10:08,833 Your email signature is just the poop emoji. 258 00:10:10,329 --> 00:10:12,263 Stop talking about Hamilton! 259 00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:15,755 Okay, so I was tough on him, 260 00:10:15,780 --> 00:10:18,044 but he's never gonna learn if he can't take criticism. 261 00:10:18,069 --> 00:10:19,568 Look, when I'm up on the mountain... 262 00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:21,370 You're no longer up on the mountain! 263 00:10:22,301 --> 00:10:25,485 In this office, we practice P.A.C.E.... 264 00:10:25,487 --> 00:10:28,778 "Praise Above Criticism Everytime." 265 00:10:28,803 --> 00:10:30,503 That says "Diversity is Yummy." 266 00:10:31,997 --> 00:10:33,325 Did they move the poster? 267 00:10:33,350 --> 00:10:36,672 I can't turn around in these chairs. 268 00:10:36,954 --> 00:10:39,499 Look, Clark is really... 269 00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:43,425 ...full of energy, and he definitely... 270 00:10:43,778 --> 00:10:45,661 ...works here. 271 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:47,942 But I have to think of the magazine first. 272 00:10:47,967 --> 00:10:49,400 And so do I. 273 00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:51,857 That's why I asked Philip to shadow you 274 00:10:51,836 --> 00:10:53,736 to make sure you comply. 275 00:10:53,738 --> 00:10:56,438 You're giving me a babysitter, and it's Philip? 276 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,674 The guy that had to conduct sexual harassment seminars 277 00:10:58,676 --> 00:11:00,843 with a magazine over his lap? 278 00:11:00,845 --> 00:11:03,473 He's working on that! 279 00:11:05,042 --> 00:11:07,794 Any more criticism of Clark and you'll be demoted 280 00:11:07,819 --> 00:11:10,715 to a non-leadership position and suspended without pay. 281 00:11:10,740 --> 00:11:11,939 This meeting is over. 282 00:11:12,518 --> 00:11:15,019 I wouldn't get up yet, Philip. 283 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,032 Philip, you don't need to follow me. 284 00:11:25,034 --> 00:11:26,477 I'm committed to helping Clark. 285 00:11:26,502 --> 00:11:28,369 I'm not going to ridicule him. [laughing] 286 00:11:30,170 --> 00:11:31,270 Nice vest. 287 00:11:31,295 --> 00:11:32,861 Marty McFly called... 288 00:11:35,809 --> 00:11:37,667 ...and I let it go to voicemail. 289 00:11:39,753 --> 00:11:42,596 So, uh, what are you up to? 290 00:11:43,362 --> 00:11:46,455 Just trying to cheer myself up with some photos from Saturday. 291 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,821 My Frisbee golf team and I 292 00:11:47,823 --> 00:11:49,623 got hopped up on Bacardi Breezers 293 00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:51,825 and went to a silent disco. 294 00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:55,440 That sounds fun. 295 00:11:55,830 --> 00:12:00,000 You sound like a fun guy with friends that are cool. 296 00:12:00,994 --> 00:12:02,426 And fun. 297 00:12:04,542 --> 00:12:06,609 Jack, you're being super nice to me. 298 00:12:06,689 --> 00:12:08,322 Are you dying? 299 00:12:09,675 --> 00:12:11,311 A little. 300 00:12:11,777 --> 00:12:13,744 So, let's talk about your ideas 301 00:12:13,746 --> 00:12:15,645 that are worth my time and attention. 302 00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:17,972 Well, I was thinking, you know, 303 00:12:17,997 --> 00:12:19,097 you've done a lot of stories 304 00:12:19,122 --> 00:12:20,688 about living with animals in the wild. 305 00:12:20,915 --> 00:12:22,481 What if we flipped that 306 00:12:22,506 --> 00:12:24,206 and we got the animals to come here 307 00:12:24,256 --> 00:12:26,995 to the office as a commentary on... 308 00:12:27,183 --> 00:12:29,826 Never mind, you look disgusted. 309 00:12:29,828 --> 00:12:31,661 No, no, I'm not disgusted. 310 00:12:31,663 --> 00:12:33,997 This is my thinking face. 311 00:12:34,831 --> 00:12:35,532 Oh, cool. 312 00:12:35,534 --> 00:12:39,256 Okay, see, it's animals posing as office workers. 313 00:12:39,281 --> 00:12:40,714 Here's a mock-up I put together. 314 00:12:46,310 --> 00:12:47,844 Wow, I can tell by your face 315 00:12:47,846 --> 00:12:50,230 you're really thinking hard right now. 316 00:12:50,457 --> 00:12:54,308 Yes, that looks convincing, realistic... 317 00:12:54,487 --> 00:12:56,245 Plus, these apex predators 318 00:12:56,270 --> 00:12:58,800 will simply love flash photography. 319 00:12:59,358 --> 00:13:00,409 Seriously? 320 00:13:00,434 --> 00:13:02,234 So can we plan the photo shoot for tomorrow? 321 00:13:03,461 --> 00:13:05,562 Who could say no to that? 322 00:13:06,723 --> 00:13:08,424 Anybody? 323 00:13:09,636 --> 00:13:11,417 Do you like this idea, Philip? 324 00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:14,076 We can usually tell when you like something. 325 00:13:18,445 --> 00:13:20,913 Okay, so I have all the diversity candidates here. 326 00:13:20,938 --> 00:13:22,470 I've arranged them into piles 327 00:13:22,495 --> 00:13:24,526 based on the standard diversity categories. 328 00:13:24,551 --> 00:13:26,918 Wait, you segregated the résumés? 329 00:13:27,653 --> 00:13:30,554 Which I now realize was a bad idea. 330 00:13:30,556 --> 00:13:34,324 So many qualified candidates: 331 00:13:34,326 --> 00:13:37,894 African Americans, Hispanics, some gay people... 332 00:13:37,919 --> 00:13:39,362 - Whoa! - Hold on! 333 00:13:39,364 --> 00:13:41,208 Now you're just throwing labels around. 334 00:13:41,233 --> 00:13:43,480 Yeah, most labels lead to wrong assumptions. 335 00:13:43,482 --> 00:13:44,847 Like just because I'm Asian, 336 00:13:44,872 --> 00:13:46,939 people assume I'm great at math. 337 00:13:47,072 --> 00:13:49,005 But I totally suck at it. 338 00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:52,309 Okay, no labels. 339 00:13:52,311 --> 00:13:54,878 So, uh, Maria Vasquez, 340 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,280 of indeterminate origin. 341 00:13:59,283 --> 00:14:00,851 Looks like she actually might be... 342 00:14:00,853 --> 00:14:01,585 Whoa! 343 00:14:01,587 --> 00:14:02,586 Hold on! 344 00:14:02,588 --> 00:14:03,887 What is it this time? 345 00:14:03,889 --> 00:14:05,155 Uh, you said "she" 346 00:14:05,157 --> 00:14:06,857 and attached a gender label to Maria 347 00:14:06,859 --> 00:14:09,092 like you didn't get woke two minutes ago! 348 00:14:09,094 --> 00:14:10,927 I'm woke! 349 00:14:10,929 --> 00:14:13,196 You know I'm woke! 350 00:14:13,198 --> 00:14:15,599 Anyway, what am I supposed to say instead? 351 00:14:15,601 --> 00:14:17,200 "They" or "them." 352 00:14:17,202 --> 00:14:18,802 Wait, so I call her "they"? 353 00:14:18,804 --> 00:14:20,737 No, you call them "they" 354 00:14:20,739 --> 00:14:23,874 So if I call they "them," they would appreciate it. 355 00:14:23,876 --> 00:14:27,344 No, if you call them "them" they'll appreciate it. 356 00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:29,679 Okay, Maria's out. 357 00:14:29,681 --> 00:14:31,378 Oh, so now you're outing her? 358 00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:32,936 Now you're outing them! 359 00:14:34,357 --> 00:14:36,425 Okay, me is calling this meeting. 360 00:14:36,615 --> 00:14:39,983 By tomorrow, please narrow these 43 candidates down to six. 361 00:14:40,008 --> 00:14:43,376 So we're only going to meet with 13.95% of the candidates? 362 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:45,878 I lied before. 363 00:14:45,903 --> 00:14:47,402 I'm actually incredible at math. 364 00:14:54,464 --> 00:14:55,776 This is so exciting! 365 00:14:55,801 --> 00:14:57,301 My first real feature! 366 00:14:57,743 --> 00:14:58,620 But I'm a little worried 367 00:14:58,645 --> 00:15:00,545 we might not get all the shots we need. 368 00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:06,283 Oh, I'm sure the crime scene photographer will take plenty. 369 00:15:06,285 --> 00:15:08,718 ESTHER: Hey, that leopard's being 370 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:09,920 a real diva. 371 00:15:09,922 --> 00:15:12,155 He won't let us duct tape a cigar to his paw. 372 00:15:12,157 --> 00:15:15,125 But we need that for the "fat cat" shot! 373 00:15:15,127 --> 00:15:16,426 Aw, next you're gonna tell me 374 00:15:16,428 --> 00:15:17,961 he doesn't want to wear the monocle. 375 00:15:17,963 --> 00:15:19,496 I know, right? 376 00:15:20,065 --> 00:15:22,399 Also, is it bad if a timber wolf 377 00:15:22,401 --> 00:15:24,745 eats a two-month supply of ADD meds? 378 00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:27,470 No, not at all. 379 00:15:27,472 --> 00:15:29,306 At least now he'll be completely focused... 380 00:15:29,581 --> 00:15:31,198 On killing us. 381 00:15:31,987 --> 00:15:33,610 This is all falling apart. 382 00:15:33,635 --> 00:15:35,120 What am I doing wrong, Jack? 383 00:15:35,145 --> 00:15:36,780 Well, I really can't answer that, 384 00:15:36,782 --> 00:15:38,281 but I can get 385 00:15:38,283 --> 00:15:41,151 some of the more adorable animals to safety. 386 00:15:41,153 --> 00:15:43,286 That includes this lemur. 387 00:15:43,288 --> 00:15:44,587 And me. 388 00:15:44,589 --> 00:15:48,058 Uh, so everyone, be still! 389 00:15:48,060 --> 00:15:50,886 Remember, no sudden good ideas. 390 00:16:00,638 --> 00:16:02,539 What is wrong with me? 391 00:16:02,564 --> 00:16:05,065 I literally couldn't stop offending Mason and Emma. 392 00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:07,167 I'm supposed to be the millennial whisperer. 393 00:16:07,169 --> 00:16:08,134 Oh, Brooke, 394 00:16:08,136 --> 00:16:09,402 you'll always be that sad nickname 395 00:16:09,404 --> 00:16:11,705 that you gave yourself. 396 00:16:11,707 --> 00:16:13,006 Come on, 397 00:16:13,008 --> 00:16:15,141 diversity in the workplace isn't as hard as it seems. 398 00:16:15,658 --> 00:16:18,619 Then again, I'm self-employed, so I completely nailed it. 399 00:16:19,847 --> 00:16:20,814 What's wrong, Jack? 400 00:16:20,934 --> 00:16:21,900 I'm just in my head 401 00:16:21,934 --> 00:16:23,267 about what I should do about Clark. 402 00:16:23,292 --> 00:16:27,853 Jack, you tried giving praise and you tried being harsh. 403 00:16:28,423 --> 00:16:30,357 Now what do you think you should try? 404 00:16:30,915 --> 00:16:31,925 Ah! 405 00:16:31,927 --> 00:16:34,427 Double down on being harsh. 406 00:16:35,691 --> 00:16:37,292 Do I have to solve everyone's problems? 407 00:16:37,833 --> 00:16:40,447 You have to stop doubting yourself and take action. 408 00:16:40,472 --> 00:16:42,706 You have to stop being the mentor you needed 409 00:16:42,731 --> 00:16:44,381 and be the mentor Clark needs. 410 00:16:44,406 --> 00:16:45,572 And you? 411 00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:47,814 I've got no problem with you. 412 00:16:47,844 --> 00:16:48,776 You're cute as hell. 413 00:16:49,887 --> 00:16:51,254 But you're also a giant rat, 414 00:16:51,279 --> 00:16:52,745 so you all gotta get out of here. 415 00:17:00,265 --> 00:17:01,732 Sorry! 416 00:17:01,757 --> 00:17:03,823 Brooke, we've been waiting for you. 417 00:17:03,825 --> 00:17:05,725 We settled on the candidate hours ago. 418 00:17:05,727 --> 00:17:07,727 Why didn't you just do some other work? 419 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:10,974 It honestly didn't occur to us. 420 00:17:11,626 --> 00:17:12,732 Brooke? 421 00:17:12,734 --> 00:17:13,900 Just wanted to let you know 422 00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:15,435 we went ahead and hired our new intern. 423 00:17:15,437 --> 00:17:16,469 What? 424 00:17:16,471 --> 00:17:18,305 He came very highly recommended. 425 00:17:18,307 --> 00:17:19,539 By his father, 426 00:17:19,541 --> 00:17:22,033 who's our magazine's biggest advertiser. 427 00:17:22,634 --> 00:17:24,103 Connor Worthington? 428 00:17:24,128 --> 00:17:26,757 Under interests, it says "Tom Brady" 429 00:17:26,782 --> 00:17:29,564 and "belts with little whales on them"" 430 00:17:29,985 --> 00:17:31,251 Under career objectives, 431 00:17:31,276 --> 00:17:34,711 it just says "Make America Lit Again." 432 00:17:34,736 --> 00:17:36,603 This is unacceptable! 433 00:17:36,628 --> 00:17:39,896 Diversity is, like the poster says, "yummy." 434 00:17:39,921 --> 00:17:43,142 I am sorry, but I insist the position be filled by... 435 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,131 Sunitha Patel. 436 00:17:46,321 --> 00:17:49,389 I'm sure they'll be an excellent addition to our team, 437 00:17:49,414 --> 00:17:51,642 and I'm very excited to meet them. 438 00:17:52,548 --> 00:17:55,197 As long as they know how to refill toner, 439 00:17:55,222 --> 00:17:56,603 them's hired. 440 00:17:59,268 --> 00:18:00,802 Pretty woke. 441 00:18:00,835 --> 00:18:02,601 I thought so, too. 442 00:18:02,751 --> 00:18:05,485 That felt amazing! 443 00:18:05,487 --> 00:18:07,187 Sunitha Patel. 444 00:18:07,189 --> 00:18:10,259 This more than makes up for my people colonizing India! 445 00:18:10,284 --> 00:18:12,318 No, no! 446 00:18:17,205 --> 00:18:19,228 Jack, where have you been? 447 00:18:19,253 --> 00:18:21,887 Bad news: there's a wolverine in the AC duct. 448 00:18:21,912 --> 00:18:24,666 Good news: not so cold in here. 449 00:18:24,691 --> 00:18:26,126 Clark, I'm about to give you 450 00:18:26,151 --> 00:18:28,751 the most constructive criticism of your life. 451 00:18:29,077 --> 00:18:30,822 Philip, have a lemur. 452 00:18:30,847 --> 00:18:33,214 It's his mating season, so cover your ear holes. 453 00:18:34,932 --> 00:18:36,833 Look. 454 00:18:37,822 --> 00:18:40,455 To call this situation a dumpster fire 455 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,347 would be an insult to flaming piles of trash. 456 00:18:43,635 --> 00:18:44,556 I knew it. 457 00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:47,214 I just wanted to be a great journalist, but I suck. 458 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,360 You don't suck at journalism. 459 00:18:49,464 --> 00:18:51,931 You just suck at knowing what your actual talents are 460 00:18:51,933 --> 00:18:53,533 because you've been overly praised, 461 00:18:53,535 --> 00:18:55,902 under criticized, and excessively "mom" -ed. 462 00:18:55,904 --> 00:18:57,611 Hot "mom" -ed. 463 00:18:58,807 --> 00:19:00,640 You're on to something, Jack. 464 00:19:00,642 --> 00:19:02,876 Just saying I'm a great writer 465 00:19:02,878 --> 00:19:05,979 or a pageant prince or six-foot-two 466 00:19:05,981 --> 00:19:07,353 doesn't make it true. 467 00:19:07,378 --> 00:19:10,146 I need a boss like you to help me be the real me: 468 00:19:10,171 --> 00:19:13,072 a normal, regular, six-foot guy. 469 00:19:14,422 --> 00:19:16,589 I'm shorter than six feet?! 470 00:19:17,867 --> 00:19:20,269 We'll cover height another day. 471 00:19:21,150 --> 00:19:22,996 You think there's any way to save this feature? 472 00:19:22,998 --> 00:19:24,564 No way in hell. 473 00:19:24,566 --> 00:19:27,500 But what you can do is pay for this disaster 474 00:19:27,502 --> 00:19:29,969 by turning it into revenue-generating clickbait. 475 00:19:29,971 --> 00:19:31,704 Then, assuming we live through this, 476 00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:34,666 we'll start talking about your first feature. 477 00:19:35,710 --> 00:19:37,077 Hey. 478 00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:39,489 So I was accidentally hooking up with one of the handlers, 479 00:19:39,514 --> 00:19:42,228 and it appears that his boa constrictor has escaped. 480 00:19:42,818 --> 00:19:45,618 That is both real and a euphemism. 481 00:20:00,063 --> 00:20:02,156 Yo, I'm an old, 482 00:20:02,181 --> 00:20:04,815 which means I still pay money for my email address. 483 00:20:05,961 --> 00:20:07,195 And yes, that smell 484 00:20:07,220 --> 00:20:10,500 is the tuna fish sandwich I packed for lunch. 485 00:20:10,941 --> 00:20:13,101 Today, we're gonna teach you 486 00:20:13,126 --> 00:20:14,776 how to put up with us. 487 00:20:14,778 --> 00:20:16,778 Like when it comes to technology, 488 00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:19,348 you should... wait for the D.R.O.P.! 489 00:20:19,350 --> 00:20:21,836 ANNOUNCER: Don't Rush Old People!