Neighbors?
I have an announcement for you.
I have never seen such a collection
of dirty windows.
Now, I wanna see all of you out there on the fire escapes
with your Mr. Clean bottles, and let's snap it up!
Murray, do you have to shout like that every morning?
-Clears my head. -Say, Murray,
were you planning maybe today to look for a job?
-To what? -Look for a job, Murray.
Shh, Murray.
Murray, what'd you get me down here for?
-I mean, I--I just-- -Nick, what time is it?
Well, it's about 7:20, but, Murray, now I have to--
Shh!
Shh.
Nick, in a moment, you're going to see
a horrible thing.
What's that?
People going to work.
Gee, Murray, I hope it's not gonna be a long visit
with the junkman today, I have something
I have to discuss with you.
Junkman? Peruccio here is a dealer
in obsolete structures.
Uhh, you still getting a buck for this?
Half a buck.
Peruccio...
-Two bits? -Deal.
Oh, Murray, not another eagle.
Nick.
You can't have too many eagles.
Hey, wait a minute.
Why did you follow me down here, why aren't you in school today?
Well, it's a holiday.
Yeah, it's Irving R. Feldman's birthday, like you said.
No, Irving R. Feldman's birthday
is my own personal national holiday.
I did not open it up for the public.
He is proprietor of perhaps the most distinguished
kosher delicatessen in our neighborhood,
and, as such, I hold the day of his birth in reverence.
Well, you said you weren't gonna look for work today,
‘cause it was Irving R. Feldman's birthday,
so, I figured I'd celebrate too a little.
Ah, don't kid me, Nick.
I thought you liked that damn genius school.
Oh, I figured I'd better stick with you today,
something I gotta discuss.
See, uhh...
because it's this special school for big brains,
they watch you and take notes and make reports,
and they smile at you a lot--Murray?
Murray, they're very nervous there.
And there was this composition I wrote in creative writing
about the advantages of unemployment insurance.
Why did you write about that?
It's on my mind.
And once they got my record out, they started to notice
what they call "significant data."
Turns out they've been keeping this file on me for a long time.
Checking with that Child Welfare place,
same place you got those letters from.
I never answer letters from large organizations.
Well, anyway, when they come over there,
I just thought we could--
Wait a minute, when who comes over where?
Our apartment.
This Child Welfare crowd, they wanna take a look
at our environment there.
Nick, why didn't you tell me about this before?
Well, you know, the past couple of nights
we couldn't get together.
That was unavoidable, you know when I have a lot of work,
you stay up at Mrs. Meyer's.
Murray, your work forgot her gloves last night.
Well, anyway, for these Child Welfare guys,
I figure we better set up some kind of a story this morning
-before they get there. -You know, you make it sound
like a vice raid.
Well, I mean, for one thing, Murray, you don't even
-have a job right now. -Hey.
Have you ever been to the top of the Empire State Building?
Four times with you in November.
Oh, really?
Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty?
-No, Murray, I-- -Today is Irving R. Feldman's
birthday, we shall go to the top of the Statue of Liberty,
and watch the Queen Elizabeth come in
full of all those tired, poor, huddled masses
yearning to breathe free.
Murray, will you listen to me, we have to--
Murray, couldn't I just read you from The Times again,
like last week, hm?
Oh, okay, read me from the paper.
Hey, Murray, this paper is three days old.
So, what do you want me to do, bury it?
Is it starting to rot or something--come on,
read me from the paper.
Yeah, but most of these jobs, somebody must've taken 'em.
-I'll go get a newer paper. -No, we do not need
a newer paper--all the really important jobs stay forever.
Now, start on the first page of help wanted, male,
and read me from the paper.
Okay.
"Exec assist, ex oppty,
$90 to top sell."
What's that?
"Executive assistant, excellent opportunity."
Nothing. Keep reading.
Hey, here's a perfect one.
It says, "Writer wanted.
Writer-editor, industrial periodicals,
to write handbooks, reports, and promotion
on electronic equipment."
What you got there, kid, the want ads or the obituaries?
Ha-ha, okay, kid,
read me some more want ads.
You know, Murray, you don't want a job is the whole thing.
Would you just concentrate on being a child,
because I find your imitation of an adult
hopelessly inadequate.
Well, you wanna be your own boss, Murray,
but the trouble with that is you don't pay yourself anything.
You're not paying yourself anything--
hey, that's a good line, I gotta remember that.
You ever consider being the first
12-year-old boy in space?
Murray, I am upset.
Now, for me as an actual child, the way you live in this house
and we live is a dangerous thing for my later life
when I become an actual person.
Now, an unemployed person like you are for so many months
is bad for you as the person involved,
and it's definitely bad for me,
who he lives with in the same house
where the rent isn't paid up for months sometimes,
and I wish you'd get a job, Murray.
Please.
You're absolutely right.
What's wrong, Murray?
I don't know, Nick.
Murray, are you all right?
Hey!
I enjoyed the Statue of Liberty a lot.
Yeah, it was great, I'm glad we went.
Hey, it is a great view, isn't it?
Yeah.
Otto, Otto.
We have reached at last the mainland,
and we must now get the rocket plans from agent X22.
Shh, but, you fool, he is being observed.
It is essential we are not observed.
Hey, if you're really secret spy X12--
-I wouldn't tell you. -And why not?
Because it's a secret, you fool.
Hey, spy, listen, I’ll tell you something.
You know those poison capsules they give us to take
-when we get captured? -Yeah.
Well, they got a new way of giving them to us now, Otto.
-What's that? -They're putting ‘em
in the Cracker Jacks.
That's--that's crazy,
that's a silly thing, what you said.
How silly, how silly how such a silly thing.
They are putting them in the--
What is that?
It's ridiculous.
Let them put the prize in the package!
But this is...
Excuse me, are you Mr. Burns?
Only for a couple more seconds, buddy,
they poisoned my Cracker Jacks.
Yes, I see.
You are Murray N. Burns?
Oh, excuse me, how are ya?
-How do you do, Mr. Burns? -Mm.
I am Mr. Amundson,
and this is Miss Markowitz.
Miss Markowitz and I are a Social Service unit
from the Child Welfare Board.
We have been asked by the bureau to--
Oh, and this must be young Nicholas.
-Hello. -Mr. Burns, we--
Miss Markowitz and I have been asked by the BCW
to investigate and examine certain pupils
of the Revere School.
There is a--may we
-see you for a moment? -Oh, certainly.
There is certain information, which the school and the city
would like to have of--
-regarding young Nicholas. -Uh, here, won't you sit down?
I'll just get rid of these things.
I—I’d like to explain
just why we're here, Mr. Burns.
Well, say, would anybody like some coffee?
Oh, well, thank you, Nicholas-- Miss Markowitz?
Yes, thank you.
Watch it.
It might be best, Mr. Burns,
for the child, if perhaps you were to send him downstairs
to play or something while we have our discussion.
Yes, it would be more advisable, Mr. Burns,
if the child were not present,
since Miss Markowitz, who will be discussing
the psychological area--
that is, we will be discussing certain matters--
You gonna talk dirty?
I appreciate the, uh, informality
with which you approach this meeting, Mr. Burns.
However, due to the fact that you have chosen
not to answer our letters
and several of our phone calls--
Miss Markowitz, may I know your first name?
It's Sandra.
And you are the psychologist part of the team, Sandy?
That's right, Mr. Burns.
And you, sir, I take it, are the brawn of the outfit?
Perhaps I—I should explain, Mr. Burns,
that the Social Service teams
which serve the Revere School
are a carefully planned balance
of a social caseworker, as such as myself, and--
-Oh, thank you, Nicholas. -Miss Markowitz.
And a psychological social worker,
such as Miss Markowitz.
Or, actually, Dr. Markowitz.
Together, we form a rather--
Say, is the coffee any good?
Oh yes, very good, thank you, Nicholas.
Mm, very nice, Nicholas--
Nicholas, are you drinking coffee?
Don't you think it would be better--
No, it's milk, I like drinking from a cup.
Now, aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Mr. Burns, Mr. Amundson and I have
several cases to examine today, and we would appreciate
a certain amount of cooperation.
East Bronx, Mosholu Parkway.
And a couple of years in maybe Massachusetts.
No!
Oh oh, excuse me, Nick and I are merely testing
our sense of voice and accent.
Nick insists he is better at this than I am.
Actually, I took my graduate work with a professor,
a man with a very strong New England accent,
who could very well have influenced my speech.
Nick is quite right.
Wow, thank you, lady!
You certainly have a fine ear for sound, Nick.
Do you and your uncle play many of these
sorts of games together?
Well, yes, we play many wholesome
and constructive type games together.
Phew, you're a big phony, Nick.
This lady is here for the facts.
Quite so, Mr. Burns.
We wish also to investigate those intangibles.
-Those-- -Jersey City.
Maybe Newark, a little bit of Chicago.
Ah-ha, I think you hit it, Nick!
Well, that's really quite remarkable!
Albert--Mr. Amundson is from New Jersey, he went to
-the University of Chicago-- -Uh, Sandra, this is really
-quite beside the point. -Well, Albert, I think
it's really quite remarkable, the boy--
Suppose I just plunge right in here,
with several of the facts required--
Well, Donny Duhamel hooked these in the game
but they're not really ripe, so I figured that the cantaloupe--
I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company.
-See ya, Nick. -See ya, Uncle Arnie.
There somebody else living here with you?
No, that's just my brother, Arnold.
He brings fruit every morning on his way to the office,
he's a fruit nut.
Oh yes, I see in our files that your brother
acts as your agent.
Our research team spoke to him, I believe.
Say, you really do a lot of that stuff?
Calling people, going into my personal life?
You've refused for quite some time, Mr. Burns,
to answer any of our regular inquiries.
We understand that you have been unemployed
at this point for nearly five months.
Well, he has an excellent oppty to be an exec assist.
And that, previous to this,
you were the chief writer for the Chuckles the Chipmunk Show.
Right, Albert, for three years I wrote scripts
for Leo Herman, better known as Chuckles the Chipmunk,
friend of the young ‘uns and seller of Chuckle Chips
the potato of chips your buddy Chuckles the Chipmunk
chomps on and chuckles over.
Would you care to describe the circumstances
under which you left the employ of the--
I quit.
You felt that this was not the work for you?
No, why, I felt that I wasn't reaching all the boys and girls
out there in television land.
Actually, it was not so much I wasn't reaching
the boys and girls, but the boys and girls
were starting to reach me.
Six months ago, a perfectly adult bartender
asked me if I'd like an onion in my martini,
and I said, "Gosh and gollies, you betcha!"
Well, I knew it was time to quit.
Well, may I ask if this is a pattern?
That is, in the past, has there been much
shifting of position?
No, I always take an onion in my martini.
-This is a constant-- -Mr. Burns.
Perhaps you're not aware
of just how serious your situation is.
The circumstances of the child's environment.
-The danger of... -Our investigation,
-Mr. Burns, is the result... -... substantial development--
-and-- -...of what the bureau considers
to be almost an emergency case.
Yeah, but he just likes to kid around, lady.
Really, we've got a great environment here.
Oh, relax, kid.
Look, people, I am sorry,
let's get on with the questions.
Nick, suppose that you and I
have a little chat right here.
Oh fine, I was gonna suggest that myself.
Well, I'm sure there are times
when the fun stops,
and you have nice talks,
and your uncle teaches you things.
Oh, I can do a great Peter Lorre imitation.
-Murray taught me. -Uh, Nicky,
-what Miss Markowitz means... -You can't hang me.
-…is that you and your uncle-- -I didn't do it, I tell you.
-No, Nicky. -That's not my knife!
-That's not what we meant-- -It was all a mistake!
-Nick. -I’m innocent!
-I’m innocent! I-- -Nicholas!
That happens to be a very good imitation.
Well, perhaps, but we're trying to establish--
-Can you imitate Peter Lorre? -Well, that's pointless, I--
I can also do a pretty good James Cagney,
I mean, it's not fantastic like my Peter Lorre,
-but it's pretty good-- -Now, Nicholas, please.
Try and pay attention.
-Now, if I may proceed. -Albert.
If you'll just let me handle this area.
All right, Nick, let's talk about games, okay?
Okay.
Now,
do you have any favorite games or toys
that you'd like to show me, some plaything that's
just the most favorite one of all?
-Well, there's Bubbles. -I don't think you'd be
interested in seeing Bubbles.
See, Bubbles is what you'd call an electric statue.
It's got an electric battery timer in there
that makes it go on and off like that.
Is this your favorite toy, Nick?
Well, after a while, it gets pretty boring.
Tell me, Nick, do you like best the fact
that the chest of the lady lights up?
Well, you gotta admit, you don't see boobies like that every day.
Anybody want any toast or orange juice
or anything?
Say, would you wanna see the effect
when the lights are out?
-Or when the room is dark. -Nick.
Tell me, Nick, is that what you like best about it,
the fact that you can be alone in the dark with it?
Well, I don't know, but in the dark,
they really knock your eye out..
Perhaps don't you think we ought to turn off that...
Nick, does Bubbles,
does she in any way, does her face remind you at all
of, oh, let me see, your mother, for--
for example?
No, it's just a doll, it's not a statue of anybody I know,
I got it in a store downtown.
Her chest, is that something--
Well, it's something all right, isn't it?
When you think about your mother--
Well, I don't think about her too much.
But, when you do think about her,
do you remember her face best, or her hands, or--
Oh, oh, I remember, she has a terrific laugh.
See, it's the kinda laugh that when she laughs,
it makes you laugh too.
‘Course, she overdoes that a lot.
Well, I mean, physically, when you think of her,
do you, uh, well, when you see Bubbles there,
and Bubbles goes on and off like that--
Sandra, his mother's chest did not light up.
Mark that down in the file, Albert.
Nicky, I wonder if you'd turn those off.
-I mean, her off. -Uh, see, mainly,
I like to read books that are healthy, constructive,
and extremely educational for a person--
Uh, don't push it, Nick.
He has no unusual fixations, Sandy.
I mean, he's no more abnormally interested in your bust
than Mr. Amundson is.
Mr. Burns, it is not necessary to make that comment.
Of course, I might be wrong about that.
-Our interest in that doll is-- -Say, you really are interested
in that doll, Albert.
-Our--our interest in the doll-- -Oh well, I'd sell it to ya
for two dollars, that's 50 cents less
than I paid for it.
Sandra, I fail to see what's so amusing.
I'm sorry, Albert.
Well, it was just funny.
Suppose I pursue, then, the psychological part
-of this examination. -Really, Albert, I really do
feel that it would be better if I were to do it.
Hey look, Albert, the lady was just laughing
because something funny happened.
That's the best thing to do under the circumstances.
-Mr. Burns-- -Say!
How would you all like to go to the Statue of Liberty?
Now, I have it on good authority from the weather lady
that today is a beautiful day.
Mr. Burns, now this interview has reached a point--
I'm gonna get my educational books now.
-I left them out on the street. -Mr. Burns.
This interview has reached a point--
-Mr. Burns-- -Now, dammit, Sandra,
don't interrupt me.
For goodness’ sakes, Albert.
Sandra, perhaps we, uh...
Would you excuse us for a moment, Mr. Burns?
I'd like to have a short conference with Sandra.
-Yep. -Um, er...
Dr. Markowitz, for a moment, please.
Dear, what are you doing, have we lost all control?
Are you seriously talking to me about control, Albert?
Now, dear, I told you--
I told you and I told Dr. Malgaut
it is much too soon for you to be going out on cases.
You need another year in the office,
behind the lines, I told you both
-you simply are not ready. -Albert, you hardly
let me get started-- see, I was attempting
to deal on the basis of the whole child--
Three months out of grad school, and you wanna go
right into front lines.
-Really? -You get too involved, Sandra.
Each case, you get much too emotionally involved.
Now, we are scientists here.
You seem to lose sight of that fact.
Albert, this is no way to deal
-with this man's problems. -Oh, that's fine, that's fine.
How are we doing?
You know, personally, I don't think you're going to
solve your problems with each other.
But I'm glad you came to me, because I think I can help you.
Al, Sandy is not going to respect you
because you threaten her-- no, respect will have to
come gradually, naturally, a maturing process.
Mr. Burns, the Child Welfare Board
is thoroughly aware that Nicholas is not legally adopted.
Consequently, they have, I assure you--
Now, you don't assure me of anything, buddy.
You make me damn nervous.
Mr. Burns, according to the BCW, the child's continuance
in your home is in serious and immediate doubt.
Burns, aren't you at all willing to give some evidence
in your favor for our report?
Some evidence to support your competency as a guardian?
All right, Albert.
Look, folks, what's all the trouble?
That kid’s my nephew, he's staying with me
for a while, he's visiting.
-How long has he been here? -Seven years.
Nicholas's father, where is he?
Well, that's not a where question,
that's a who question.
Nicholas's mother, she is still alive.
Ah, my sister is unquestionably alive.
But her responsibility to the child--
Well, now, for five years she did everything she could
for the child but get married.
Now, that's not easy to understand,
since she used to get married to everybody.
You might call Nick a bastard.
Or a little bastard, depending upon how whimsical
you feel at the time.
I tell ya, folks, I got a real
social worker's paradise here.
Well, my sister, Elaine, arrived here one day
with two suitcases, a hatbox,
a blue parakeet, a dead goldfish,
and a five-year-old child.
A few days later, she went downstairs
to buy a pack of filter tip cigarettes.
Six years later, she returned
for the suitcases and the hatbox.
Now, the parakeet, I had given away.
The goldfish, I had long since flushed down the toilet.
And the five-year-old child had, with very little effort,
become six years older.
When Elaine returned for her luggage,
I reminded her of the child
and the pack of filter tip cigarettes.
And then, I don't know,
I slapped my sister.
Sister cried at some length,
and then proceeded calmly, briefly, to explain to me
her well-practiced theory on the meaning of life,
a philosophy falling somewhere to the left of whoopee.
Well, that was almost a year ago and I still got Nick.
But, uh, I am sure
she must have had some concern about Nicholas.
-About the child. -His name is not Nicholas.
Or even Nick--you see, not having given him
a last name, Elaine felt reticent about
assigning him a first one.
How did you communicate with, uh--
I made a deal with him when he was six,
up to which time he was known rather casually as Chubby,
that he could use whatever name he wished
for however long he wished
until his 13th birthday,
at which time, he'd have to pick a name he liked permanently.
Now, he went through a long period
of dogs' names when he was little,
King and Rover having a real vogue there for a while.
For three months, he referred to himself
as Big Sam.
Then there was Little Max,
Snoopy, Chip,
Rock, Rex, Mike, Marty, Lamont, Ch--
Chevrolet,
Woodrow, Lefty, the Phantom.
He received his library card last year in the name of
Raphael Sabatini.
His Cub Scout membership lists him
as Dr. Morris Fishbein.
Nick seems to be the one that'll stick, though.
His mother, where--
Oh, Elaine communicates with my brother and myself
almost entirely by rumor.
Well, I don't think I've left anything out.
I was not aware that Nicholas was an O.W. child.
O.W.?
-Out of wedlock. -For a moment there
I thought you meant prisoner of war.
I think it's that natural warmth of yours, Albert,
that leads me to misunderstand.
Yes, but, as concerns the child...
Uh, where is the child?
You preferred not having him here anyway, Albert.
I'm perfectly aware, Sandra, of what I prefer
and what I do not prefer.
I don't care for that tone of voice at all, Albert.
Sandra, I understand perfectly what has happened here.
We have allowed this man to disturb us,
and we have both gotten a bit upset.
Now, I really do feel that it's time we got over
to that family problem in Queens.
It's there in your file, the Ledbetters,
the introverted child.
We've given an unreasonable amount of time to this case.
This interview, I'm afraid, Mr. Burns, has reached a point--
Albert, I personally feel that it would not be advisable
to leave this particular case at this particular time.
Sandra, we have done here this morning--
I feel that we have not really given Mr. Burns a chance.
Sandra.
It's time we left for Queens.
Here's the Ledbetter file.
I'm staying here.
-Sandra. -I've decided to pursue
-this case. -Have we lost
all professional control?
You just go yourself to the Ledbellys.
You, go on to Queens, why don't you?
May I just talk to you for a moment, please?
Dear, what is this?
What's happened to you today, what are you doing?
I'm doing what I think is right.
Now, I understand how you feel, Sandra.
-But there's nothing more-- -Are you really going
to leave that man here like that?
You're not going to try to help him
or tell him about the board separating him from the child?
I mean, just so cold.
Darling, of course I want to help,
but let's not forget the child
is the one who needs our attention.
Listen, you have-- you have spent too much time
in that graduate school and not enough time
in the field, now, you've got to learn your job--
Don't give me any of that nonsense!
This is not the time nor the place for this!
You know, graduate school wouldn't have done you any harm,
believe me-- it's the most terrible thing!
Do you know what you are, Albert? You're...
I don't know, but I'll think of something.
Mr. Burns--Mr. Burns, you can assume...
Mr. Burns?
Oh, uh, Mr. Burns.
You can assume at this point that Miss Markowitz
is no longer involved with your case.
Now, the board will be informed
that she’s no longer involved with this particular case.
Her continuing to discuss your case at this point
is entirely unofficial.
You can dismiss any conference,
which may resume when I leave.
After I leave here.
From your mind.
And regardless of what you think of me.
I think you're a dirty O.W.
And do you know what you are?
Maladjusted.
Ooh!
Good afternoon, Mr. Burns.
Good afternoon, Sandra.
Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns, I must apologize to you.
We, uh,
we have put you--
you have been put at a disadvantage this morning,
Mr. Burns, because you've been involved in a personal problem
that has nothing whatsoever to do
with your particular case.
It's entirely wrong for me to give you
this impression of our...
-Do you know what? -What?
I hate the Ledbetters!
Well, I'm sure once I got to know them,
-I'd hate them too. -Mr. Burns,
you don't understand.
Some of the cases, I love, and some of them, I hate,
and that's all wrong for my work,
but I can't help it!
I hate Raymond Ledbetter,
and he's only nine years old.
But some of them--some of them
I like too much, and I worry about them all day long,
it is an obvious conflict
against all professional standards.
I didn't like Raymond Ledbetter, so I tried to understand him,
and now that I understand him, I hate him!
Can I get you a cup of coffee?
Albert is gone, and I just lost my job.
I wrote out what my married name would be
on a paper napkin last night after dinner,
“Mrs. Albert Amundson,"
to see how it would look.
We were going to be married.
It was all planned.
"Mrs. Albert Amundson," on a napkin.
You have to understand Albert.
He's really a very nice person when he's not on cases.
He's a very intelligent man.
Last month, I fell asleep on him twice
while he was talking to me.
Do you have to sit there?
Please go away.
Why don't you go away?
Well, I live here.
I would like everybody to go away.
Could I get you a pastrami sandwich?
I don't even know you, I am crying
right in front of you, please go away!
Now, you're really going to have to stop crying,
because I'm going out of my mind here.
I cry all the time, and I laugh
in the wrong places at the movies.
I am unsuited to my profession,
I can't do anything right.
Last night, I burned an entire chicken.
And after seven years of school, I can't work
and I've got no place to go.
An entire chicken!
Oh, this is an awful day.
What am I going to do?
Oh, Miss Markowitz,
this is a beautiful day.
And I'll tell you why.
Look, you're really a jolly old girl
and you are well rid of Albert.
You have been given the rare opportunity
of returning the unused portion and having your money refunded.
But my work.
What am I going to do?
But you're a lover, Dr. Markowitz.
Yeah, you are a lover of things and of people.
So, you took up work where you could get at
as many of them as possible,
and it just turned out there were too many of them
and too much that moves you.
But dammit, be glad it turned out
you're not reasonable and sensible.
Have all the gratitude you can that you're capable
of embarrassment and joy
and are a marathon crier.
There is a kind of relief that it's gone,
the job, and even Albert.
But I know what it is,
it's just irresponsible, that's all,
and I don't have the vaguest idea who I am.
It's just that there are all these Sandras running around
who you've never met before,
and that's confusing at first,
fantastic--but dammit, isn't it great to find out
how many Sandras there are?
It's like those little cars in the circus,
you know, this tiny red car comes out,
hardly big enough for a midget,
and it putters around, and suddenly,
its doors open
and out come a thousand clowns,
whooping and hollering and raising hell.
-What's this? -That is my undershirt.
Now, how's about going to the Empire State Building
-with me? -I'll have that coffee now.
Didn't answer my question, would you like to visit
the Empire State Building?
No, not really.
Well then, how about the zoo?
Not just now.
Well, will you marry me?
-What? -Just a bit
of shock treatment there-- I have found
after long experience, it's the quickest way
to get a woman's attention when her mind wandered.
Always works.
-Mr. Burns-- -Oh, no, no, now that you cried,
you can't call me "Mr. Burns."
same thing goes for laughing.
My name is Murray.
Well, Murray, um, hmm,
to sort of return to reality for a moment--
I’ll only go as a tourist.
Murray...
the Child Welfare Board could really take Nick away.
But there's some things that you could do about it
to make your case a little stronger.
Uh, Sandra, do you realize
you are not wearing your shoes?
Well, here I am with some of my favorite books.
Uh, Fun in the Rain, The Young Railroader,
Great Philosophers, Science for Youth,
and a Spanish dictionary.
See, what I did was, I left them out on the street when I was
-playing and I thought-- -Nick, you just killed
a whole month's allowance for nothing,
Miss Markowitz isn't even on our case anymore.
I shouldn't have left.
You got angry and insulted everybody.
Nothing to worry about.
Well, four dollars right out the window.
We're in real trouble now, right, lady?
Nick? Nick, we have a guest,
a music lover.
Let's play our song.
Come on, I'm sure it will be requested.
Murray, you know, we can't play songs at a time like this.
Come on, old man, where's your professional attitude?
Murray, we cannot-- this is no time to play songs.
-Please. -♪ Yes, sir ♪
-Murray, don't. -♪ That's my baby ♪
♪ No, sir, I don't mean maybe ♪
♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby ♪
♪ Yes, sir, we've decided ♪
♪ No, sir, but we won't hide it ♪
♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby now ♪
-♪ Oh, by the way ♪ -♪ Oh, by the way ♪
-♪ Oh, by the way... ♪
♪ And when we meet, ♪
♪ somebody will say ♪
♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby ♪
♪ No, sir, don't mean maybe ♪
♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby ♪
♪ Oh, by the way ♪
♪ And by the way ♪
♪ When we meet, ♪
♪ somebody will say... ♪
♪ Yes, sir, that's my-- ♪
Nice to meet you, lady, I'll see you around.
Where you off to, Nick?
Oh, I'm gonna leave my stuff up with Mrs. Meyers,
see, I figure I'll be staying up there tonight.
♪ Oh, by the way ♪
♪ Oh, by the way... ♪
♪ When we meet, ♪
♪ somebody will say... ♪
Murray, who do you know who's leaving on that boat?
Nobody. I don't get jealous that way.
Hey, thattaway to go, Charlie baby, have a great trip!
Bon voyage, Charlie!
That's the way, have a good trip!
But you see, it's a great thing to do
when you're about to start something new,
you see a boat off, it gives you the genuine feeling
of the beginning of a trip.
Hey, bon voyage, Charlie, have a wonderful time!
Bon voyage, Charlie, have a wonderful time!
A wonderful time!
Oh, Wall Street, it's a lovely view.
To hell with the view.
Right now, at this hour,
it's just me and all that money.
Right now, I'm all alone with two billion dollars
in cash, checks, and securities.
And me, I'm here too.
Yes, you are, lady.
Ah, light.
Ugh!
No matter what time of day or what season,
I got a permanent fixture out there.
It's twilight in February.
Now, one of these mornings, I'll wake up
and that damn building will have fallen down
into Seventh Avenue so I can see the weather.
Uh, using machine to call up another machine.
I do not enjoy the company of ghosts.
Hello, weather lady, well, I'm fine,
and how's your nasal little self this morning?
What's the weather?
Oh, that high, huh?
And the wind, which way does the wind blow this morning?
Very good, all the way from Eastport to Block Island, huh?
Chance of showers?
Say, what exactly does that mean?
Uh, uh, uh--
There you go again, you simply must learn
not to repeat yourself.
I keep telling ya every morning that once is enough.
Ah, you'll never learn.
Chance of showers.
Hello, is this someone with good news or money?
No? Goodbye.
This is your neighbor speaking.
I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say
that something must be done about your garbage cans
in the alley here, it is definitely
second-rate garbage.
Now, by next week, I want to see a better class of garbage!
More empty champagne bottles and caviar cans!
I'm sure you're all behind me on this,
so let's snap it up and get on the ball!
Good morning.
How are you this morning?
I am fine this morning, how are you?
I'm fine also.
You have a bathrobe?
Yes, I have a bathrobe.
May I have your bathrobe, please?
Well, I'll get you Nick's, it will fit you better.
Sounds like a good idea.
-There you go. -Oh, thank you.
Yes...
It's 11:15 and there is a chance of showers.
Does the bathrobe fit?
This bathrobe fits fine.
Did you happen to see my clothes?
Oh, uh, they're in the bathroom,
shall I get them?
No, thank you!
This isn't the bathroom, this is the kitchen.
Here are your clothes,
also toothpaste and a toothbrush.
Thank you.
-Morning, Murray. -Good morning, Arnold.
say, Murray, Chuckles called me again yesterday
and I told him I would talk to you, that's all.
Jimmy Sloan's in from the coast.
He's putting a new panel show package together.
You know, Arnold, you have many successful clients.
With all these successful people around,
where are all of our new, young failures going to come from?
Murray, those people I saw here yesterday,
they were from the Welfare Board, is that right?
-Now I tried to warn you-- -Now, there's nothing
-to worry about. -What are you saying,
there's nothing to worry-- the welfare people
-don't kid around, now do they? -Arnold, I don't mind you
coming here with fruit if you'll keep quiet,
but you bring a word with every apple.
Oh.
-ls Nick all right? -Everything's okay.
-Bye, Murray. -Bye, Arnold.
You know, yesterday was the first time
that I had ever visited the Statue of Liberty.
Funny how you can live in a city for so long
and not visit one of its most fascinating sites.
Yes, that is funny.
Oh.
Hmm.
This coffee isn't bad for yesterday's coffee.
Oh, oh, I think it's very good for yesterday's coffee, mm.
Good to the last drop.
That's right, that's right.
-I have to go now. -Oh?
Yes.
I have to be on my way.
But--well, don't forget your files.
Oh, oh, my files.
-Goodbye. -Goodbye.
Yes, hm, hm...
You crazy nut, I was ready to kill you.
What happened, you didn't say anything.
Well, I didn't know what was going on.
-Don't let me go! -I'm just putting
my coffee cup down here.
Murray, I thought about it,
and I probably love you.
That's very romantic.
I probably love you too.
Mm, argh!
We'll have to do something about curtains,
we need color there, Murray.
I hope you didn't mind about the screen around the bed,
I think it gives such a nice separate bedroom effect
to that side of the room.
Oh, there's so many wonderful things you can do
with a one-room apartment.
Really, if you're willing to use your imagination.
Ohh...
Do you have an extra key?
-A what? -An extra key.
Altman's has this terrific curtain sale.
Yeah, oh, oh sure a key, uh...
I thought I would go over and--
You know what, Sandy?
I don't seem to have one-- an extra key.
You better answer that, Murray.
Oh, you sure you don't prefer to, uh--
No, I have no reason to hide from anybody.
Ah-ha.
Good morning, Mr. Burns.
How are you?
-May I come in? -Sure.
I—I called you this morning, Mr. Burns.
-Oh, that was you. -It was me.
Miss Markowitz did not show up in Queens yesterday.
So.
Well, her parents are quite upset.
I am quite upset.
-Where is she? -She's hiding in the closet.
Now, we're really all quite anxious to know
where she is.
I'm not kidding, Albert, she's in the closet.
She is in the closet.
I wouldn't lie to you, Albert.
Why is she in the closet?
I don't know, uh, she's got this thing about closets.
Well, that's a very silly thing for her to be in,
that closet.
Well, don't knock it until you've tried it.
Now, uh, what else can I do for you, Albert?
That's a difficult thing for me to believe.
I mean, that she's right there in the closet.
You know, you are not a person, Mr. Burns,
you are an experience.
Very nice, Albert, I'll have to remember that.
Uh, actually, Dr. Markowitz is not the reason
for my visit today.
I came here in an official capacity.
Coffee?
No, thank you.
Ah, now what's on your mind, Albert?
Uh, Burns...
Late yesterday afternoon,
the Child Welfare Board
made a decision on your case.
Now, uh, the decision they've reached is based on
three months of a thorough study.
Our interview yesterday was only a small part of that,
quite thorough.
I want you to understand,
that I am not responsible personally
for the decision they've reached.
-Now look, Albert-- -Months of research
by the board and reports by the Revere School
show a severe domestic instability,
a libertine self-indulgence,
a whole range of circumstances severely detrimental
to the child's welfare.
Hey, stop tap-dancing a second, Albert.
Now, what's going on?
Well, it is the board's decision that you are unfit
to be the guardian of your nephew
and that action be taken this Friday
to remove him from this home
and the deprivation you cause him.
Who writes your material for you, Charles Dickens?
The board is prepared to find a more stable,
permanent home for your nephew,
a family with whom he will live a more wholesome, normal life.
Hey, listen, Albert, isn't there some kind of a hearing?
Well, yes, you will have the opportunity Thursday
to state your case to the board.
Now, if there is some substantial change
in your circumstances, if you can demonstrate
that you are a responsible member of society--
Well, this is Tuesday, what the hell am I supposed to do
in the next two days, win the Nobel Peace Prize?
You were to be informed by the court,
but in view of the confusion which took place here yesterday,
for which I consider myself responsible--
You know, you speak like you write everything down
before you say it.
Well, yes, I do speak that way, Mr. Burns.
I wish I spoke more spontaneously.
I will always appear foolish in a conversation
with a person of your imagination.
Please, understand
there is no vengeance in my activities here.
I love my work, Mr. Burns.
Now, I believe that you are a danger to this child.
-Oh, now. -Now, I wish this were not true,
because it is obvious you have considerable affection
for your nephew.
It shows in your face, this feeling.
Well, I admire you for your warmth, Mr. Burns,
and for the affection the child feels for you.
I admire this because I am one for whom children
do not easily feel affection.
I am not one of the warm people.
But your feeling for the child does not mollify
the genuinely dangerous, emotional climate
you have made for him.
Now, I wish you could understand this.
I would so much rather you understood,
could really hear what I have to say,
for yours is, I believe,
a distorted picture of this world.
Then why don't you send me to a foster home?
I was right, you really can't listen to me.
You're so sure of your sight.
Your villains and heroes are all so terribly clear to you.
And I am obviously one of the villains.
Well, God save you from your vision, Mr. Burns.
Goodbye.
Hey!
I’ll bet you don't believe I really do live
above an abandoned Chinese restaurant, huh?
-Come on, I'll show it to you. -Murray.
Don't be nervous, lady, you're at an awkward stage,
-you're between closets. -Murray, what Albert said
-about Nick... -Now, look, Sandy, to tell you
the truth, it's even better for me if he goes.
I mean, he's a middle-aged kid.
You know, when I signed with the network that time,
he sat up all night figuring out the fringe benefits
and the pension plan.
And he started to make lists this year,
lists of everything!
Subway stops, underwear,
what he's gonna do next week.
I told him if he doesn't watch out,
he's gonna start making lists of what he's gonna do next year
and for the next ten years.
Hey.
Suppose they put him in
with a whole family
of lists makers--no, no, I didn't spend six years
with him so he'd turn into a list maker.
He'll learn to know everything before it happens.
He'll learn how to plan!
Learn how to be one of the nice dead people.
-Are you listening to me? -Of course, Murray, I told you--
Well, then stamp your foot or mutter or something
so I'll know you're there, will you?
I want to be sure he knows when he's chickening out on himself.
I want him to get to know the special thing he is,
or else he won't notice it when it starts to go.
I want him to stay awake and know who the phonies are!
I want him to know how to holler and put up an argument.
I want a little guts to show before I can let him go.
I want to be sure he sees all the wild possibilities.
I want him to know it's worth all the trouble
just to give the world a little goosing
once you get the chance.
I want him to know the sneaky,
subtle, important reason
he was born a human being
and not a chair.
Hey, I, uh, brought you all the way down here,
I didn't even show you the restaurant.
Hey, the original Lum Fars Oriental Paradise,
rear door.
It's a shame they closed it, something to do with
not being recognized by the United Nations.
Sandy, I don't want him to go!
I like having him around here.
What'll I do, Sandy? Help me out.
You see...
I like when he reads me from the want ads.
Don't worry, Murray, we will do something.
I know the board, their procedures,
there are things we can do.
What I'll do is I'll, uh...
I’ll buy a new suit.
First thing is to get a dignified suit.
If you could just get some kind of job, Murray.
-Get your brother to help you. -Yeah, right, right.
Is there something you could get in a hurry?
Yeah, one of those summer suits with the ready-made cuffs.
No--a job.
If you could just bring some proof of employment
to the hearing, Murray,
show them how anxious you are to change,
show them you want to be reliable!
Yeah!
Reliable!
Sandy, we will put on a great damn show for them,
spectacular reliability!
A reliability parade-- bands, floats, banners,
everything!
Great, keep that laugh, I'll need it later.
Hello, Margot? Murray.
Oh. Well, when Arnie comes in,
tell him I need a job in a hurry, huh?
Yeah, tell him to set up some appointments for lunch
and straight through the afternoon, if he can.
Tell him the people he mentioned this morning,
whoever can see me today right away, okay?
Yeah, I'll call him back later.
All right, thanks, Margot, bye!
Hey, Sandy, I'm gonna buy a new suit now.
Can I come with you? I'd love to watch you buy one!
No, you better not, Sandy, I gotta move fast.
-You wait for me upstairs, huh? -Oh.
-Here's a key for ya. -Thank you.
-Look, don't go away, huh? -Oh, no, oh, Murray.
-Say, "Good luck." -Good luck.
Say, "You are a magnificent human being."
You are a magnificent human being.
I thought you'd notice.
Mom!
Oh, I know you must've been going out of your mind,
and I'm sorry, Mom, but I'm calling you now
to tell you some-- some wonderful news.
Oh-ha, oh, it's a--
it's a really basic relationship.
I'm so--so in love with him,
and I'm so very happy!
Well, what do you mean, what do I mean "happy"?
Um, well, I mean...
well, you know, uh, happy.
I got a great new panel show package.
All ad lib, you'll be the permanent member
on the panel, every afternoon just talk, no sweat.
Great running bit for you on the show.
-What's that? -Honesty.
Absolute honesty.
The minute you come on, the first thing that comes
to your cockamamie head.
Great TV.
You be you, a big nut.
Have you decided on your luncheon order, sir?
Yes, I'll have a hamburger and a flashlight.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Oh, you'll be nutsy crazy,
the audience will love you, Murray.
A big, lovable eccentric.
I'll put you on just the way you are,
a natural phenomenon like the Grand Canyon.
You'll have that crazy, nutsy face
and that cockamamie talk.
Beautiful.
Love--the audience will love you, Murray.
Murray?
Mother, now, there's nothing for you to cry about.
Guts, guts!
See I told Arnie I wanted to see you
because this new series is going to need a guts attitude.
Courage kind of thing.
I woulda run from a writer with your rep,
but uh, I'm a gambler, Burns.
Insecurity excited me.
Going for a big one this fall,
series will be really human, you know, kind of thing,
sort of a--well, of our time!
Quality concepts, area of Kafka, symbolism,
literate, Chekhovian sort of thing.
Were calling it Homicide Squad.
Now, I'm just spitballing here, you know,
I got a gut reaction, but each week,
we ought to be able to get in about ten minutes
of moral message, you know?
Race relations thing, world peace thing,
understanding brings love thing,
love brings understanding-- controversy a bit, you know,
tough, you know, but, uh, warm.
Uh-huh, mm-hm.
You walked out of the restaurant, huh?
Sloan makes you an offer
and you walk out of the restaurant.
-Murray-- -Arnie, I can't get over
this office, the 22nd floor, whoa!
Ah, you can see everything!
Oh, for God's sake, I don't believe it.
-What? -It's King Kong,
he's sitting on top of the Time-Life Building,
seems to be crying, oh, poor gorilla bastard,
somebody should've told him they don't make
these buildings the way they used to.
Murray, Sloan didn't make you such a bad offer--
Sloan is an idiot.
I've got news for you, cookie, with your situation this week,
you're gonna need idiots, now, you do not have the time--
Now, Arnie, you shouldn't holler at me,
-I brought you a present! -Murray!
And that other fella you sent me to
with the TV series-- a killer, Arnie,
I saw notches on his attaché case.
Murray, you've got a rotten reputation.
Even these guys weren't easy to grab.
Why do you have to build your own personal blacklist?
Why can't you just get blacklisted as a Communist,
like everybody else?
What did you do to him?
Or you just left him standing there?
You just left him standing there?
Arnie, Arnie, it was beautiful!
Oh, I would've loved to have seen that,
it must've been great.
W--what, oh, wish to God
I didn't enjoy you so much.
I don't do you any damn good at all, do I?
All right, come on, Murray, no more fun and games
with Leo, do you understand?
He's absolutely all we have left before the hearing Thursday.
Don't worry, Arn, I figured I could always go back
with Chuckles the Chipmunk.
All right, Murray.
Margot, get me Leo Herman on the speakerphone.
Well, Leo won't be so bad for a while.
Oh, Murray, now, not for a while.
You're gonna have to stick with Chuckles.
Now, my agency lawyer gave me all the facts.
The most the board will allow you
is a probationary year with Nick, a trial period,
and the board's investigators are going to be
checking up on you every week, regularly.
Checking to see that you still have your job,
checking with Leo on your stability,
checking up on the improvements in your home environment.
Sounds--sounds like a parole board.
Yes, it certainly does.
Kid-a-roonies,
you take it from your old buddy,
your old Chipper-munk, Chuckles.
If your get-up-and-go has got up and left,
just one ten-cent bag of these Crispy Chuckle Chips
will give you that
“barrel of monkeys boat is never sunky” feeling again.
-What do you say, kids? -Yay!
George, is that a "yay"?
What kind of a "yay" is that?
I ask for a "yay," you give me a death rattle.
Come on, look, if you're gonna rehearse a "yay,"
rehearse a "yay."
Okay, let's have it again, kids.
Yay!
Death. We're dying.
With that kind of a "yay," the show is dying.
That's why the show is dying, the kids don't have
a yay’ attitude.
Dead-dying dead, death, dying dead.
-Call for you, Mr. Herman. -What is that?
It's a telephone, Arnold Burns' office calling.
Great, wonderful, wonderful.
Hello, Arnie. Here I am, here he is!
You got my voice coming out of that speakerphone
in your office right, am I coming through?
-Am I coming through there? -Clearly, Leo.
-Murray’s here. -Murray, Murray,
the wonderful wild man!
Hey, kid-a-roonies, looks like your old Uncle Murray's
coming back to write some of those wonderful
script-a-roonies for us again.
What do you say, kids?
Yay!
Murray, what did you do, the job,
the hearing, what--
♪ Dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-bum ♪
♪ Dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-dum ♪
Well, say, did you do all this?
Yeah, Nick, do you like it?
Well, I think it's superb.
I mean, imagine my surprise when I saw it.
Murray went downtown to see your Uncle Arnold,
-he's going to get a job! -No kidding!
Hey, that's terrific, that's just terrific!
See, lady, he was developing into a bum.
I mean, you don't want to see someone you like
developing into a bum and doing nutty things.
You know what he does?
He hollers.
Like, we were on Park Avenue last Sunday
and it's very early in the morning,
there's no one in the streets, see,
just all these big, quiet apartment houses,
and he hollers, "Rich people, I want to see you
all out on the street for volleyball,
let's snap it up!"
And, you know, sometimes if we were in
a crowded elevator someplace,
he'll turn to me and he'll say,
“Max, there'll be no more of this self-pity.
Now, you're 40.
It's time you got used to being a midget."
And everybody stares.
He has a wonderful time.
What are you gonna do with someone who hollers like that?
You know, last week in Macy's he did that.
Well, if you want to know the truth, lady,
that was pretty funny.
I think you're a very nice lady.
What do you think of me?
Oh, I think you're very nice also.
You know, a very nice quality
you have is that you're a good listener,
which is important to me because of how much I talk.
Hey, you are laugher, aren't you, lady?
-I guess so, Nick. -Yeah.
Would you like some fruit?
We got lots of fruit.
Oh, no thank you, Nick.
If you'd like to call your mother or someone,
please feel free to use the telephone.
Or my desk, if you want to read a book or something.
Or any of the chairs.
Oh, I will, thank you, Nick.
‘Kay.
Well, you gonna be
staying around here for a while?
I might, yes, yes.
Uh-huh.
Well, good luck to you, lady.
Murray, what a nice suit you've bought!
Hi, how is everything?
Which job did you get?
Uh--still going good, Violet?
Oh, marvelous.
-She's in the third month. -Oh, pregnant?
-No, unemployment insurance. -Don't keep me in suspense,
which job did you get?
I shall now leave you breathless
with the strange and wondrous tale
of this sturdy lad's adventures today in downtown Oz.
Now, picture, if you will, me.
I am walking on East 51st Street about an hour ago,
practicing how to say "I am sorry"
with a little style.
-Sorry for what? -Oh, for anything,
just rehearsing-- well, you know how it is
when you're walking down the street talking to yourself
how suddenly you say something out loud?
So I said, "I'm sorry," and this fella coming by,
a complete stranger, he looks up a second
and he says, "That's all right, Mac,"
and he goes right on.
He automatically forgave me, I communicated.
Now, five o'clock rush hour in midtown you could say,
"Sir, I believe your hair is on fire,"
and they wouldn't even hear you, so--
I decided to test the whole thing out scientifically.
I just stood there on the corner of 51st and Lex
saying “I'm sorry" to everybody that came by.
“I am so sorry, Sir-- I'm terribly sorry, madam.
Say there, miss, I'm sorry."
Of course I got a few funny looks,
but I swear, Sandy,
75 percent of 'em forgave me.
Something had happened to all them for which they felt
somebody should apologize.
It was fabulous, I had tapped some vast reservoir.
I just said “I'm sorry"
and they were all so generous, so kind.
-Murray-- -Yeah, Sandy,
I could run up on the roof right now and holler "I'm sorry"
and a half a million people would holler back,
“That's okay, just see you don't do it again!"
Murray, you didn't take any of the jobs.
Sandy, I, uh--
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Well, dammit, lady, that was a beautiful apology.
I mean, you gotta love a guy who can apologize so nice.
I rehearsed it for over an hour.
Aw, Sandy.
That's the most you should expect from life.
A really good apology
for all the things you won't get.
Oh, Murray, I don't understand.
What happens to Nick, what about the welfare board?
-Well, Sandy-- -Murray, if you didn't like
the jobs here your brother found for you,
-then take any job. -Sandy, it isn't the job.
Well, I have had no effect on you at all.
I've made no difference.
Sandy, you are a cute, jolly lady.
Sandy, hey--
there's a great sailing tomorrow.
The embarkation of the season--
53rd Street dock at 1:00,
the Montana Maru, Pearl of the Atlantic.
Bound for Europe, Khorramshahr,
Sumatra and Beirut and points east.
We'll stand on the dock and watch it go.
Oh, gives you the genuine feeling
of a beginning, I think.
Hey, bon voyage, Charlie,
have a wonderful time!
I can see why Nick liked it here.
I would like it too, if I was 12 years old.
Hey, stick with me, Dr. Markowitz,
you know, anything can happen
above an abandoned Chinese restaurant.
Oh, there are so many really attractive things
that you can do with a one-room apartment,
if you're willing to use your imagination.
Bye, Murray.
You forgot your files!
Hey, dammit, you forgot your files.
I've been attacked by the Ladies' Home Journal.
Place has an unusual quality now,
kind of fun Gothic.
Where's my eagle?
Well, what have we got here, Sunnybrook Farm?
Ah.
Everybody on stage for the Hawaiian number, please!
-Hey-- -Okay.
Takes me an hour to get insulted,
now I'm insulted.
You walked out of my office.
That wasn't a nice thing to do to me, Murray.
I mean, you come to my office today like George God,
everybody's supposed to come up and audition
for human being in front of you.
I called Leo back, I apologized, I told him the phone broke down.
Everything is going to be fine.
Arnie, you said I insulted you.
Well, dammit, get angry!
Come on, raise your voice, at least your eyebrows!
Please, please, have an argument with me.
Murray, you're just getting excited, that's all.
Now, look, I've got Leo to come over,
he's gonna see you tonight, everything is gonna
turn out fine, you'll see.
-Arnie, will you forget that? -Just fine!
-Will you forget it? -Look, if--
If you love Nick
or whoever it is he's calling himself this week,
you have got to take any kind of a stupid job to keep him.
Now, I even thought maybe Shirley and me would take him,
but you know, our three kids, she'd go crazy.
Aw, don't worry, Arnie.
This welfare crowd, they know what they're doing.
They'll put Nick with a good family.
Yup.
Murray, I finally figured out your problem.
There is only one thing that really bothers you--
other people.
The enemy.
Watch out, Murray, they're everywhere.
Go ahead, Arnold, give me advice.
At 30,000 a year, you can afford it.
Oh, I get it, if I'm so smart, why ain't I poor?
Well, you better get a damn good act of your own,
buddy, before you start giving mine the raspberry.
What's this game you play gonna be like
in ten years without youth?
Murray, I can't watch this-- You've gotta shape up.
-Shape up? -That's right, shape up.
Arnie, what the hell happened to you?
You got so old, I don't know you anymore.
Who is it?
When you quit Harry the Fur King on 28th Street, remember?
-That's 20 years ago, Murray. -Ah--
Harry said you weren't behaving
maturely enough for a salesman.
Your clothes didn't match or something,
so the next day you dressed perfectly.
Homburg, gray suit, cufflinks,
carrying a briefcase and a rolled umbrella,
and you came into Harry's office on roller skates!
Where did they go, Arnie?
What happened to your roller skates?
Well, I don't do practical jokes anymore,
-if that's what you mean. -Practical, that's right.
A way to stay alive.
Gee, if most things aren't funny, Arn,
then they're only exactly what they are.
Then it's just one long dental appointment
interrupted occasionally by something exciting
like waiting or falling asleep.
What's the point if I leave things
just the way I find ‘em?
Then I'm just adding to the noise,
I'm just taking up some more room on the subway.
Murray, the welfare board has these specifications.
All you have to do is to make up your mind--
-Arnie, you don't... -Murray, I--
..understand anymore.
You've got that wide stare that people stick in their eyes
so nobody'll know their head's asleep.
Gee--to be a moaner, a shuffler.
You want me to come, sit and eat fruit with you
and watch the clock run out.
You start to drag and stumble under the rotten weight
of all the people who shoulda been told off.
All of the things you should have said,
all the specifications
that aren't yours.
You know, the only thing you got left to reject
is your food in a restaurant if they do it wrong,
you can send it back and make a big fuss with the waiter.
Five months ago, I was on a subway on my way to work.
I was sitting on an express, same as every morning,
looking out the window,
watching the local stops go by in the dark
with an empty head and my arms folded.
Not feeling great, not feeling rotten.
Just not feeling.
And for a minute I couldn't remember,
I didn't know unless
I really concentrated
whether it was a Tuesday
or a Thursday or...
For a minute,
it could have been any day, Arn.
I gotta know what day it is.
I gotta know what's the name of the game,
and what the rules are without anyone else telling me.
You gotta own your own days and name ‘em.
Each one of 'em, every one of ‘em.
Or else the years go right by
and none of them belong to you.
And that ain't just for weekends, kiddo.
Well, here it is,
the day after Irving R. Feldman's birthday
and I never even congratulated him.
Murray.
Ooh.
Well, what's so funny?
I scared myself.
Murray, I've long been aware...
I've long been aware that you don't respect me so much.
Ah, I suppose there are a lot of brothers
who don't get along, but...
in reference to us
and considering the factors,
sounds like a contract, doesn't it.
Unfortunately for you, Murray, you wanna be a hero.
If maybe a fella falls into the lake you can jump in
and save him, there's still that kind of stuff.
But who gets opportunities like that in Midtown Manhattan
with all that traffic?
I'm willing to deal with the available world,
I don't choose to shake it up but to live with it.
There's the people who spill things
and there's the people who get spilled on,
and I don't choose to notice the stains.
I have a wife, I have children,
and business, like they say, is business.
I'm not an exceptional man, so it's possible for me
to stay with things the way they are.
I'm lucky. I'm gifted.
I have a talent for surrender, and I'm at peace.
But you?
Oh, you're cursed.
And I like you, Murray.
So it makes me sad.
You don't have the gift and I can see the torture of it.
All I can do is worry for you,
but I will not worry for myself.
You can't convince me that I'm one of the bad guys.
I get up, I go, I lie a little,
I peddle a little, I watch the rules,
I talk the talk.
We fellows have those offices high up there
so that we can catch the wind and go with it however it blows.
But, and I'm not gonna apologize for it--
I take pride.
I am the best possible Arnold Burns.
Give my regards to Irving R. Feldman, will you?
-Hey, Arnie-- -Murray, please allow me,
once, to leave a room before you do.
Hey, Murray, watch it!
Yeah, it's okay now.
-Hey, that's great, Murray. -Hiya, Nick.
You don't give it enough play, it goes into a dive.
Let's go downstairs.
-Murray. -I wanna talk to you.
This afternoon in school, I made a decision.
Right in the middle of creative geography class,
I decided that since you were getting a job today,
then I made up my mind it was time for me
also to finish a certain matter which I've been putting off.
See, for the past couple of months
I've been considering different names,
‘cause in four weeks I am gonna be 13
and I've gotta pick my permanent first name like you said.
You should just go on calling yourself Nick,
you've been using that one the longest.
Well, Nick is a name for a short person.
Since I'm a short person, I don't believe
I should put a lot of attention on it.
What do you mean, where'd you get the idea you were short?
From people who are taller than I am.
That is ridiculous.
Sure, up there it's ridiculous.
But from down here where I am, it's not so ridiculous.
You know, half the girls in my class are taller than me.
‘Specially Susan Bookwalter.
Nick, you happen to be
a nice medium height for your age.
So how is it everybody crouches over when I'm around?
Because you're a kid.
Look, you come from a fairly tall family,
next couple years, you're gonna grow like crazy.
Really, every day you're getting bigger.
But so is Susan Bookwalter.
So, for a couple of months,
I've been considering various tall names.
Then I though about just picking any name,
putting "Captain" in front of it,
sort of jack it up a little.
But I really didn't like that, either.
But then...
last week I finally am really decided,
and I took out a new library card
to see how it looks.
And today, I figured I'd make it definite and official.
That's my library card.
Well, no, that's the whole thing, it's mine.
Well, this says "Murray Burns" on it.
Well, yeah, that's the name that I picked.
So I took out a new card to see how it looks
and make it official.
Hey, Murray, baby, don't jump.
Hey, fella, don't jump, I'll meet ya inside.
Hey, it's Mr. Herman.
Oh, that's the job you took, huh?
Ma!
Hey, Ma!
There he is, there's the old monkey,
-there's the old joker. -There he is, lay off it.
There he is, there's the little guy.
Look at him, little guy.
I got a Chuckle statue for you.
Well, thank you, Mr. Herman.
Imagine how pleased I am to receive it.
It's a very artistic statue, and very good cardboard, too.
And I got a Chuckle cap for you,
just like the old chipmunk wears.
-Thank you. -Oop.
Thank you.
You're wearing the Chuckle's hat,
you gotta say the Chuckle's hello.
The what?
Chip-chip-chippermonkey?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Chip-chip-chippermonkey!
May I know your first name?
It's Nick most of the time.
Most of the time?
Look what I got here, two big bags
of Chuckle Chip potato chips, eh?
Nicky, you wanna put these crispy chips
in a bowl or something for us?
-Okay. -Yeah, and take your time,
Nick, ‘cause your uncle and me got some--
we got some grown-up talking to do, okay--
The kid hates me.
I didn't go over very well with him,
I pushed a little too hard.
-Nice kid, Murray. -Yeah, how are your kids, Leo?
Fine, fine, but I swear to God, even they don't like
my show since you stopped writing it.
My youngest one, my six-year-old...
-Ralphie. -Ralphie,
watches the Funny Bunny show every morning now instead of me.
Oh, have I been bombing out on the show every morning.
You know what it feels like to bomb out
in front of children-- You flop out in front of kids,
Murray, I swear to God, they're ready to kill ya.
Or else they stare at you, that's the worst.
That hurt, innocent little stare like you just killed their pup
or ate their turtle or something, Murray--
Have you back with me at the studio,
see you at the show tomorrow, it's gonna be beautiful,
-you're the best. -I appreciate
-your feeling that way, Leo. -This afternoon,
on the phone, you walked out on me.
-Yeah, Leo, I'm sorry. -Why, why do you do this to me?
-No, I was only kidding. -Don't tell me,
I know I make people nervous,
who can listen to me for ten minutes, right?
You see that, you see that?
see how I kept touching my suit, my tie like that?
I keep touching myself to make sure I'm still here.
I get this feeling maybe I vanished when I wasn't looking.
No, I'm sure that you're here, Leo.
See how he talks to me, a little nasty? I like it.
It's straight, it's real, I like it.
You know what I got around me on the show?
Finks, dwarfs, phonies, and frogs.
No Murrays, the show is boring.
Boring, boring, boring, boredom, bore, boring,
boring, boring, boring, boring, boredom, bore!
-Murray? -Boring, boredom, bore!
Boring, boring, boring.
I believe that I left my files here.
I came to get my files.
May I have my files, please?
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, Chuckles the Chipmunk, this is Minnie Mouse.
Hiya, Minnie.
You must be Mr. Herman?
I must be, I must be him.
Well, I'll be on my way.
That's a very attractive girl, that Minnie.
What does she do?
She's my decorator.
She's done a wonderful job.
The place is great, Murray,
it's loose, it's open, it's free, I love it.
A wonderful, crazy place.
My God.
You must make out like mad in a place like this, huh?
Leo.
How is it I never came here before?
You were here last January, Leo.
You work with me for three years,
I never saw your apartment.
You were here last January, Leo.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wasn't I here recently, in the winter?
Last January, I think.
I remember, I came here to get you back on the show
and you wouldn't listen to me.
It was a week after you quit--
you walked into the kitchen and started singing
"Yes Sir, That's My Baby,"
and I left, feeling very foolish,
like I had footprints on my face.
You monkey, you're a monkey.
You're an old monkey, aren't you, huh?
Walked in the kitchen and starting singing,
"Yes Sir, That's My Baby."
You know what I got from that experience?
A rash, I broke out something terrible.
Minnie Mouse.
Minnie Mouse!
You told me her name was Minnie Mouse!
I swear to God now, I think my mission in life
is to feed you straight lines.
It's a kind of a fallout shelter,
that's what you got here, Mur.
Protection against the idiots in the atmosphere,
it's free, it's free, free, free, free,
freedom, free, another year and I'll--
another year and I'll cut loose of my chipmunk show.
Binds me, hugs me up,
finks, dwarfs, phonies, and frogs.
Now the two of us, we gotta do something new,
something wild, a new kind of kid's show for adults, maybe.
You told me the same thing three years ago, Leo.
All right, what do you want from me?
I'm a coward, everybody knows--oh my God.
Did you ever see anything so immodest?
I bring a big statue of myself as a gift for a child, huh?
The pure ego of it?
I'm ashamed, Murray, please.
Throw a sheet over it or something, will you, please?
Yum-yum-yum-yum-yummy, oh,
yum-yum-yum-yum-yum, good.
Oh, gosh, kid-a-roonies, look at your poor chipmunk friend,
he got his mouth stuck!
Oh ho, no matter how hard I try,
I can't get my mouth unstuck.
But maybe if you Chippermunks yell, "Be happy, Chuckles,"
maybe then it'll get unstuck.
You're supposed to yell, "Be happy, Chuckles."
Oh, yeah, sure.
Be happy, Chuckles.
All right, you fixed me!
I'm all fixed!
-Yeah. -Would you like
your potato chips now, Mr. Herman?
That's a bit from tomorrow morning's show.
And you're gonna know it before all the kids
in the neighborhood.
Thank you.
That's one of the funny parts there
where I couldn't move my mouth.
Oh, oh yeah?
You think it was funny?
Sure, that was pretty funny.
Yeah, don't you laugh
or something when you see something funny?
Yeah, it just caught me by surprise is all,
I didn't get a chance.
Don't you want more potato chips, mister?
Another funny part was where I jumped up there
with a smile there, at the end there.
Was another one.
Then the finishing bit, I got the smile, see,
now I'm all fixed, huh?
Now I'm all fixed, he-he-he-he--
Oh, now it's stuck the other way!
Well gee, that's terrific, Mr. Herman.
That's all you gotta do, just get up there and do that
and they pay you and everything.
You didn't laugh.
I was waiting for the funny part.
That was the funny part.
-You mean when you fell on-- -Yeah, like on the floor there!
-Well, you see the thing is-- -Yeah, I know,
you were waiting for the funny part.
Well, here, you missed another funny part.
Another one, I'm very sorry, Mr. Herman--
Forget it!
I happen to know that the bit is very funny.
Here, I can prove it to you.
What does it say right there?
Second line there.
“Frown bit: 85 percent of audience,
outright prolonged laughter on frown bit."
That's an analysis report the agency did for me
on Monday's preview audience.
The routine I just did for you got outright
prolonged laughter, 85 percent.
Monday, three o'clock.
You try him on sad parts, Leo, he's very good on sad parts.
As a matter of fact, there's a poignant type bit
I did at the preview theater.
Sixty percent of audience noticeably moved.
-They left the theater? -There he is,
there's the old joker, right?
Murray the joker.
Well, say, I can do some routines, too.
I can imitate the voice of Alexander Hamilton.
-Good. -I do Alexander Hamilton,
and Murray does a terrific Thomas Jefferson.
We got the voices just right.
-Hello, Alex, how are you? -Say, hello, Tom, you know,
you should have been in Congress today.
-Yeah. -You really missed--
Now this is ridiculous.
You can't do an imitation of Alexander Hamilton,
nobody knows what he sounds like.
Well, that's the funny part.
You missed the funny part, Leo.
I'm getting a terrible rash on my neck.
I was working good in front of the kid,
the routine I did for him was funny.
I don't go over with these odd kids.
Look at him, here I am, right in front of him,
in person, for God's sake, he's staring at me.
Oddness here, Murray, oddness.
Alexander Hamilton imitations, jaded jokes for old men.
What you've done to the kid is a shame,
it's a shame, it's a shame the way
you brought the kid up here.
Grotesque atmosphere and unhealthy.
Women in and out, decorators.
Had he been brought up by a normal person,
-not in this madhouse-- -Hey, don't say that!
It's a certain freakish kind of growing up,
freakish way of growing up.
Hey, are you calling me a freak?
You called me a freak, now you take back what you said.
On June the 3rd, I'll be 42 years old,
I'm standing here arguing with a 12-year-old kid.
Nicky...
Humor is a cloudy wonderland thing.
But simple and clear as the blue, blue sky.
All I want is your simple honest child's opinion of my routine,
but children are too honest to be wise.
Well, my simple, child reaction of what you did
is that you are not funny.
Funnier than you is even Stuart Schlossman,
who is my friend and is 11
and puts walnuts in his mouth and makes noises.
What's not funny is to call us names.
And what is mostly not funny is how sad you are,
and I'd feel sorry for you
if it wasn't for how dull you are.
And those are the worst-tasting potato chips
I've ever tasted, and that's my opinion
from the blue, blue sky.
There he is, there's the old monkey.
There's the old joker, right?
You didn't want to come back to work for me,
you got me up here to step on my face again!
Now, wait, Leo--
♪ Yes, sir, that's my baby-- ♪
That's the song, that's the goodbye song.
Hey, hey, Leo, wait a minute.
Thanks for nothing, you're raving.
Now look, wait a minute, will you, I'm sorry.
♪ We won't have it, yes, sir ♪
-You better cut that out. -Come on, Murray, take your uke,
we'll sing to him, he'll go away.
No Nick, they can't, now just come on, put it down.
Let him go away, he called us names.
Will you be quiet for just a minute?
Oh, Murray, let him go away, please!
-Crummy and bad, you actor. -Hey, Nick, cut it out.
Wait--he can't push us around, not you and me, Murray,
we gotta get rid of him, we gotta, please,
-please, we gotta. -We can't, we can't.
Aww, kid, I'm sorry.
Sorry, kid.
I'm sorry.
Look, uh...
better go to your room.
This is one-room apartment.
Okay, then go to your alcove.
Hey, Leo, I hope you didn't misunderstand,
-you know, we were only kidding. -I myself--
I got carried away myself.
Yeah, well we all got a little excited, I guess.
So, I'll see you at work in the morning, Leo.
Great to have you back, fella, you both hate me.
-Ah, now nobody hates you, Leo. -I yelled at the kid, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to cause any upset.
I don't get along too good with kids.
Well, don't worry about it.
-Wanna come have a drink-- -Ah, no, no, not tonight.
Some other night, huh, Leo?
Yeah look… After I leave,
you horse around with the kid a little bit, he'll feel better.
-Right, Leo. -That bit I did for him
was funny, wasn't it, Murray?
Yeah, Leo, I guess it was just a bad day for you.
Bad day for the old chipmunk.
You don't want to leave that statue lying
on the floor like that, Murray.
No, Leo, no.
See you at the studio in the morning, you old monkey.
You're an old monkey, aren't ya?
Hey, I could use a pastrami sandwich
right now, couldn't you?
On rye, with coleslaw and Russian dressing?
Nick?
Guy calls us names.
Guy talks to us like that.
Shoulda got rid of that moron.
We coulda fooled the welfare people or something.
Coulda moved to Mexico,
New Jersey, someplace.
I hear the delicatessen in Mexico is terrible.
I'm gonna call myself Theodore.
Okay, as long as you don't
call yourself Beatrice.
All right, fool around.
Wait till you see a Theodore running around here.
Now just wait.
Another couple of seconds, he woulda been out the door.
Murray?
Why'd you let him push us around?
Why'd you go chicken on me, huh?
Because your routines give me
outright, prolonged laughter, Theodore.
$4.95 for a new tablecloth
and you leave it around like this.
Perfectly new tablecloth and already there's
dust all over it.
You know, it's very interesting that I left my files here.
That I forgot them, I mean, psychologically,
if you want to analyze that.
‘Course, last month I left my handbag in the automat,
I have no idea what that means at all.
I think that the pattern of our relationship,
if we examine it, is very intricate.
The different areas of it,
especially the whole goodbye area of it.
Hello, Sandy, how are you?
Hello, Murray.
I called the weather lady before.
She says it is a beautiful day.
Say, lady, can I help with any of that?
As a matter of fact, Nick--
Nick, I do not think the effect,
I mean, the overall design of this room
is really helped by all these knick-knacks.
-You mean the junk? -Yes.
Yeah, well, it's not good for the overall design.
So, Nick, if you would just help me put the junk
into those cartons over there.
Nick.
Nick!
Wilbur.
Wilbur Malcolm Burns.
Campers!
The entertainment committee was quite disappointed
in the really poor turnout
at this morning's community sing.
I mean, where's all that old Camp Chickowatomee spirit?
I'm sure I speak for all of us here when I say that I--
And I'd like to say right now that...
that...
Campers, I can't think
of anything to say.