00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM 1 00:00:00,047 --> 00:00:01,814 ♪ 2 00:00:06,148 --> 00:00:07,315 Hi. 3 00:00:07,317 --> 00:00:08,716 Yep, you guessed it: 4 00:00:08,718 --> 00:00:10,485 I'm a millennial. 5 00:00:10,487 --> 00:00:11,653 Which means 6 00:00:11,655 --> 00:00:14,122 I hate labels, like "millennial." 7 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,591 Today, we're gonna teach you 8 00:00:16,593 --> 00:00:18,726 how to get the most out of us, 9 00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:21,596 like how you can take an ordinary work task... 10 00:00:21,598 --> 00:00:23,832 Could you please refill the coffee maker? 11 00:00:26,001 --> 00:00:27,669 And M.I.C. it up! 12 00:00:27,671 --> 00:00:29,671 ANNOUNCER: Make It Cool! 13 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:32,853 I have a dope idea for a viral video. 14 00:00:32,878 --> 00:00:35,478 It's you refilling the coffee maker! 15 00:00:41,169 --> 00:00:43,651 But first, we'll show you how to manage 16 00:00:43,653 --> 00:00:44,886 with P.A.C.E. 17 00:00:44,888 --> 00:00:47,188 ANNOUNCER: Praise Above Criticism Everytime. 18 00:00:47,190 --> 00:00:49,157 Recent scientists have proven 19 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:51,159 that we millennials are like flowers 20 00:00:51,161 --> 00:00:53,561 that wilt in the shade of criticism 21 00:00:53,563 --> 00:00:56,531 and blossom in the rays of praise. 22 00:00:58,473 --> 00:00:59,856 Hey, Esther, how you doing? 23 00:00:59,881 --> 00:01:02,180 Ugh, last night I had the most annoying three-way. 24 00:01:02,205 --> 00:01:03,004 Okay! 25 00:01:04,707 --> 00:01:06,774 Attention, precious flowers: 26 00:01:06,776 --> 00:01:08,409 I, Jack Gordon, 27 00:01:08,411 --> 00:01:10,812 have completed my millennial sensitivity training, 28 00:01:10,814 --> 00:01:14,616 which means I get to boss you ass-clowns around. 29 00:01:14,618 --> 00:01:18,720 "I'm Jack, and yelling at kids makes me feel young again!" 30 00:01:18,722 --> 00:01:22,690 "Whatever happened to wearing a suit to a baseball game?" 31 00:01:22,692 --> 00:01:24,759 Are you guys making fun of Jack? 32 00:01:24,761 --> 00:01:27,195 Okay, hold on, I got one, I got one. 33 00:01:27,197 --> 00:01:28,630 "I'm Jack Gordon, 34 00:01:28,632 --> 00:01:30,965 and every shirt looks great on me." 35 00:01:30,967 --> 00:01:31,775 [laughs] 36 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,853 "You can open a beer on my calves. 37 00:01:33,878 --> 00:01:35,680 Durby-durby-durba!" 38 00:01:35,705 --> 00:01:37,005 Got him! 39 00:01:37,007 --> 00:01:39,374 That's an accurate impersonation of me 40 00:01:39,376 --> 00:01:40,845 right down to my beloved catchphrase, 41 00:01:40,853 --> 00:01:42,853 "Durdy-durdy-durdy." 42 00:01:43,314 --> 00:01:45,122 BROOKE: Dixon, you can't quit! 43 00:01:45,124 --> 00:01:47,291 You're one week into a three-month internship. 44 00:01:47,293 --> 00:01:48,425 There's no way 45 00:01:48,427 --> 00:01:50,494 I'm missing Bonnaroo to refill printer paper. 46 00:01:50,496 --> 00:01:53,030 But I tried to "Make It Cool!" 47 00:01:53,032 --> 00:01:55,232 By freestyle rapping about it? 48 00:01:56,021 --> 00:01:57,407 Dixon out. 49 00:01:59,392 --> 00:02:01,071 Just give me a few seconds of that rap 50 00:02:01,073 --> 00:02:04,673 and I promise I will only watch it every day of my life. 51 00:02:05,478 --> 00:02:08,259 That is the third intern we've lost this month. 52 00:02:08,284 --> 00:02:10,187 I'm so tired of dealing 53 00:02:10,212 --> 00:02:12,516 with these uppity products of nepotism. 54 00:02:12,518 --> 00:02:13,717 Tell me about it, 55 00:02:13,719 --> 00:02:16,095 only daughter of our wealthy British publisher. 56 00:02:16,861 --> 00:02:19,923 HR stresses diversity, but then why do they stick me 57 00:02:19,925 --> 00:02:22,079 with the same rich, white interns? 58 00:02:22,104 --> 00:02:24,394 Brooke, I've been to the most dangerous places in the world... 59 00:02:24,396 --> 00:02:26,129 Iraq, Sudan... 60 00:02:26,131 --> 00:02:28,165 But there's one place I refuse to go, 61 00:02:28,167 --> 00:02:30,000 and that's this conversation. 62 00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:32,669 Just pick the next intern yourself. 63 00:02:32,671 --> 00:02:34,697 I would, but I have to do Clark's performance review. 64 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:35,873 Oh! Oh, me! 65 00:02:35,875 --> 00:02:37,374 Over here! Me, right here! 66 00:02:37,376 --> 00:02:38,842 Please, let me do it! 67 00:02:38,844 --> 00:02:40,911 Okay, the last time you got this excited about Clark 68 00:02:40,913 --> 00:02:42,212 was when you realized you could fit him 69 00:02:42,214 --> 00:02:43,981 inside the inter-office mail bin. 70 00:02:43,983 --> 00:02:45,816 Yeah, and if you hadn't interfered, 71 00:02:45,818 --> 00:02:48,252 he would be Accounts Payable's problem right now. 72 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:51,221 Look, he's a smart kid and he's sweet, 73 00:02:51,223 --> 00:02:54,091 but he needs mentoring, just like Roland mentored me. 74 00:02:54,093 --> 00:02:55,826 My dad got you drunk, 75 00:02:55,828 --> 00:02:58,562 then left you tied to a dog sled 200 miles from Anchorage. 76 00:02:58,564 --> 00:03:02,432 What you call "mentoring" is now known as "bullying." 77 00:03:02,434 --> 00:03:05,135 I just want to help him become a better writer 78 00:03:05,137 --> 00:03:06,737 and then it would make the magazine better. 79 00:03:06,739 --> 00:03:08,572 And I learned a lot from those dogs: 80 00:03:08,574 --> 00:03:09,840 teamwork, leadership, 81 00:03:09,842 --> 00:03:12,442 how to drop a deuce on the run... 82 00:03:12,444 --> 00:03:16,179 All right, all right, fine. 83 00:03:16,181 --> 00:03:17,748 All you have to do is read the review, 84 00:03:17,750 --> 00:03:19,650 which is already typed up. 85 00:03:20,685 --> 00:03:22,586 "I'm M.C. Brooke and I'm here to say, 86 00:03:22,588 --> 00:03:25,289 'Who swiped all the A4 from the paper tray?'" 87 00:03:25,291 --> 00:03:27,424 Give me that back! 88 00:03:29,298 --> 00:03:31,395 Here is Clark's review. 89 00:03:31,397 --> 00:03:33,997 And Jack, remember, you can't go barking orders at people 90 00:03:33,999 --> 00:03:36,466 like you do on one of your life-or-death expeditions. 91 00:03:36,468 --> 00:03:38,402 You're in an office now. 92 00:03:38,404 --> 00:03:39,369 Look. 93 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,074 The stakes have never been lower. 94 00:03:42,817 --> 00:03:45,564 I can handle zero-pressure situations. 95 00:03:46,001 --> 00:03:47,501 I get it. 96 00:03:47,667 --> 00:03:48,970 This is the small time. 97 00:03:51,549 --> 00:03:52,816 ♪ 98 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:57,096 - Synced and corrected by javiernv - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 99 00:03:57,121 --> 00:04:00,324 [phone ringing] 100 00:04:03,561 --> 00:04:05,963 Clark Robertson, performance review: 101 00:04:05,965 --> 00:04:07,431 take one. 102 00:04:07,433 --> 00:04:10,033 Our young hero enters and sits. 103 00:04:10,035 --> 00:04:12,193 And our young hero is out of breath. 104 00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:13,247 Are you all right, Clark? 105 00:04:13,272 --> 00:04:15,272 Yeah, just excited. 106 00:04:15,274 --> 00:04:16,573 And also I think I'm allergic 107 00:04:16,575 --> 00:04:18,275 to most of the carpets in the office. 108 00:04:18,277 --> 00:04:20,937 But what am I gonna do, not work here? 109 00:04:20,962 --> 00:04:22,312 [laughing] 110 00:04:22,314 --> 00:04:24,982 Don't spoil the ending. 111 00:04:24,984 --> 00:04:28,552 All right, "Clark, you are a gift to Outdoor Limits." 112 00:04:28,554 --> 00:04:32,289 "Your enthusiasm, work ethic, and ridonk story ideas 113 00:04:32,291 --> 00:04:33,557 have more than earned you 114 00:04:33,559 --> 00:04:36,359 the nickname 'Junior Jack. "" 115 00:04:36,384 --> 00:04:37,861 Why do you know all the words? 116 00:04:37,863 --> 00:04:39,329 Does Brooke let you see this beforehand? 117 00:04:39,331 --> 00:04:41,398 No! No, no, no, no. 118 00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,034 She lets us write them. 119 00:04:44,036 --> 00:04:45,502 What?! 120 00:04:45,504 --> 00:04:48,672 Under "Where Do You See Yourself in Six Months," you wrote... 121 00:04:48,674 --> 00:04:50,773 "Jack's friend." 122 00:04:50,798 --> 00:04:52,909 Clark, when I'm on an expedition, 123 00:04:52,911 --> 00:04:54,778 there's no time for any of this. 124 00:04:54,780 --> 00:04:58,148 People do what I say, or they die... to death. 125 00:04:58,150 --> 00:04:59,950 So take a guess why I haven't responded 126 00:04:59,952 --> 00:05:02,419 to any of your pitches for a feature article. 127 00:05:02,421 --> 00:05:04,321 You don't know how to check email. 128 00:05:05,187 --> 00:05:06,804 You're a decent writer, 129 00:05:06,829 --> 00:05:07,781 but look what you're writing about. 130 00:05:07,806 --> 00:05:10,093 Last week, you interviewed Andreas Jansen, 131 00:05:10,095 --> 00:05:12,329 the premier free diver in the world. 132 00:05:12,331 --> 00:05:13,497 And what was your question? 133 00:05:13,499 --> 00:05:15,165 "Which Gilmore Girl are you?" 134 00:05:16,826 --> 00:05:17,687 He said Lauren Graham! 135 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:19,033 That's crazy! 136 00:05:19,905 --> 00:05:21,838 Then the next article, you followed that up with, 137 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,907 "I Gave a Pig a Cantaloupe: 138 00:05:23,909 --> 00:05:25,375 You'll Never Guess What Happened." 139 00:05:25,377 --> 00:05:26,943 Let me guess: he ate it. 140 00:05:26,945 --> 00:05:28,378 He ate it. 141 00:05:29,273 --> 00:05:31,248 Listen, those get us a lot of hits. 142 00:05:31,250 --> 00:05:32,482 Because they're clickbait! 143 00:05:32,484 --> 00:05:34,384 Okay, I have written at least ten articles 144 00:05:34,386 --> 00:05:35,919 that are not clickbait. 145 00:05:35,921 --> 00:05:38,789 You'll never guess what number four was. 146 00:05:38,791 --> 00:05:40,891 Look, it's great that you can write stuff 147 00:05:40,893 --> 00:05:42,092 that generates hits, 148 00:05:42,094 --> 00:05:44,461 but real articles have substance, 149 00:05:44,463 --> 00:05:47,831 and you'll never get a feature until you understand that. 150 00:05:47,833 --> 00:05:53,336 Okay, now, what issue of yours should we move on to next? 151 00:05:53,338 --> 00:05:54,938 Your horrible grammar, 152 00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:56,206 urinal etiquette, 153 00:05:56,208 --> 00:05:58,775 or should we just go straight to the unfixables? 154 00:05:58,777 --> 00:06:00,343 Cut! 155 00:06:00,345 --> 00:06:02,512 Do you really think my urinal etiquette is fixable? 156 00:06:02,514 --> 00:06:05,215 You don't have to pull your pants all the way down. 157 00:06:08,468 --> 00:06:09,619 Hey, you two. 158 00:06:09,621 --> 00:06:11,888 Who's up for a fun assignment? 159 00:06:11,890 --> 00:06:13,156 You had me at "fun." 160 00:06:13,158 --> 00:06:15,525 And lost me at "assignment." 161 00:06:15,527 --> 00:06:18,361 I was hoping to get some help in selecting the new intern, 162 00:06:18,363 --> 00:06:20,931 the priority of course being diversity. 163 00:06:25,311 --> 00:06:28,148 And you're asking us because... 164 00:06:30,695 --> 00:06:32,642 Because... 165 00:06:32,644 --> 00:06:35,512 ZEB: I think she asked you because you're black and Asian. 166 00:06:36,614 --> 00:06:38,782 No, that's not what I said! 167 00:06:38,784 --> 00:06:41,151 Don't put words into my mouth, Zeb. 168 00:06:41,153 --> 00:06:42,819 I actually don't see color. 169 00:06:42,821 --> 00:06:43,487 Whoa. 170 00:06:43,489 --> 00:06:44,890 I only see color? 171 00:06:44,915 --> 00:06:45,856 Whoa! 172 00:06:45,858 --> 00:06:47,257 Oh, I'm sorry, I just... 173 00:06:47,259 --> 00:06:48,258 [sighs] 174 00:06:48,260 --> 00:06:49,025 Guys... 175 00:06:49,027 --> 00:06:49,659 "Guys"? 176 00:06:49,661 --> 00:06:50,360 Oh, brother. 177 00:06:50,362 --> 00:06:51,628 "Brother"? 178 00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:53,225 ZEB: Someone please 179 00:06:53,250 --> 00:06:54,917 describe Brooke's face to me right now. 180 00:06:55,868 --> 00:06:57,534 What did I ever do to you, Zeb? 181 00:06:57,536 --> 00:07:00,237 ZEB: Uh, make me live in a tent for 30 days? 182 00:07:00,905 --> 00:07:02,939 Brooke, relax, we're just messing with you. 183 00:07:02,941 --> 00:07:04,975 It's actually kind of cool what you're trying to do here. 184 00:07:04,977 --> 00:07:06,243 Okay, thank you, Mason. 185 00:07:06,245 --> 00:07:07,778 And for the record, 186 00:07:07,780 --> 00:07:10,080 I only asked you two to help with the diversity hire 187 00:07:10,082 --> 00:07:11,948 because you're the first two people I saw. 188 00:07:11,950 --> 00:07:13,850 ZEB: Oh, so you were looking for white people 189 00:07:13,852 --> 00:07:15,652 but then settled for them? 190 00:07:15,654 --> 00:07:17,821 Not what I said! 191 00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:23,293 Wazzzuuuppp?! 192 00:07:23,295 --> 00:07:25,529 Wazzzuuuppp?! 193 00:07:25,531 --> 00:07:28,398 Do you think we're the last two people still doing that? 194 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:29,566 Definitely. 195 00:07:30,668 --> 00:07:31,701 You look happy. 196 00:07:31,703 --> 00:07:32,903 Yeah, I just gave Clark 197 00:07:32,905 --> 00:07:34,337 a classic performance review, 198 00:07:34,339 --> 00:07:36,373 like the ones that Roland used to give me. 199 00:07:36,375 --> 00:07:39,209 Those were the only times I ever saw you cry. 200 00:07:39,211 --> 00:07:41,511 That and when you lost your pet tortoise. 201 00:07:42,311 --> 00:07:44,915 Gary Turtlepants is not lost. 202 00:07:44,917 --> 00:07:48,518 He is out there somewhere, trying to get home. 203 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,573 And he is scared. 204 00:07:52,571 --> 00:07:53,803 I know he is. 205 00:07:54,226 --> 00:07:55,625 But I bet you he's really proud 206 00:07:55,627 --> 00:07:57,394 of how you're adjusting to your new job. 207 00:07:58,177 --> 00:08:02,180 [phone ringing] 208 00:08:02,205 --> 00:08:03,438 Remember these things? 209 00:08:04,475 --> 00:08:05,905 Excuse me. 210 00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:07,433 Eddie's. 211 00:08:08,683 --> 00:08:10,108 Yeah, he's here. 212 00:08:10,676 --> 00:08:12,108 Yeah, I'll send him back. 213 00:08:13,411 --> 00:08:14,678 That was your office. 214 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:15,745 HR is looking for you. 215 00:08:16,111 --> 00:08:17,180 Are you in trouble? 216 00:08:17,182 --> 00:08:18,849 Will, since they knew to find me in a bar 217 00:08:18,851 --> 00:08:21,952 in the middle of a workday, I'm gonna go with yes. 218 00:08:26,025 --> 00:08:27,757 Welcome, Mr. Gordon. 219 00:08:27,759 --> 00:08:29,359 Uh, is this where I play 220 00:08:29,361 --> 00:08:30,894 while my mom and dad use the gym? 221 00:08:31,681 --> 00:08:35,232 Our younger workforce prefers a safe space. 222 00:08:35,234 --> 00:08:37,200 We're all adjusting. 223 00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:38,454 For instance, 224 00:08:38,456 --> 00:08:41,156 I realized I can no longer wear a skirt. 225 00:08:46,705 --> 00:08:47,377 [clears throat] 226 00:08:48,165 --> 00:08:51,408 This is about your recent performance review of Clark. 227 00:08:51,658 --> 00:08:52,984 Hi, what are you in for? 228 00:08:53,009 --> 00:08:55,252 Excessive hotness? 229 00:08:55,254 --> 00:08:56,786 I'm Clark's mom. 230 00:08:56,788 --> 00:08:58,221 [laughs] 231 00:08:58,223 --> 00:09:02,225 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 232 00:09:02,227 --> 00:09:05,762 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 233 00:09:05,764 --> 00:09:07,664 No. 234 00:09:08,190 --> 00:09:11,111 My son played me the video of his performance review. 235 00:09:11,203 --> 00:09:14,004 Clark showed his mom his performance review? 236 00:09:14,006 --> 00:09:15,772 Clark brought his mom into work? 237 00:09:15,774 --> 00:09:16,790 Clark's mom is hot? 238 00:09:16,815 --> 00:09:18,517 What is happening?! 239 00:09:19,444 --> 00:09:21,314 No one speaks to my son the way you did. 240 00:09:21,339 --> 00:09:22,472 Oh, yeah they do. 241 00:09:22,497 --> 00:09:23,829 Did you see the footage? 242 00:09:24,494 --> 00:09:26,816 Growing up, Clark had ten heroes. 243 00:09:26,818 --> 00:09:29,653 You'll never guess who number three was. 244 00:09:30,515 --> 00:09:33,117 Oh my God, you are Clark's mom. 245 00:09:34,024 --> 00:09:35,844 And I had to build him up a lot 246 00:09:35,878 --> 00:09:37,905 just to get him to try out for soccer, 247 00:09:38,298 --> 00:09:39,963 or write for the school paper, 248 00:09:39,965 --> 00:09:42,899 or believe he was tall enough to enter the pageant circuit. 249 00:09:43,236 --> 00:09:44,401 What was his talent? 250 00:09:44,403 --> 00:09:45,902 Sweating? 251 00:09:45,904 --> 00:09:48,033 And now you're sweat-shaming him. 252 00:09:48,549 --> 00:09:50,884 Jack, your review crushed him. 253 00:09:50,909 --> 00:09:53,369 Oh, come on, I didn't crush him. 254 00:09:53,601 --> 00:09:57,036 Get ready, Clark, because I'm about to crush you. 255 00:09:59,905 --> 00:10:01,431 I'm genuinely convinced 256 00:10:01,456 --> 00:10:04,257 your articles are making our country dumber. 257 00:10:05,031 --> 00:10:08,033 Your email signature is just the poop emoji. 258 00:10:09,529 --> 00:10:11,463 Stop talking about Hamilton! 259 00:10:12,630 --> 00:10:14,955 Okay, so I was tough on him, 260 00:10:14,980 --> 00:10:17,244 but he's never gonna learn if he can't take criticism. 261 00:10:17,269 --> 00:10:18,768 Look, when I'm up on the mountain... 262 00:10:18,770 --> 00:10:20,570 You're no longer up on the mountain! 263 00:10:21,501 --> 00:10:24,685 In this office, we practice P.A.C.E.... 264 00:10:24,687 --> 00:10:27,978 "Praise Above Criticism Everytime." 265 00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:29,703 That says "Diversity is Yummy." 266 00:10:31,197 --> 00:10:32,525 Did they move the poster? 267 00:10:32,550 --> 00:10:35,872 I can't turn around in these chairs. 268 00:10:36,154 --> 00:10:38,699 Look, Clark is really... 269 00:10:39,298 --> 00:10:42,625 ...full of energy, and he definitely... 270 00:10:42,978 --> 00:10:44,861 ...works here. 271 00:10:44,886 --> 00:10:47,142 But I have to think of the magazine first. 272 00:10:47,167 --> 00:10:48,600 And so do I. 273 00:10:48,890 --> 00:10:51,057 That's why I asked Philip to shadow you 274 00:10:51,036 --> 00:10:52,936 to make sure you comply. 275 00:10:52,938 --> 00:10:55,638 You're giving me a babysitter, and it's Philip? 276 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,874 The guy that had to conduct sexual harassment seminars 277 00:10:57,876 --> 00:11:00,043 with a magazine over his lap? 278 00:11:00,045 --> 00:11:02,673 He's working on that! 279 00:11:04,242 --> 00:11:06,994 Any more criticism of Clark and you'll be demoted 280 00:11:07,019 --> 00:11:09,915 to a non-leadership position and suspended without pay. 281 00:11:09,940 --> 00:11:11,139 This meeting is over. 282 00:11:11,718 --> 00:11:14,219 I wouldn't get up yet, Philip. 283 00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:23,132 Philip, you don't need to follow me. 284 00:11:23,134 --> 00:11:24,577 I'm committed to helping Clark. 285 00:11:24,602 --> 00:11:26,469 I'm not going to ridicule him. [laughing] 286 00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,370 Nice vest. 287 00:11:29,395 --> 00:11:30,961 Marty McFly called... 288 00:11:33,909 --> 00:11:35,767 ...and I let it go to voicemail. 289 00:11:37,853 --> 00:11:40,696 So, uh, what are you up to? 290 00:11:41,462 --> 00:11:44,555 Just trying to cheer myself up with some photos from Saturday. 291 00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:45,921 My Frisbee golf team and I 292 00:11:45,923 --> 00:11:47,723 got hopped up on Bacardi Breezers 293 00:11:47,725 --> 00:11:49,925 and went to a silent disco. 294 00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:53,540 That sounds fun. 295 00:11:53,930 --> 00:11:58,100 You sound like a fun guy with friends that are cool. 296 00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:00,526 And fun. 297 00:12:02,642 --> 00:12:04,709 Jack, you're being super nice to me. 298 00:12:04,789 --> 00:12:06,422 Are you dying? 299 00:12:07,775 --> 00:12:09,411 A little. 300 00:12:09,877 --> 00:12:11,844 So, let's talk about your ideas 301 00:12:11,846 --> 00:12:13,745 that are worth my time and attention. 302 00:12:13,747 --> 00:12:16,072 Well, I was thinking, you know, 303 00:12:16,097 --> 00:12:17,197 you've done a lot of stories 304 00:12:17,222 --> 00:12:18,788 about living with animals in the wild. 305 00:12:19,015 --> 00:12:20,581 What if we flipped that 306 00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:22,306 and we got the animals to come here 307 00:12:22,356 --> 00:12:25,095 to the office as a commentary on... 308 00:12:25,283 --> 00:12:27,926 Never mind, you look disgusted. 309 00:12:27,928 --> 00:12:29,761 No, no, I'm not disgusted. 310 00:12:29,763 --> 00:12:32,097 This is my thinking face. 311 00:12:32,931 --> 00:12:33,632 Oh, cool. 312 00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:37,356 Okay, see, it's animals posing as office workers. 313 00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:38,814 Here's a mock-up I put together. 314 00:12:44,410 --> 00:12:45,944 Wow, I can tell by your face 315 00:12:45,946 --> 00:12:48,330 you're really thinking hard right now. 316 00:12:48,557 --> 00:12:52,408 Yes, that looks convincing, realistic... 317 00:12:52,587 --> 00:12:54,345 Plus, these apex predators 318 00:12:54,370 --> 00:12:56,900 will simply love flash photography. 319 00:12:57,458 --> 00:12:58,509 Seriously? 320 00:12:58,534 --> 00:13:00,334 So can we plan the photo shoot for tomorrow? 321 00:13:01,561 --> 00:13:03,662 Who could say no to that? 322 00:13:04,823 --> 00:13:06,524 Anybody? 323 00:13:07,736 --> 00:13:09,517 Do you like this idea, Philip? 324 00:13:09,542 --> 00:13:12,176 We can usually tell when you like something. 325 00:13:16,545 --> 00:13:19,013 Okay, so I have all the diversity candidates here. 326 00:13:19,038 --> 00:13:20,570 I've arranged them into piles 327 00:13:20,595 --> 00:13:22,626 based on the standard diversity categories. 328 00:13:22,651 --> 00:13:25,018 Wait, you segregated the résumés? 329 00:13:25,753 --> 00:13:28,654 Which I now realize was a bad idea. 330 00:13:28,656 --> 00:13:32,424 So many qualified candidates: 331 00:13:32,426 --> 00:13:35,994 African Americans, Hispanics, some gay people... 332 00:13:36,019 --> 00:13:37,462 - Whoa! - Hold on! 333 00:13:37,464 --> 00:13:39,308 Now you're just throwing labels around. 334 00:13:39,333 --> 00:13:41,580 Yeah, most labels lead to wrong assumptions. 335 00:13:41,582 --> 00:13:42,947 Like just because I'm Asian, 336 00:13:42,972 --> 00:13:45,039 people assume I'm great at math. 337 00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:47,105 But I totally suck at it. 338 00:13:49,056 --> 00:13:50,409 Okay, no labels. 339 00:13:50,411 --> 00:13:52,978 So, uh, Maria Vasquez, 340 00:13:52,980 --> 00:13:55,380 of indeterminate origin. 341 00:13:57,383 --> 00:13:58,951 Looks like she actually might be... 342 00:13:58,953 --> 00:13:59,685 Whoa! 343 00:13:59,687 --> 00:14:00,686 Hold on! 344 00:14:00,688 --> 00:14:01,987 What is it this time? 345 00:14:01,989 --> 00:14:03,255 Uh, you said "she" 346 00:14:03,257 --> 00:14:04,957 and attached a gender label to Maria 347 00:14:04,959 --> 00:14:07,192 like you didn't get woke two minutes ago! 348 00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,027 I'm woke! 349 00:14:09,029 --> 00:14:11,296 You know I'm woke! 350 00:14:11,298 --> 00:14:13,699 Anyway, what am I supposed to say instead? 351 00:14:13,701 --> 00:14:15,300 "They" or "them." 352 00:14:15,302 --> 00:14:16,902 Wait, so I call her "they"? 353 00:14:16,904 --> 00:14:18,837 No, you call them "they" 354 00:14:18,839 --> 00:14:21,974 So if I call they "them," they would appreciate it. 355 00:14:21,976 --> 00:14:25,444 No, if you call them "them" they'll appreciate it. 356 00:14:26,228 --> 00:14:27,779 Okay, Maria's out. 357 00:14:27,781 --> 00:14:29,478 Oh, so now you're outing her? 358 00:14:29,503 --> 00:14:31,036 Now you're outing them! 359 00:14:32,457 --> 00:14:34,525 Okay, me is calling this meeting. 360 00:14:34,715 --> 00:14:38,083 By tomorrow, please narrow these 43 candidates down to six. 361 00:14:38,108 --> 00:14:41,476 So we're only going to meet with 13.95% of the candidates? 362 00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:43,978 I lied before. 363 00:14:44,003 --> 00:14:45,502 I'm actually incredible at math. 364 00:14:52,564 --> 00:14:53,876 This is so exciting! 365 00:14:53,901 --> 00:14:55,401 My first real feature! 366 00:14:55,843 --> 00:14:56,720 But I'm a little worried 367 00:14:56,745 --> 00:14:58,645 we might not get all the shots we need. 368 00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:04,383 Oh, I'm sure the crime scene photographer will take plenty. 369 00:15:04,385 --> 00:15:06,818 ESTHER: Hey, that leopard's being 370 00:15:06,820 --> 00:15:08,020 a real diva. 371 00:15:08,022 --> 00:15:10,255 He won't let us duct tape a cigar to his paw. 372 00:15:10,257 --> 00:15:13,225 But we need that for the "fat cat" shot! 373 00:15:13,227 --> 00:15:14,526 Aw, next you're gonna tell me 374 00:15:14,528 --> 00:15:16,061 he doesn't want to wear the monocle. 375 00:15:16,063 --> 00:15:17,596 I know, right? 376 00:15:18,165 --> 00:15:20,499 Also, is it bad if a timber wolf 377 00:15:20,501 --> 00:15:22,845 eats a two-month supply of ADD meds? 378 00:15:24,158 --> 00:15:25,570 No, not at all. 379 00:15:25,572 --> 00:15:27,406 At least now he'll be completely focused... 380 00:15:27,681 --> 00:15:29,298 On killing us. 381 00:15:30,087 --> 00:15:31,710 This is all falling apart. 382 00:15:31,735 --> 00:15:33,220 What am I doing wrong, Jack? 383 00:15:33,245 --> 00:15:34,880 Well, I really can't answer that, 384 00:15:34,882 --> 00:15:36,381 but I can get 385 00:15:36,383 --> 00:15:39,251 some of the more adorable animals to safety. 386 00:15:39,253 --> 00:15:41,386 That includes this lemur. 387 00:15:41,388 --> 00:15:42,687 And me. 388 00:15:42,689 --> 00:15:46,158 Uh, so everyone, be still! 389 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,986 Remember, no sudden good ideas. 390 00:15:57,638 --> 00:15:59,539 What is wrong with me? 391 00:15:59,564 --> 00:16:02,065 I literally couldn't stop offending Mason and Emma. 392 00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:04,167 I'm supposed to be the millennial whisperer. 393 00:16:04,169 --> 00:16:05,134 Oh, Brooke, 394 00:16:05,136 --> 00:16:06,402 you'll always be that sad nickname 395 00:16:06,404 --> 00:16:08,705 that you gave yourself. 396 00:16:08,707 --> 00:16:10,006 Come on, 397 00:16:10,008 --> 00:16:12,141 diversity in the workplace isn't as hard as it seems. 398 00:16:12,658 --> 00:16:15,619 Then again, I'm self-employed, so I completely nailed it. 399 00:16:16,847 --> 00:16:17,814 What's wrong, Jack? 400 00:16:17,934 --> 00:16:18,900 I'm just in my head 401 00:16:18,934 --> 00:16:20,267 about what I should do about Clark. 402 00:16:20,292 --> 00:16:24,853 Jack, you tried giving praise and you tried being harsh. 403 00:16:25,423 --> 00:16:27,357 Now what do you think you should try? 404 00:16:27,915 --> 00:16:28,925 Ah! 405 00:16:28,927 --> 00:16:31,427 Double down on being harsh. 406 00:16:32,691 --> 00:16:34,292 Do I have to solve everyone's problems? 407 00:16:34,833 --> 00:16:37,447 You have to stop doubting yourself and take action. 408 00:16:37,472 --> 00:16:39,706 You have to stop being the mentor you needed 409 00:16:39,731 --> 00:16:41,381 and be the mentor Clark needs. 410 00:16:41,406 --> 00:16:42,572 And you? 411 00:16:43,660 --> 00:16:44,814 I've got no problem with you. 412 00:16:44,844 --> 00:16:45,776 You're cute as hell. 413 00:16:46,887 --> 00:16:48,254 But you're also a giant rat, 414 00:16:48,279 --> 00:16:49,745 so you all gotta get out of here. 415 00:16:57,265 --> 00:16:58,732 Sorry! 416 00:16:58,757 --> 00:17:00,823 Brooke, we've been waiting for you. 417 00:17:00,825 --> 00:17:02,725 We settled on the candidate hours ago. 418 00:17:02,727 --> 00:17:04,727 Why didn't you just do some other work? 419 00:17:04,994 --> 00:17:07,974 It honestly didn't occur to us. 420 00:17:08,626 --> 00:17:09,732 Brooke? 421 00:17:09,734 --> 00:17:10,900 Just wanted to let you know 422 00:17:10,902 --> 00:17:12,435 we went ahead and hired our new intern. 423 00:17:12,437 --> 00:17:13,469 What? 424 00:17:13,471 --> 00:17:15,305 He came very highly recommended. 425 00:17:15,307 --> 00:17:16,539 By his father, 426 00:17:16,541 --> 00:17:19,033 who's our magazine's biggest advertiser. 427 00:17:19,634 --> 00:17:21,103 Connor Worthington? 428 00:17:21,128 --> 00:17:23,757 Under interests, it says "Tom Brady" 429 00:17:23,782 --> 00:17:26,564 and "belts with little whales on them"" 430 00:17:26,985 --> 00:17:28,251 Under career objectives, 431 00:17:28,276 --> 00:17:31,711 it just says "Make America Lit Again." 432 00:17:31,736 --> 00:17:33,603 This is unacceptable! 433 00:17:33,628 --> 00:17:36,896 Diversity is, like the poster says, "yummy." 434 00:17:36,921 --> 00:17:40,142 I am sorry, but I insist the position be filled by... 435 00:17:41,697 --> 00:17:43,131 Sunitha Patel. 436 00:17:43,321 --> 00:17:46,389 I'm sure they'll be an excellent addition to our team, 437 00:17:46,414 --> 00:17:48,642 and I'm very excited to meet them. 438 00:17:49,548 --> 00:17:52,197 As long as they know how to refill toner, 439 00:17:52,222 --> 00:17:53,603 them's hired. 440 00:17:56,268 --> 00:17:57,802 Pretty woke. 441 00:17:57,835 --> 00:17:59,601 I thought so, too. 442 00:17:59,751 --> 00:18:02,485 That felt amazing! 443 00:18:02,487 --> 00:18:04,187 Sunitha Patel. 444 00:18:04,189 --> 00:18:07,259 This more than makes up for my people colonizing India! 445 00:18:07,284 --> 00:18:09,318 No, no! 446 00:18:14,205 --> 00:18:16,228 Jack, where have you been? 447 00:18:16,253 --> 00:18:18,887 Bad news: there's a wolverine in the AC duct. 448 00:18:18,912 --> 00:18:21,666 Good news: not so cold in here. 449 00:18:21,691 --> 00:18:23,126 Clark, I'm about to give you 450 00:18:23,151 --> 00:18:25,751 the most constructive criticism of your life. 451 00:18:26,077 --> 00:18:27,822 Philip, have a lemur. 452 00:18:27,847 --> 00:18:30,214 It's his mating season, so cover your ear holes. 453 00:18:31,932 --> 00:18:33,833 Look. 454 00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:37,455 To call this situation a dumpster fire 455 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,347 would be an insult to flaming piles of trash. 456 00:18:40,635 --> 00:18:41,556 I knew it. 457 00:18:41,581 --> 00:18:44,214 I just wanted to be a great journalist, but I suck. 458 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,360 You don't suck at journalism. 459 00:18:46,464 --> 00:18:48,931 You just suck at knowing what your actual talents are 460 00:18:48,933 --> 00:18:50,533 because you've been overly praised, 461 00:18:50,535 --> 00:18:52,902 under criticized, and excessively "mom" -ed. 462 00:18:52,904 --> 00:18:54,611 Hot "mom" -ed. 463 00:18:55,807 --> 00:18:57,640 You're on to something, Jack. 464 00:18:57,642 --> 00:18:59,876 Just saying I'm a great writer 465 00:18:59,878 --> 00:19:02,979 or a pageant prince or six-foot-two 466 00:19:02,981 --> 00:19:04,353 doesn't make it true. 467 00:19:04,378 --> 00:19:07,146 I need a boss like you to help me be the real me: 468 00:19:07,171 --> 00:19:10,072 a normal, regular, six-foot guy. 469 00:19:11,422 --> 00:19:13,589 I'm shorter than six feet?! 470 00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:17,269 We'll cover height another day. 471 00:19:18,150 --> 00:19:19,996 You think there's any way to save this feature? 472 00:19:19,998 --> 00:19:21,564 No way in hell. 473 00:19:21,566 --> 00:19:24,500 But what you can do is pay for this disaster 474 00:19:24,502 --> 00:19:26,969 by turning it into revenue-generating clickbait. 475 00:19:26,971 --> 00:19:28,704 Then, assuming we live through this, 476 00:19:29,104 --> 00:19:31,666 we'll start talking about your first feature. 477 00:19:32,710 --> 00:19:34,077 Hey. 478 00:19:34,243 --> 00:19:36,489 So I was accidentally hooking up with one of the handlers, 479 00:19:36,514 --> 00:19:39,228 and it appears that his boa constrictor has escaped. 480 00:19:39,818 --> 00:19:42,618 That is both real and a euphemism. 481 00:19:55,963 --> 00:19:58,056 Yo, I'm an old, 482 00:19:58,081 --> 00:20:00,715 which means I still pay money for my email address. 483 00:20:01,861 --> 00:20:03,095 And yes, that smell 484 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:06,400 is the tuna fish sandwich I packed for lunch. 485 00:20:06,841 --> 00:20:09,001 Today, we're gonna teach you 486 00:20:09,026 --> 00:20:10,676 how to put up with us. 487 00:20:10,678 --> 00:20:12,678 Like when it comes to technology, 488 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,248 you should... wait for the D.R.O.P.! 489 00:20:15,250 --> 00:20:17,736 ANNOUNCER: Don't Rush Old People!