WWW.MY-SUBS.COM ﻿1
Hey, man. How are you?
Thank you. Let's do this.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Adam Devine!
Hey, how's everybody doing?
Thank you, thank you!
Thank you!
All right.
Yeah!
Thank you guys so much. Take a seat. Thank you, thank you.
Oh, my, you guys got me jacked.
I'm fully juiced for this thing.
Man, I am, I'm so excited to be here.
Thank you guys for having me. I'm gonna have a blast tonight.
We all are.
I'm so excited to be...
I can't get that excited, though, 'cause I'm an adult man now.
You know, you can't get that excited.
They will lock you up.
You can't get little-kid-level, like, geeked, you know?
Remember when you were a kid and you would, like, open up a present,
and you didn't have the vocabulary to say, like, "Thank you so much, Mama."
Or however you guys talked, I don't know.
I was kind of a weirdo.
I said things like, "Yeah, Mama.
Thank you so much, Mama."
You didn't have the vocabulary to say that, so you just went like...
You cannot make that face as an adult.
They will lock your ass up.
You can't do, like, adult-ass things like take your kid to school,
drop them off, and be like, "Enjoy your lunch today.
I made it myself!
Ham and cheese!"
They will have some questions about the quality of those meats, you know?
I made that, like, little-kid-level excited face for, like, two months,
as a child, I swear to you.
My mom, uh, gave me a super bouncy ball for my birthday.
You guys didn't have poor parents? That's cool. Uh...
She gave me this bouncy ball, right?
And for like two months straight, I was just in my driveway like...
Snatched it in midair.
That's a phrase you only use in your youth.
"Midair."
Nothing is midair as an adult.
Everything as a child is like, "I caught it midair, Mom.
It was soaring through the abyss, and I snatched midair.
Midair, Mom, midair, midair, midair."
My mom's like, "Jesus Christ."
"Of course you caught it midair, honey.
Because anything
you catch in the air...
...would technically be midair.
'Cause if you caught it on the ground,
that'd be called picking it the fuck up, you idiot, you dumb little boy."
But kids...
What's cool is that kids are still getting that level of geeked, you know,
they're still getting fully geeked, right?
Like, I was in this elevator not too long ago,
no big deal, and, uh...
Fuck stairs! Who's with me?
Stupid. Stupid.
So I'm in this elevator, and I was having a crappy day,
'cause I'm an adult, right?
So I'm wearing these boots,
and they're the shitty, asshole, adult fabric of suede.
And it was raining outside.
So I'm in this elevator, just defeated.
I'm just like, "Oh, no, not my boots!
Oh, my boots!" You know?
I wasn't verbalizing that, I'm not an idiot.
I'm not in an elevator alone going, "Boots!"
"No! Not my boots!" But I was thinking it, right?
And... And so these kids come in,
and they're, like, 13, 14...
That's a weird age, right?
Can we all agree that that is the worst age
in the human existence?
Because we're like mutants at that age.
You go from being, like, "Look at this cute little kid,"
to having an 18-month period
where you're just a human Transformer, where you're like...
Ping, ping, ping!
It's confusing, right?
It's weird for girls, obviously.
Obviously, you know?
But it's also weird for dudes.
Remember how weird, like, eighth grade was?
That was a confusing time, right?
Remember as a guy, your voice would change
suddenly just overnight, like, one day you're like...
"Wanna go play some kickball?"
And then the very next day, you're like,
"Fuck kickball, motherfucker!"
"I'm trying to get laid.
Pass the Hennessy.
"Daddy's trying to..." You guys...
You guys remember middle school, right?
Another...
Another weird thing about being a 13, 14-year-old, for... as a guy,
is like, a lot of people don't realize this,
but if you have a 13 or 14-year-old in your life,
there is a 100% chance
that their dick is hard 100% of the time.
Constantly.
And it's not always sexual, you know?
Sometimes, yeah, it is, you know.
But not always.
I remember one time, like, a gust of wind hit me just right.
Just a sexy, sexy gust, just...
Just someone slammed a car door.
It was the month of August.
I remember the heat coming off that car door. Just the...
Just hit the nape of my neck just right. Just...
And I was like...
That was confusing, you know?
I don't know about you pervs, but I didn't have sex at 13 or 14.
Or 15 or 16 or 17 or most of 18, you know?
I'm a late bloomer.
So suddenly, I just got an erection from the wind.
That's a confusing moment in a young man's life.
I was like...
"Do I want to fuck the wind?"
"Am I wind-sexual? What does this mean?"
You know?
"Wind-sexual," so stupid.
That could be, like...
Everything's so weird nowadays that that could be a real thing.
Like if you saw on CNN, you're like,
"Wind-sexualism is sweeping the nation," you'd be like, "Yeah, makes sense."
How weird... It'd be so weird and confusing
to be like the dad of a 16-year-old boy right now,
'cause your son could legitimately come out to you and be like,
"Dad, can I speak with you?"
And you're like,
"You're gay.
And I'm perfectly okay with that. That's fine for me."
And he goes, "No. Mm."
"No, that's weird that you put that on me. No, I'm not gay.
But I am fully wind-sexual."
And you would have to go, like,
"Yep."
"All right, let's get the posterboard and markers out.
We gotta march about this shit."
"Between your sister wanting to piss standing up
and you wanting to fuck the wind, we gotta march every goddamn weekend!"
"I remember when I took you to soccer practice.
It's okay."
There's a ton of kids just on a bluff
just trying to fuck the wind.
Trying to catch a good gust.
"It's El Niño season. We gotta get out there!"
Stupid.
What was I talking about?
Weed, man, it's legal in California.
Oh, you guys like weed? That's cool.
Yeah, these girls, they're getting in the elevator, right?
They're coming in the elevator. They're 13, 14.
That's a weird age for girls, 'cause girls grow so quick, right?
That's why you always see a pack of girls, they'll be a bunch of little girls
and then like one girl that's, like, three and a half feet taller than them.
She's just... You know?
They always look like they're, like... grew that far
just that afternoon.
Like, they grew three and a half feet, just like, "What's happening?"
You know?
That's what was happening. She was gigantic,
one girl that was coming in the elevator,
she was, like, my size, like, 6'2 ", 6'3", you know?
You can't tell how big I am. I'm on stage, you know?
So she comes in the elevator just all gigantic,
and her friend comes in,
and she has a mouth full of braces, you know,
and she still looks like a little girl.
You can tell she's pissed her friend's more developed,
so she's like, "Get in the fucking elevator, Becky."
"Ooh, with your 'new boobs.'
Complain about your back one more time, bitch."
Meanwhile, Becky's like, "Everything hurts!"
You know?
And I'm in the elevator going, "Not my boots!" You know?
But they were having the best time. The one little girl's telling a story.
She was like, "Oh, my God!"
"Oh,
my
God!"
And her friend's losing her mind, her friend's like...
And I'm like, "Oh, shit.
The youths are about to teach me something.
This is gonna turn my whole shitty, adult-ass day right around."
And she goes, "We were running...
We were running..."
And I'm like, "Yeah? And then what happened?"
And she goes, "We were running."
I'm like, "You said that, bitch, what's up?"
And she goes, "And there was that puddle..."
That was it, that was the end of her story.
Her friend lost her fucking mind. Her friend was like...
And I'm like, "Oh, shit,
that right there is the difference between being an adult
and being a child.
Because as an adult,
that story fucking sucked."
That was a dog shit story.
But as a child, that might have been elite-level storytelling for that crew.
'Cause she wasrunning. There was that puddle.
Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha.
Quite the epic adventure.
I was also running. There was also that puddle.
It ruined my fucking boots.
And it got me thinking, like, "Man.
It's so hard to have that level of a good time."
Like you guys tomorrow are going to go to work,
and your friends are like, "How was the show?"
You're not gonna go like...
No one at home is gonna be like,
"Yeah, you know what..." Your spouse or whoever comes in the room,
and it's like, "How was his stand-up special?" And you're like...
It just won't happen.
Like, we're adults, we've seen some shit.
Some weird stuff'll have to go down
in order for us to lose our minds like that.
Right? A ton of hot chicks would have to come running in with pistols drawn,
like, "Freeze!" And we're all like...
And they go, "Just kidding.
We're going to suck your dicks."
And we're all like...
Stupid.
Seeing some women's faces over here,
like, "That's not the best time of my life.
That actually sounds like a fucking nightmare."
Admittedly, that is a more dude-centric best time...
of your life.
That'd be pretty depressing, if you're female, that's where you peak.
That's your best time of your life?
You're, like, on your deathbed talking to your kid.
Your kid's like, "Mom,
like, when was the best time of your life?"
You have a shitty kid. "Mom..."
"You're dying, I guess? I dunno.
Like, when was the best time of your life?"
And you're all old and shit, so you're like, "Well..."
Why is that, you hit, like, 85 years old,
no muscle control your mouth anymore, you're like...
"Sorry about this."
"I got... I got it.
Well, I was at a comedy show.
The little one from Workaholics and Pitch Perfect was onstage."
"And other movies and TV shows, but I don't want to go down the list.
Halfway through the little guy's set, a ton of hot chicks came running in,
with pistols drawn,
and started blowing your dad!"
"Best time of my life!"
Your kid'll be like, "I'm pulling the plug. That's just depressing.
We didn't march for that shit, Mom."
Stupid.
The best would be watching every dude in here who's on a date
act like they're not having the best time of their life.
Be like, "Ah! What, babe? She's got a gun!"
"We must listen to the assailants.
Ah, no! Not the whole thing! What?"
"This is torture. No, no! Anything but the balls!
Aah! No, don't put a finger in..."
Stupid.
That would be the conversation on the car ride home, too.
It wouldn't be like, "Oh, my God.
We were just held up at gunpoint.
That was insane. I saw my life flash before my eyes."
It wouldn't be that at all. It'd be like, "Don't put a finger in your ass?"
"What the fuck, Chad?"
Chad would be like, "What, babe, I saved your life."
"I'm a hero, babe.
I'd do it again. I don't care.
I would do it again."
He's walking like that 'cause of the finger, you know.
That's how stupid guys are, too, like,
if it was Victoria Secret models that ran in here with guns,
every dude in here would be like, "Let's hear 'em out."
"Possible blowjob situation might unfold."
Not me. I'm running. I'm a bitch.
I know that about myself.
I was recently in a bar fight.
I was in a bar, and...
I'm not gonna lie to you guys.
We have a rapport.
I was in a bar, and a fight broke out. Man...
I ran away so quickly.
Like, aerodynamically fast.
Like, head down, arms back, like...
"Gotta get away!"
It sucks, 'cause I get recognized, you know?
I can't run away like a bitch anymore, like the good old days.
I don't want to be a meme the next day that just says, "Adam Devine, bitch made."
You can't run away from fights like you used to.
Used to be able to get out of there.
Now everyone has a phone connected to the internet on it. Right?
Next time you're at a bar and a fight breaks out, watch,
there's gonna be five dudes
who are gonna act like they're gonna join the fight and absolutely won't.
Like, a fight breaks out, and they're like, "Oh, shit."
Throwing kicks and punches from 35 feet away.
"I don't know how none of those landed."
How come people that are about to start a fight
suddenly lose their sense of hearing?
You noticed this phenomenon? "What'd you say?"
"What the fuck d'you say?
What'd you say? I can't hear you. What'd you say?"
That'd be a good way to get out of a fight, act like you're deaf.
Nobody's gonna hit the deaf guy. You're a fucking monster.
He didn't hear you.
You're a piece of shit, you hit the deaf guy.
You're like, "Fuck this guy!"
And he's like, "I couldn't hear you!
I got a hearing aid, so I couldn't hear you!"
And you're like, "Oh, shit."
"Chad, Derek, let's roll."
"He couldn't hear our qualms."
If you beat up a deaf guy,
you definitely have two friends in your crew named Chad and Derek.
'Cause those are the two worst white guy names.
I hope there's a Chad and Derek in here right now going, "What the fuck, bro?"
"Derek, you listening to this shit?"
Derek's like, "What'd you say?"
And I'm like...
How come when someone's really loud, that's not scary or intimidating, right?
It's when they get quiet.
That's when it gets weird, right?
You're at a party, somebody bumps right into you,
you spill a drink on yourself, you're like, "Hey, man, fuck you."
And that guy goes, "No!
Fuck you!"
You're not scared. You're like, "Oh, he's obviously a crankhead.
I just won't move."
Crankheads are like T. rexes in that respect.
He'll be like, "Fuck you!"
And you're like... And he's like, "...you..."
"Must find more crank!" You know?
That's the best T. rex impression you're gonna hear tonight.
It's when they quiet, right? That's when shit gets weird.
Like, somebody bumps you, you're like, "Hey, fuck you." And that guy just goes...
"No."
"Fuck you."
You're gonna be like, "Holy shit, grab your things.
This guy's gonna shank us.
What is wrong with this man?"
Stupid.
Let's get political, guys. Global warming, where do we stand?
Yeah. Fuck the coasts, right?
Time for Omaha, Nebraska to get some beachfront property.
Who's with me?
I like how you guys all just applauded about
mass death to half the...
"Fuck it, let 'em drown." Cool, guys.
I can't wait to go vacation somewhere tropical,
like the Arctic.
Just recline on my beach chair and slightly move my Corona
to block the view of a polar bear drowning.
Relax.
Stupid.
Man, it's so good to be here, guys. Thanks for coming out.
I put a lot of thought into this special,
of what I'm gonna wear.
I went with, uh, what I wear every day, so...
Part of me wanted to wear a cape...
just at the punchline so I could do shit like...
I wanted to wear a cape so that, like, uh,
when you guys are, like... you're here and you're like,
"Man, he's wearing a cape, that's funny,
he's definitely gonna talk about the cape."
And then 20 minutes in, you're like, "I guess he's closing on the cape stuff?"
Then at the end of the show when you're driving home,
you're like, "Fuck that guy, I hate him.
He's stupid.
That was a fashion choice. I hate that man."
I actually did use to wear a cape,
which is a little embarrassing, but whatever.
There's 2,500 of us, let's get intimate.
I used to wear a cape. I was, like, deep into magic as a kid, you know?
Yeah. You know, I was 26
and deep into magic.
I was like seven years old and I was deep into magic.
I didn't know any, like, tricks or spells or whatever.
I called them "ta-dahs?" 'cause I was an idiot.
I didn't know any ta-dahs.
One of my big ta-dah would just be me putting earthworms on the sidewalk
and being like, "How did they get there?"
"Ta-dah!"
My friends are like, "You're covered in mud.
Obviously you dug them up.
You're horrible at this.
Just wash your hands."
My other big ta-dah would be I'd leap out of the hallway closet
and scare the shit out of my dad,
while wearing a cape.
But I did it every day.
So he, like, knew it was coming.
I'd be me at the top of the stairs going, "Papa..."
I was a weird kid, remember?
"Papa, I've fallen at the base of the stairs again.
Right next to the hallway closet. Ah, help me."
And he's like, "Jesus Christ."
"She shouldn't have drank when she had him."
"We didn't know, it was the '80s, you know?"
I'm hiding in the closet, he'd come around,
he's like, "Where are you?"
It'd just be me leaping out of the closet, like, poof,
"Ta-dah!"
You know.
'Cause I was a fat kid.
That was a lot of exertion for me. "Ta-dah!"
That was right around the time that my dad told me that magic
was for the gays.
Yeah, kind of a bigoted thing to say, right, guys?
Oh, really? You guys don't have bigoted dads here?
Hmm!
Not buying it.
My dad heard me say that, he was like, "I'm not a bigot."
I'm like,
"Hm. Little bit, little bit you are."
"Just a little bit." He was like, "How could I be a bigot?
I got a black friend at work."
"Black Craig."
And I go...
"Well, that is a bigoted thing to say.
I'm sure Craig doesn't like to be called 'Black Craig.'"
"Doesn't call you 'White Dennis, ' you know?
Just calls you the fucking asshole from work."
So I remember one time,
like, as an adult, I look back at my youth,
and I remember my dad being bigoted,
but as a kid, I was like... I didn't notice it, you know?
And so we're in this grocery store,
and we see this dude who, as an adult I pegged
as a pretty flamboyant gay man, right?
But as a child, I'm like, "This guy looks like he knows how to dance."
And my dad sees this same man, and he's like...
Like, butt cheeks just clenched. Like...
And I'm like, "Whatever do you mean, Papa?"
And he goes, "Jesus."
First of all, my dad is the type of dude
that thinks every gay man is, like, out to fuck him.
You know?
And you guys don't know what my dad looks like, but, uh...
They're not, you know?
Unless there into some very specific kinky shit.
They're like, "The rougher the hands, the better," you know?
Which I don't think is the case.
So my dad sees this man, he's like, "Eee! Jesus Christ!"
And he goes, "Look at this fairy over there."
Yeah. And I'm a seven-year-old boy.
Who loves magic.
I hear the word "fairy" and lose my fucking mind.
I'm like... "There's a fairy over there?"
"Where?
Sprinkle your pixie dust upon me, fairy. I want to fly."
And my dad's like, "Don't let him sprinkle the pixie dust!
Whatever you do, don't let him sprinkle the pixie dust."
'Cause he thinks it's...
...jizz, you know?
Stupid.
This is definitely a big enough crowd
that there's one person in here that read the poster wrong
and thought Adam Levine from Maroon 5 was performing...
...stand-up comedy for the first time.
I know that's gonna happen on Netflix.
Someone's gonna be sitting at home going,
"What the fuck is this?"
"He looks horrible."
"Did he gain 40 pounds and lose 11 inches? He is atrocious looking."
But I'm assuming some of you guys know who I am from TV and movies and stuff.
Thank you, man.
It's cool, man.
I get recognized a lot, which is pretty fun for the most part.
I get, like, free beer.
That's why my face is so squishy now.
That's one of the main things.
If I go to, like, a Sbarro's Italian Eatery...
It's one of my favorite Italian eateries.
There's always a 16-year-old kid working behind the counter, going like,
"Get the fuck out of here!"
"You can have whatever you want, bro. I will go to prison for this shit!"
I'm like, "You don't need to go to prison.
I can... Actually, yeah, you might need to serve some time. Give it to me."
Meanwhile, if I go into a Jamba Juice, they're like, "Get the fuck out of here.
You broke up with Haley on Modern Family. You're dead to us."
"Bye-bye, bitch, no immunity boost for you."
But it's weird getting recognized, 'cause no one's ever cool
when they recognize a celebrity. Everyone's always like...
"You're the guy, the guy from the thing!" You know?
And I'm... I'm no better. I ran into Will Smith at this party,
and I don't go to those parties very often, but, uh,
I was at this party, and I'm looking for cocktail shrimp.
And I'm like, "On the hunt for the cocktail shrimp.
Mmm. Gotta get me some cocktail shrimp."
And just suddenly, it was just...
Just ran into the top part of Will Smith's dick.
And, man, I was not cool at all.
In fact, I was the opposite of cool.
I was kind of racist 'cause I went,
"Morpheus!"
That's not who he is at all.
That is Laurence Fishburne, a completely different actor,
but that's how, like, geeked I was, you know?
He was like, "Yeah, man, okay."
This is an impression of anyone when they recognize me.
No one's ever that cool. Yeah, t hat's about my size. And...
This is... Everybody's always like, "Shit, is that that fucking guy?
Is that that fucking guy right there?
No, no, I'll be cool, I'll check it out."
"It's not him, he's too fat."
"That is not him. That is not that man."
It's weird getting recognized, man, it is.
The first time it happened, it was like the scariest moment of my life,
'cause I didn't expect it, you know?
Like, uh, first of all,
I didn't get recognized right away like Blake from Workaholics.
It was episode two or three, Blake got recognized
'cause he's got that amazing head of hair, you know?
Yeah, yeah, Ders got recognized 'cause he's got those bodacious man titties.
They're nice. They are nice.
My little troll ass, not one.
I'm driving past local high schools, making eye contact with kids like...
"This ring any bells?" Nothing. Nothing.
So when it finally happened, I was just like, "Yeah!"
I was next-level geeked.
and I was... It happened... I was at a stop light, you know?
Which I stop at most times.
Sometimes I don't. I'm like, "Fuck it, kill 'em all."
But this time I stopped.
And this dude comes walking past, and he's like...
He wasn't walking like this, but he was cooler for the story.
And he sees me and he just goes...
Just dead inside.
Just nothing happening behind the eyes, just like...
Like, I thought he was sent from the future to murder me.
Like, Workaholics had ruined the youth of America,
and this is the time traveler they've sent to end me.
But he wasn't a time traveler. He was a regular person, and he goes,
"Adam!"
And I didn't know what to do, you know, because... that's my name,
and so I was excited, and I didn't know what to do,
and I just did what came naturally to me,
and evidently what comes naturally to me
is the douchiest shit in the world because I went...
And then...
Double backwards peace sign? That is elite-level douche maneuver.
But then I literally said, "I'm getting recognized!"
And then started driving a motorcycle.
I'm sitting in my car and I went...
This man looked right at me and goes,
"You got a tight butthole, man."
"Your butthole is the tightest."
And he walked away, and I drove away feeling good.
Just ego boosted.
Until I realized he didn't use it in the proper context.
First of all, I'm seeing some Pitch Perfect fans in here
that are looking at me like, "Why is..."
Yeah.
"Why is he screaming about buttholes?" Well, let me explain.
On my show Workaholics, which we did for seven seasons on Comedy Central...
Thank you. Uh-oh. Went fishing for a compliment, caught one.
And so on my show,
when something is good or cool, it is...
- Tight butthole. - Tight butthole.
And when it's not cool or good it is...
- Loose butthole. - ...loose butthole.
I feel like a deranged 4th grade teacher.
Very good, class. Four gold buttholes.
Chad, Derek, you got that one right.
"I know my buttholes."
Really boils down to I'm a nine-year-old who wrote his own TV show.
I'm like, "Buttholes are funny."
"Here's the script."
"This is just sevens and question marks. We cannot use this."
"We'll improv it. Buttholes." You know.
But this guy didn't say it in the proper context, right?
He didn't say, "You're being tight butthole,"
or "You are tight butthole."
He screamed...
in a busy intersection...
"You got a tight butthole, man!"
"Your butthole is the tightest!"
And I didn't do anything to negate the fact that this man...
knows the actual size...
of my asshole.
In fact, I went...
"I'm getting recognized."
I wish I could meet someone who was in that crosswalk that day
who had just moved to Los Angeles,
called their parents that night and was like, "Holy shit."
"LA really is the most progressive city in America.
The gays are just out here screaming about butthole sizes."
Stupid.
Pitch Perfect was a weird one for me, too, man,
I swear to you, because as we've established, I'm a wee bit of a stoner.
So... Yeah, weed, cool, all right.
Yeah, weed? All right.
So I didn't fully read the body of the email, I just read the subject line.
It said "Pitch Perfect." I'm like, "Cool, baseball movie. Put me in, coach."
I showed up to this audition like a true asshole.
I was in baseball pants doing stretches in the parking lot,
practicing ground balls, just...
I walk in the audition... I swear to you, I walk in the audition.
There's all these, like, cool-ass dudes.
Hollywood is, like, a weird place,
'cause everyone's, like, the better-looking version of you.
They're looking for a type,
and you walk in and there's a bunch of Taylor Lautner-looking motherfuckers.
How come cool guys look like they had some shit thrown in their eyes?
You know, they were totally normal when they walked in for the audition.
They're like, "Hey, what's up? I'm here for the audition." Poof!
"What's up?
I'm here for the audition or whatever."
That's what was happening. There's all these hot-ass dudes, and they're singing.
They're all going...
I'm like, "Good luck singing in the baseball movie, pussy."
"I'll be over here stretching."
So I go in the audition room,
and I did the audition, and it went really well,
and they're like, "What song did you prepare?"
And at that point in my career, all I knew about Hollywood
is that "No" holds a lot of power. If you say no, you hold all the power.
So, "What song did you prepare?"
And I'm like, "I didn't prepare a song. Take it or leave it."
And they go, "Leave it. Get the fuck out of here. Go away."
And I go, "I prepared a song."
"That's one of the many pranks I'll be playing
on the set of Pitch Perfect, the singing movie."
They're like, "So what song do you know that's just on the radio
so we know you can carry a tune?"
And I'm like, "Yes, yes, yes, a radio hit.
A current radio hit. Sure. Yes."
And then the only song I was able to summon
was this one that was on the radio, which was...
♪ Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass Ass, ass, ass ♪
♪ Bounce ♪
♪ Motherfucker hammer time ♪
Remember that classic from eight years ago?
They were like, "Definitely not that song."
"Definitely choose another song.
Pick a song from your youth that you know a lot of the words to."
And I'm like, "Ah, shit. What song do I pick? I don't know."
The only song that I was able to grab from the deep, wrinkly parts of my back brain
was this hit, which was...
♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman, the paperboy Evening TV ♪
Which is the Full House theme song.
And that's evidently exactly what they were looking for
in the character of Bumper.
Stupid.
I've been, um...
I've been traveling all over,
preparing to do this special, so I've been doing stand-up all over.
I did a college a few weeks ago.
There's a sign language woman on the side of the stage
'cause there's a deaf guy in the crowd. I don't know what this is, but...
What if this is sign language?
What if there's one deaf guy in the crowd going, "Say it again, motherfucker!"
"You talk about my mama one more time."
So I don't know much sign language, right?
But I did learn one word,
and in case you guys are wondering the word "blowjob" in sign language...
Exactly what you think it is.
What?
I felt bad. This woman was like my mom's age.
She's like a 60-year-old woman. She's like...
I felt bad, man,
but not bad enough not to add that word to my act 85 times.
Didn't even make any sense. I was just screaming it. I was like,
"Blowjob! Blowjob! Blowjob!"
I'm like, "It's a carousel of blowjobs."
She's like, "What does that even mean?"
I'm like, "Why're you tickling the balls, Carol?"
"That's not part of the sign.
What you doing after this, Carol?
What's good, girl?"
This is a good-looking crowd, guys.
Not all of you. Not all of you.
There's some uggos out there.
All right, man, some days I look so ugly.
Ever wake up and you're just like, "Did I drink acid last night? What happened?"
And I've got a squishy, gummy face.
I'm gonna look hideous when I'm older.
Like, I'm gonna look like a human Saint Bernard. Just like...
Just the droopy of skin.
So, like, I was having one of those days a few weeks ago,
and I walked past this window to get food with my friends,
and I catch my reflection in this window, and I look at myself and I go,
"You know what? You look like garbage.
Time to give yourself a little ego boost."
So I looked at myself and go, "I would
fuck that dude!"
And I walked away feeling good, ego boosted, until I realized,
I felt good about that exchange.
The guy working at that Wells Fargo...
...felt pretty weird about that.
This little troll motherfucker from Pitch Perfect waddles up to his window.
"I would fuck that dude!"
I hope it boosted his ego.
I hope he's like, "Yeah.
You hear that, Sharon?
He would fuck this dude.
I know, I know. Not at work. Time's up, I get it."
I have a girlfriend now. That's a big thing in my life, guys.
Yeah.
It's been four years, but, you know.
I'm admitting it publicly now!
Man, I hope we don't break up.
Yeah.
Like, guys have a hard time admitting that shit publicly.
Girls will do it right away.
You'll be on like the third date and they're like, "This my man.
Back away, bitch, get the fuck away, bitch. This is my man."
Guys'll be like a year and a half in and be like, "Oh, yeah. I know her."
"Yeah, no. Yes. I've seen her around.
She's got that hair, right? Yeah."
Yeah.
Then your friend calls you out. "Aren't you living with her?"
And you're like, "That's where I've seen her around. Yeah.
That's right.
The living room area. Correct.
She does have that hair, though. That is true."
I... I... I will never break up with her, ever.
Not that we won't break up.
I'm assuming she'll break up with me, you know.
And that's what I want.
I will never break up with a girl again, ever, never, never, ever.
because if you've dated a girl for more than six months,
all she's doing is collecting horrific data on you,
to crush you,
just decimate you if you ever break her heart.
I broke up with this girl once and I had to be cold with it, you know?
I was like, "Hey, this is going nowhere. Just be cold, be strong, Adam."
So I'm like, "Hey, you know what?
We're done.
I'm sorry, but it has to end now. I think we should see other people."
And without missing a beat,
without missing one second, she goes,
"You're getting fat, you're going bald, and your dick is whatever."
Yeah!
Those are the three things I care about in my life.
Going bald, getting fat, and my dick being whatever?
Whatever dick?
So I looked right at her and go, "I am not..."
"...going bald."
Those other things are debatable. I'll admit that.
I had a girlfriend cheat on me once. Anybody have that?
Yeah, 2,000 people here, no one? Cool.
You guys are like, "It might be your whatever dick. Think about that, maybe?
Maybe that had something to do with it?"
I cried in front of her. Oh, that is the most emasculating thing you could do.
I... Why are you laughing?
Some mean bitch back there, like...
"We've caught another!"
I cried in front of her.
That's the most emasculating thing you can have happen to you.
I didn't allow her to see it, though, using the power of gravity.
She was like, "I slept with someone else." I'm like, "What's that?"
"What do you mean, you slept with someone else?
Explain yourself."
Just trying to wiggle the tears back in my tear ducts.
How I found out is I walked into the room, and she was crying.
That's a bitch move.
You don't get to fuck someone else and keep all the boo-hoos.
All boo-hoos are mine in this scenario.
I walk in the room, she's like... "Mm-mm-mm...
Mm-mm, no.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
No."
You don't know her, but this is a really good impression that I'm doing.
"No. Mm-mm. Mm-mm."
I'm like, "What happened? Did one of the Pretty Little Liars die?
You love that show.
And she's like...
"Fine, fuck it."
"I slept with Kevin."
And I'm an idiot, so I'm like, "What do you mean, you slept with Kevin?
You slept near him when you guys went on that trip...
business trip together?"
And she's like, "No, you fucking idiot, I fucked Kevin."
And I'm like, "Aah!" 'Cause I know Kevin.
Kevin's nickname?
Sweaty Kevin.
That's not the guy you want to fuck your girl.
You don't want a guy with a nickname that starts with "Sweaty."
You don't want Sweaty Kevin fucking her, you want Handsome Chris.
Hemsworth.
If she fucked Chris Hemsworth, I would've proposed right then.
"This shit's real. Okay."
I would've told everyone for the rest of my life.
I'd be like, "She fucked Chris Hemsworth.
Now she's fucking me!"
I would've told our kids. I would've been like, "Your mom fucked Chris Hemsworth.
Now she's fucking me!"
And our kids would be like, "We know, Dad.
We're 6'4 " and blond."
"You're delusional, mate. We're Australian. What the fuck?"
Stupid.
I'm glad I have a girlfriend,
mostly 'cause I can watch Netflix with someone,
and not catch an STD. That's it.
Right? Like, being able to watch Ozark with someone
and not have an itchy crotch.
That's the one-two punch
of being in a relationship.
STDs are terrifying, right?
You guys disagree? That's cool.
You guys are like, "There's some good ointments now,
you can take care of most things."
STDs are scary, right?
Not so much the S and the T, really.
Mostly the D. That's the scary shit, right?
Disease. Uh-uh.
"Sexually transmitted" just sounds like
some cool electronic band from Germany
playing on the third stage of Coachella at 5:00 a.m.,
- with some weird bangs, who's like... - "Hello...
Ve are Sexually Transmitted."
"Ja!
Super.
Nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein, nein!"
You're like, "These guys are good. They're from Germany!"
"Can't wait for song number ten!"
Disease, that's the scary shit, right?
I think the best STD to have...
Um...
...would be the one I have. Know what I'm saying?
No, Adam, ew. Ew! No.
I think the best STD to have, hear me out, would be crabs...
'Cause they sound delicious, right?
"I've got crabs." Well, I have butter. Let's have a feast!
Wait, that's pubic lice? Never mind.
I'll leave the butter at home.
You know what? I'm bringing the butter. Let's party tonight. Why not?
Stupid.
Why is it whenever you're at a party,
whoever says they're cool to drive is always the least coolest person to drive?
Without fail.
Like, if you drove somewhere, you should be able to drive home, right?
It's like saying, like, "I can tie my shoes."
If you come in a room and say, "I can tie my shoes,"
everyone's like, "Get this motherfucker some Velcro.
He cannot handle the bunny ear situation on his tippy-toes." You know?
It's always that person that passed out early at the party.
If you took a nap at the party, you're not driving anywhere.
There's no naps allowed at the party.
It's always on that decorative pillow your grandma gave you,
with, like, the zippers and buttons.
So when he wakes up, he looks like he got in a fucking knife fight in the 4th grade.
He's like...
Comes in the room, you're like... "Where're you going?"
"Where you going?"
Does that thing every drunk person does
when they open their eyes way too wide to seem not drunk,
but then they look like a serial killer. Where they're like...
"Where you going?
I'm cool to drive."
You're like, "No, you're not, Chad."
"I just saw you shadow boxing in the corner for 20 minutes.
You just pissed in my laundry basket."
Keep saying things that don't make any sense.
"The bitch took my Skittles.
The sour ones! I love the sour ones!"
And you're like, "I won't let you drive, man.
I'm a good friend. I won't do that to you."
And then he's like, "But we're going to Taco Bell."
And you're like, "Let's go!"
Why is that?
Why is that, like, the only food in American society
that we're willing to die for?
There's no other food.
If it's 3:00 a.m. and everyone's wasted, and your friend's like,
"Let's go get some chicken parm!"
You're like, "Shut the fuck up, Larry."
"I'm not gonna go eat chicken parmesan right now, you monster.
No chicken parm right now, we're wasted."
But if he's like, "Beef and Bean Chalupa!"
You're like, "Slit my wrist right now. I will die for this shit.
Cheesy Gordita Crunch? Give me the noose!"
I enjoy a party, guys, as you can tell by my extra neck fat.
I do, man.
It was just my birthday a few days ago, guys.
Yeah.
Yeah, I just turned 35 years old.
Yeah, okay.
Give it up for your mid-thirties, I guess.
It's a shitty age. 'Cause I still party,
but I'm friends with my friends from high school, who have real jobs.
They have kids and mortgages and real lives,
and I'm like, "Hey, what are we doing for my birthday?"
And they're like, "Your mid-week 35th-year-old birthday?
Absolutely nothing, you Peter Pan motherfucker.
We're not doing anything for your birthday.
It's Dalton's soccer practice...
the next morning."
I'm happy too, man, because my friends used to try to murder me on my birthdays.
Twenty-one was the scariest day of my life.
I feel like girls are nicer their friends on their birthdays.
They're like, "Fuck it, bitch, let's do you, spa day, ah!"
Not guys. Guys are like, "Are you ready to die tonight?
You better call Mom and Dad, 'cause we're taking you straight to Hell." You know?
My friends tried to murder me.
They're like, "21 shots, 21 minutes. Let's do this."
I'm like, "Oh, that sounds dangerous."
"But okay."
It's always the grossest shots you ever want to take.
It's never anything you enjoy drinking.
So it's like, "Dude, it's Cum in a Bathtub. Take it."
"It's a Gorilla Ass Fart.
Take it, take it."
"This is just homeless piss in Tabasco sauce.
We call it the Spicy Leon.
Take it, take it."
Half hour later,
I was curled in the fetal position, asking God for forgiveness.
That's when my friends decided to get me laid, too,
which sounds like a good idea in theory.
But my friends, I feel like most guys' friends, secretly fucking hate me.
So they got the biggest monster-truck, behemoth-Clydesdale
mountain lady they could find,
one with a mole with hair coming out of it that follows you around the room
like Jesus' eye in the painting in the spare room at Grandma's house,
so you can't masturbate 'cause Jesus is staring at you.
Know that painting?
She put it up on purpose. She's like, "Not in my house."
Like, "Finally, some alone time," and Jesus is like...
They bring her to me.
They're like, "Hey, Adam, this is Denise.
But we like to call her... ...Diesel.
She plays linebacker for the Rams. Enjoy."
And I did.
My friends are stupid, too. My friends always ask me dumb questions.
My one buddy comes up to me and he's like, "Bro, bro.
Seriously, would you
suck a dick for a million dollars?"
And I'm like, "Hmm...
Why, do you know someone?"
A million dollars?
That's such an insane question.
First of all, 80% of everyone in here would be driving a Maserati the next day.
Like, "What, this? No, there's a deal at the dealership. Check it out."
I mean, what a dumb question to ask.
It's not like there's some gay, eccentric billionaire out there
with a cauldron of money.
Just some creepy billionaire with just this cauldron who's like, "Suck my dick!
Suck my dick. Gather around boys, and tinier boys...
to suck my dick."
There's a line a mile long of straight dudes, like, "Fuck it."
"Gotta pay off the student loans," you know?
Chad's definitely calling Derek, like, "You hear about this shit?"
"What'd you say?"
And he's like, "The blowjob thing."
And he's like, "I'm wind-sexual. I'm off that."
Stupid.
I want to be rich. I'm a little rich.
Thank you guys for coming. Thank you for watching.
I'm not like super rich, though. I wanna be super rich.
I'm the type of rich that I can, like walk into a Chipotle...
like, any burrito shop and then order extra chicken.
And then when they say, "That'll be two more dollars,"
I'm like, "I don't give a fuck!"
I'm like, "Extra chicken for everyone in this bitch!"
And they're like, "That'll be $64."
I'm like, "Extra chicken just for me!"
That's my level.
I was actually able to do something cool with my money recently.
When I was 18 years old, I wrote my parents a check for a million dollars,
and then in the memo I wrote, "Cash it when you can."
Then this past Christmas I was actually able to go home and take that check
and fucking destroy it, you know?
'Cause now I'm greedy. I got a little taste.
'Cause I want to be, like, really rich.
I want to be the type of rich I can have, like, real fun with my money.
Right? Like to be able to go into a police station, say, "Hey, cops,"
take a shit on the floor, then leave.
Just dropping wads of hundreds on the way out.
They're like, "I would arrest him, but this is too lucrative.
I got bills to pay."
I wanna be so rich that I can, like, line my pockets with jewels,
diamonds, rubies, emeralds alike.
When a homeless person asks me for change, I say, "How about I change...
your life!"
Stupid.
You guys are good laughers. I appreciate it.
Thank you for laughing.
I'm always fearful that there's one prankster in the crowd,
that when you guys were coming in, went up to everyone like,
"Hey, let's just not laugh the whole time."
"Let's fuck with him, right?"
You're good laughers. Thank you.
I hate when people, uh, like, laugh when they don't mean it,
'cause we can always tell.
Like, they think I need a little help, and they're like...
"Mm-mm. Not for me.
This butthole stuff's disgusting. Mm-mm.
Not for me. Not for me."
Laugh if you think it's funny. Don't if you don't. That's how it works.
My least favorite thing is when a person finds it funny, doesn't laugh,
comments on the laughter. They say something like,
"That's funny."
"That is funny."
Really? Then laugh, you piece of shit.
Laughter's an uncontrollable thing, like screaming from pain.
You don't get in a car accident, come out missing your arm and be like...
"Shucks, this hurts."
"Shenanigans, I'm gonna have to get this checked out."
No, they're like, "Aah! My fucking arm is missing!
I'm missing my fucking arm!" Blood, blood, tears, angst.
This is what angst looks like, by the way.
Spirit fingers.
Cheerleaders are always in angst.
"The car wash didn't make any money."
"Billy didn't talk to me.
I'm not gonna eat today."
Hurkey!
If you had no arms, would you wave like this?
"I'm over here.
Come this direction.
Come this way.
Chad! Derek!"
I want to stop doing that joke.
"If you had no arms, would you wave like this?" 'cause it's...
you know, it's really stupid,
but I can't 'cause I did a while ago at this theater,
Madison Square Garden, heard of it?
No, it was a Chinese restaurant, but a nice one, you know?
And it was like this, where, like,
it was a theater, and I couldn't see the people in the background, you know,
and at the punchline, where you guys laughed,
'cause we're having the best time of our lives tonight, right, guys?
Hit it, girls.
No, not you guys.
I hired some women with guns to come in and blow everybody, but...
Hard to find good help here evidently, but...
At the punchline where you guys laughed,
nobody laughed,
and instead of laughing, one person goes...
Took a breath...
...ooo!
You know how much hate that is to go back for a second "Oo"?
That is just unbridled hate,
you know, have you ever second-booed your entire life? Never.
So, you know, as a veteran comedian I was like...
I ignored him, you know, 'cause I'm tiny.
And I get out to the lobby area afterwards, probably...
signing titties or whatever, and, uh...
No, no.
Keep your titties in. You took too long.
I get out to the lobby area and there's this dude there...
No arms.
Right? How do you think I felt?
It was goose-egg on the arm front.
And he comes up to me like, "Hey, man."
Actually, he was like, "Hey, man."
"I was really offended by what you said up there." And I'm like...
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
But now that I've got you here...
how do you wave?"
I don't know how he waved. That guy punched with his feet, I'll say that.
I know a good way to get out of a fight. You guys can use this.
Next time you're about to get in a fight, just be a little masochistic
and a little erotic, and you'll pull it off.
You gotta be able to take one punch, okay? So you take the punch.
And then you go...
Mm. Hit me again, big daddy.
Oh, that hurts so good.
Hit me in my no-no zones.
That dude'll be like...
"Chad, Derek, get out of here."
"I'm gonna fuck this dude."
That's it from me. Thank you guys so much.
You guys have been amazing.
Thank you, guys.
Cape me up, baby!
This is so stupid. Thank you guys so much!
You guys really have been amazing!
I love this place with all my heart!
I love all you guys for coming out. Thank you. I love you. Goodnight!