[Skyrocket Crescendo]
Downloaded from MY-SUBS.MX
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- [Boss] Okay, who's on the call?
- [Chuck] This is Chuck from messaging.
- [Barry] Barry from AD.
- [Johnson] This is Johnson from networking.
- Enough with the introductions.
What's the status?
- [Johnson] I don't think it's networks.
- [Barry] It's not the firewall.
- [Chuck] It's not the application.
- You guys done throwing each other under the bus?
- [Chuck] I'm not throwing anyone anywhere.
It's not the application.
- Chuck, do you know who I am?
- [Chuck] Ah.
- I'm Jordan Mackenzie,
fucking department head.
You're a contractor, right?
- [Chuck] Ah, yes.
- You know I can have your ass escorted out of this building
in a minute.
Who the fuck was that?
- [Randy] Jordan.
Do you know who this is?
- No.
- [Randy] Then fuck you.
- [Phone Announcer] Randy Wolf
has left the call.
- Who the fuck is Randy Wolf?
(rock music)
♫ On the sides
♫ Of the deepest pockets
♫ Well for a while
♫ Until you get what you wanted
♫ And there's nobody quite like you
♫ To run the old machines and
♫ Prey on weaker types to make
♫ All of what you've imagined
♫ All the way
♫ You would have to go
♫ All the way
♫ To create your show
(ringing)
(beeping)
(vibrating)
- Ah, no, no,
no.
Nope.
(vibrating)
You delf.
(vibrating)
Hi Kevin,
how's it going?
No, sir, I actually have today off.
No sir, I don't,
no, I don't
know who would have done that.
No, I'm sorry sir,
isn't,
isn't Richard there right now?
Can't?
He's not.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yes sir.
Okay, sir, yes I understand.
Yeah, well just til noon,
and then Richard's going to be there.
Okay, just til noon.
Alright.
Well,
yes sir,
it's gonna take me a second to get ready, but.
Hello?
(rock music)
♫ So big bright and full of light a
♫ Dream that I had punctured night and
♫ Peeled back black so I could see
(rock music)
- [Man] Dan.
Dan.
(rock music)
♫ Just to live
♫ Just to
- You know you're gonna get slammed, right?
- Yep.
- Stam, D M, right.
- Yeah.
- People are gonna freak.
- Thanks Jackie,
I got it.
- You're the techie, right?
Dude.
My shit's gone.
- And what shit would that be?
- Everything.
- Yeah, okay.
We're working on it.
- You're working on it?
I have some important pics on here.
- How important can a picture be?
Don't answer that.
- What's going on?
- Someone jacked up MDM last night?
- What's MDM?
- Mobile device management.
- Alright, look.
- Are you the one who manages the phones?
- No.
Not really.
Not even supposed to be here today.
- Well all my shit is gone.
(laughter)
- [Dan] Laugh it up fuzzball.
- Hey Dan?
- What?
- My phone.
- Yes.
- It's acting weird.
- Yeah.
Ow, what the fuck?
- Out.
Out.
Now, unlike the rest of you leaches,
I actually have an appointment
scheduled with my resource, Dan.
Do any of you have a
open ticket?
- No.
- Have any of you contacted the help desk
to obtain said ticket?
- No.
- The please excuse us.
You owe me.
- Yeah.
Why do I think it came at a price?
- Will you fix my phone?
- See, I knew it.
This is huge.
- So what?
Why were late today?
- I wasn't late.
I had the day off
and they called me back in.
- The day off for what?
- Just,
I don't know,
it's really none of your business.
- I'm not an idiot.
I know Madden was midnight pickup last night.
There's more to life than video games Dan.
- Okay, is there?
Is there really?
- Okay.
So I was going through the project appointment plan.
- Okay, you know, here we go,
I told you.
- I know.
I know.
I know you said no weeknights, okay.
- I'd rather do weeknights than weekends.
- I know but I have you for weeknights
and weekends.
It's an aggressive deployment.
You can sleep when it's over.
Take all the comp time you want.
Just like last time.
- Yeah, because last time,
let's see,
I had a whole Monday
after two 60 hour weeks
that you scheduled.
- Hadn't you heard?
- No, heard what?
- Well after we're done,
they're going to evaluate us
and you know, if,
- What, if what already.
- They might not renew our option here.
We all might be out of jobs.
- Fuck.
God, fuck.
I just customized a new car.
- Yeah, well we all have the same contract.
How do you think I feel with a new condo?
So, I just need you to work one weekend.
I'll make it worth your while.
- No, hey, hey,
we said we'd keep it professional here.
- Great.
- Please.
- Sorry.
Okay.
So, just fix this thing.
- Yeah, I fixed it.
- And we can both be on our merry way, okay.
- Let me just get this back in.
(rock music)
(chatter)
- Do you clean this?
- Yes, I clean it.
Would you hurry up please?
I'm very sorry you feel that way.
I just need you to fix this
so I can go do my work, okay.
- I'm done, I'm done.
- It's not that big either.
My little brother didn't have a problem with it.
He's played with it all weekend.
- Hey Danny boy,
is that the new Nokia model?
- [Dan] Nope.
- Cause you know
Rob and I, we get dibs on all new equipment.
- Why?
- Because we're FTE baby.
So Dan,
where are the new tablets?
- I don't provision devices.
Randy does.
- Well Randy's not fucking here right now, is he?
You didn't see Randy did you?
- The bastard's always late.
He'll be here.
- He comes in at lunch,
then he takes his lunch.
- Fucker.
Like you said,
F-T-E.
(rock music)
- Hey.
- This guy here yet?
- No.
I've checked a couple of times this morning.
- Slacker.
- I know right.
- What's your name?
- Alana.
- Yeah.
I can read.
Are you new here?
- Yeah, I'm here to pick up my laptop.
- I bet your laptop's not ready yet.
- It better be.
I want to get to work right away.
- Definitely new here.
- Yeah, well it looks like I'm gonna have
a longer than lunch to slack off, right.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- A contract.
- They'll renew you guys.
It'll be too disruptive.
You're essential.
- Yeah.
Don't know about that.
- What are people gonna do
when they can't log in and get to
facial book?
(laughter)
- Yeah.
Yeah, speaking of essential.
I got to listen to that guy
spoil Game of Thrones three times a day
every freaking day.
- You really got to see this series.
It's on HBO.
It's called Game of Thrones.
Awesome.
There's this little dwarf character.
He's like the hero of the show.
But there's a really great character.
And she's like this white hair.
- Victim number two.
- [Jake] Gabe.
- What?
Oh.
- [Jake] Where are my TPS reports?
- Hey Jake.
Jake, he's--
Guess what, Jake is looking for you.
- Who isn't man.
- Okay, well just go ahead and make yourself comfortable.
It's not like you're late for work or anything.
- What are you talking about?
I've been working.
I have all my calls forwarded
over to my cell.
- Yeah, I called your cell this morning.
You didn't pick up.
- Yeah, I said I had them forwarded.
I didn't say I actually answered them.
- What's with the shirt?
- What are you talking about?
It's fuchsia.
It's like a fashion,
it's a fashion statement.
- Did it come with a purse?
- What are you so attitude about?
Oh shit, that's right.
It's your day off.
I forgot.
You got dicked man,
what's Richard's excuse this time?
- Want to know what he said to me?
(vibrating)
- Actually no.
Hold that thought.
I got to take this call.
I'm sure it's very important.
How.
Yes, it's a traditional native American greeting.
Yes, I'm in America.
Yes, but they outsource the IT to the Indians.
Okay.
You say email not working.
You send message via US Postal Service.
Namaste.
- God, it's amazing the shit you FTEs get away with.
(rock music)
Can you please leave me alone.
I'm trying to figure out what the heck happened here.
- What's going on buddy?
- Well I'm trying to figure out
what the fuck happened to MDM.
Someone jacked it up last night.
- Uh oh.
- Uh oh, what?
- No, it's nothing.
Okay, first you tell me what's going on.
And then I'll tell you what I did.
- Okay, well I'll tell you
that they were lined up outside the door
like an Apple Store,
trying to figure out what was wrong with their phones.
- Okay, yeah, that makes sense.
So what happened was,
I was wiping it.
- Oh, my--
- No, no, no, it was just one phone.
- Randy.
- It was supposed to be one phone.
I think I might of accidentally
selected and entire container.
- Oh, you think?
Maybe it was an entire container
that we're looking at right now.
- Come on man, you know,
like the database thing confuses me.
We need a good database administrator.
- Okay.
Can you quit deflecting.
- I'm not deflecting.
It was the fucking database.
- You know, I am so sick and tired
of cleaning up after your shit.
- Yeah, but you're so good at it.
- This is your--
God damn it Randy.
- Shalom.
- Nice blouse.
I have one just like it.
- This is not a blouse.
This is a man's shirt.
- I hear you can read other people's email.
- Kind of, yeah.
Yeah.
- Excuse me.
- You.
- Oh yeah.
I told you your laptop's not ready yet.
- Well I can't do anything without it.
- You can hang out with me
while I work on it.
- I got things to do.
- Yeah, but you just said you can't do any of them
without your laptop.
Pop a squat.
That chair's got your name on it.
- Okay, so,
so he's influencing everyone to pick his friend,
as you say,
and then he gives,
he gives
front of the contract,
which is a,
conflict of interest. - Conflict of interest.
- Okay, okay.
Alright, yeah.
Got it.
- Can you check real quick?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Well, we have some things that we need to fill out.
Appropriate security,
they need to involve--
- All of the forms that you need,
I just need to confirm it first.
- Okay.
Right, but,
if it's not confirmed then,
we just violated
several policies that corporate security has in place.
Actually, they require me--
- Dan, right?
- Yeah.
- Dan, Dan, Dan.
You're on the Delta contract, right?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, what's that,
I don't know what that look is for.
- How they treat your team.
You guys don't even have medical.
Your BFF Randy
used to be a contractor.
I made his position FTE.
- I'm sorry, are you suggesting?
- Yes, I'm suggesting you being a made man.
- Well do you guys have an opening?
- Well, if my boss is in the wrong,
then we might.
Look,
no more ops,
no more long hours,
no more on call.
And, you would be long term.
Are you familiar with the expression
tit for tat?
- Can you believe that
some dudes still don't know about private browsing?
Believe it or not, this is like the best part of my day.
People surfing and downloading habits
really say a lot about who they are as people, you know.
Like you say Asian fetish,
nobody's gonna accuse this guy
of being anti- slant eye.
- Isn't that a little inappropriate?
- Yeah, it's totally inappropriate.
Inspiration for masturbation
should never come from the color of someone's skin.
- No, I don't think you understand.
- Whoa, jackpot.
God.
This guy's such a fucking perv.
Hold on, hold on.
Check it out.
Saigon sphincters dot com
tasty taints,
crouching tiger hidden t-bag.
I spot a brown eye,
stinky rice dot TV.
Chinese fingering trap dot com.
Genghis Cock,
come plow chicken,
bang cock banging cocks,
Tokyo drip dot com,
cockzilla.
Majestic sluts dot net
exclusive camel toes
jizz guzzler.
This guy searched craigslist
for meat curtains in the for sale section.
You should probably wash this laptop,
like wipe it down.
I touched this.
- Yo, Jack Ryan.
Kathy did some paperwork for you.
- Hmm.
No shit.
- You know you have to take a poly
for the security clearance.
- A poly?
- So anyways,
and investigator will be in contact with you shortly.
- Okay, hey,
thanks guys.
(rock music)
(vibrating) (video game sounds)
- What the?
Hey man,
did you,
did you take your drug test?
- Yeah.
Already took care of it, why?
- I mean like why?
Why, like,
what happened?
Like how'd it go?
- Honestly,
it's kind of a pain in the ass.
But it's only once a year, so,
you got something to worry about?
- No man.
- Then suck it up big man.
- I like it when you call me big man.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, yeast chips.
Oh.
- Look at this fucking guy.
Who reads the newspaper at work?
I mean who reads the newspaper at all actually?
Hey.
Why don't you go back to your fucking desk
and look at CNN.com?
It's less blatant asshole.
- I'm no my break.
- What's your rate?
Five dollars a minute?
So the tax payers of this great nation
have just spent $50 for you to
sit here and read the fucking sports section?
Ah, fuck that guy.
Hey, I heard you might be moving on up buddy.
- What?
- No.
I mean it's probably not gonna happen.
- Oh, no, Jake said that they were already scheduling
your poly man.
- What?
- No, Kathy just said that
- Kathy?
That bitch.
- She's not a bitch.
- She's manipulative.
Don't trust her promises.
I could have worked for her too,
but I didn't want to kiss her ass, so.
- Oh, that's so unfortunate.
Your mouth, her ass,
my little filmmaking.
- Oh my god.
- No, no, no,
we can call it
Gab Analysis,
or Market Penetration.
- Shut the fuck up.
- Look, it's probably safer for me up there anyway.
- Yeah, exactly.
You just run for the life vest
and leave the rest of us to drown in the water.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Safer, life vest?
What are you talking about?
- They might not renew our contract.
- You guys are essential, okay.
They touch you,
their technical support would get hit so bad,
I promise you,
they'll never complain again.
- Well I guess then they'd just be left
with your 15 minutes of work
that you put in
between your two hour lunch break
and your suspiciously long bathroom breaks.
- Vera, that was his Goodfella's impression.
- I'd tell you the truth if I thought you'd could handle it.
- Yeah, here we go.
- Okay.
Go on, tell me the truth.
- We live in a world
with firewalls,
and those firewalls need to be guarded.
Who's gonna do it?
You?
You Timothy Weinberg?
- Weinberg?
- Let it go Timmy,
he's on a roll.
- I have a greater responsibility
than you can possibly fathom.
You have the luxury
of not knowing what I know.
That my work hours
and social habits,
while unconventional and somewhat offensive,
probably saved lives.
That my existence,
while grotesque and incomprehensible to you,
saves lives.
You don't want the truth
cause deep down in a place you don't talk about at parties,
you want me on that call.
You need me on that call.
We use words like
user error
and reboot
and please try that again.
We use these words as a backbone
to a life spent helping morons.
You use them as a punchline.
I have neither the time
nor the inclination to explain myself
to a user that rises and sleeps
under the blanket of the service that I provide
and the questions the means
by which I provide it.
I'd rather you just said thank you
and went on your way.
- He does a great Rachael McAdams.
(soft music)
- Hey, you hear for your drug test?
Come on in.
(soft music)
- I really don't understand
why the test needed to be administered this way.
- Why?
Are you nervous?
- Well I'm not comfortable, if that's what you mean.
- You're being overdramatic.
Think of me as
a passive participant
to something you probably do daily.
- I guess metaphorically speaking,
the government's been doing this to me for years.
Ironically, I always thought drugs
would be a prerequisite for this sort of thing.
(dramatic music)
- Whoa, dude what the fuck?
(laughter)
- When you pointed at your crotch,
I thought you meant urine.
- It's not that funny, okay.
I'm traumatized.
I might never be able to go the bathroom
in this building again.
- Good, the test was annual.
Annual, typo.
- Yeah, I see that Sherlock, thank you.
- Get over it.
It's over now.
Forget it.
- This really upsets me man.
- Yeah, you're so sensitive.
(laughter)
- Do you know what the worst part is?
- What?
- How quickly I submitted to another man's request
to insert something into my anus.
- Okay, technically, he never made that request.
You, you just ran with it on your own.
- Oh my god.
Do I have latent homosexual tendencies?
I think I might be gay.
- Okay, you're not gay.
- You don't know I'm not gay.
You don't know that about me.
You just said it yourself,
I'm too sensitive.
What's gayer than being too sensitive?
I'll tell you what,
flashing your corn hole
at the first mocha skinned guy you see in the bathroom.
That's what.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's pretty gay.
That shirt didn't help.
(laughter)
(dramatic music)
- Why can't I just use my phone?
So which one's better than the other?
I heard this one's better.
- Uh huh.
- How about this one?
- Yeah, sure.
- Aren't you tech support?
- I don't know what I am anymore.
- Well how about you support me in this decision?
- [Randy] I just did.
- You said both were better than the other.
- Uh huh.
Yeah, that one's got a smaller screen,
so it sucks for games and porn.
And that one's more secure
so you won't really get any good games and porn.
- Well that was helpful.
(rock music)
- Ah, I hadn't had one of these in ages.
- By ages she means this morning.
- Yeah, well I mean obese have such a skewed
perception of time and space
when it comes to food.
Yeah, no, I believe that the acceptable wait time
between meals is inversely proportional
to someone's waistline.
I mean you take you for example,
back in the day, I'm sure she had a 32 inch waistline
at which point,
a four to six hour window,
perfectly acceptable between meals.
- And now?
- Now,
having achieved Optimus Prime's waistline,
I give her two hours,
three tops before she resorts to cannabism.
- Did you see that look she gave us?
- Yeah.
I mean people do that to smokers, you know.
- It's bullshit.
- They're just on a suicidal, glutinous path
and every single double cheeseburger she inhales
and no one fucking flinches.
We light up and everyone looks like
we just clubbed the last goddamned seal on earth.
- It's not fair.
- Yeah.
- Ah, shit, here we go.
- Oh no.
- Hey.
Guys.
- [Randy] No.
Go away.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get out.
Go away.
- I was just wondering.
- You know when we're out here we're on break.
Right Carter?
- No.
See ya.
See what I have to deal with?
- I deal with just as many idiots.
- I don't think so man.
I don't think you do. - Yeah.
- I think I deal with more idiots.
- You're like enough for like 50 idiots.
- There's too many idiots in the world.
(rock music)
- Randy, my buddy.
Hey man.
hey, I was wondering
what do I do
when I find a wallet, boom
to a minimize the latency of World of Warcraft?
Hey Randy?
Randy?
(playful music)
- [Boss] As you can see,
the numbers are not bad.
But we can do better.
We're not slacking on our SLAs,
which is a good thing.
But there's always room for improvement.
If there aren't any more questions.
- [Woman] Yes Bob,
I was wondering if you could go over the metrics
for performance in Q two?
- Ah.
- [Bob] Yes, thank you for reminding me.
So let's talk a bit
about how we got there,
where we are.
(playful music)
- I set up Twitter
to sync with my Facebook,
that way when I tweet,
it goes automatically to Facebook
but there's latency.
It takes a least five minutes to show up.
Is that our network?
Is there anything you can do about that?
Nice shirt.
- [Woman] So what's got these things slow?
I don't know,
it's been slower than yesterday.
Anyone on the call have any ideas?
- Okay, what are you clicking on?
- [Woman] I don't know.
- What are you doing on the website?
Give me something.
- [Woman] I don't know, it's just slow.
The whole thing is slow.
- Okay, slow to,
slow to load the home page?
- [Woman] No, homepage is fine.
I'm looking at it now.
- How do you know that it's slow?
- [Woman] I don't know.
(playful music)
- I'm telling you,
everything is locked up.
Nothing's happening.
- [Dan] Timmy.
Timmy.
Listen to me,
not a touch screen buddy.
Use the mouse.
- I clicked on something
and it took me to a porn site.
It was an accident.
I don't want to get into any trouble.
- Is it true that you can see the pictures on my phone?
- So I'm at the computer,
minding my own business,
and the weirdest thing happened again.
Porn site.
- Is it true that you can read my email?
- Is it true you can access my webcam
without me knowing it?
- The weirdest thing just happened again.
(playful music)
(vibrating)
- Oh no, no, no,
you fucking son of a bitch, no.
No Richard, you fucking pick up.
You pick up you fucking,
fucking voicemail,
goddamn it.
Richard,
Richard, I got a fucking text message you son of a bitch.
You fucking son of a bitch,
I know you didn't go anywhere
or you missed a fucking flight.
Huh?
How do you even know I got your text.
You can't just send a text
and think that
you're in the fucking clear.
How do you know you I got it?
Huh?
Aside from the fact that I fucking mentioned
that I got it,
how do you fucking know that I got it?
You fuck,
you know, fuck you.
Fuck you, fuck you.
Thanks Richard.
You dick.
- You know, you just can't slam phones down
the same way anymore.
First you have to like hit the button to turn it off
and then,
and slam it down I guess,
but then you're like,
hey, shit did I crack my screen?
Hey man, why don't you just go home?
- I could.
- Ah, you're full of shit.
We both know you're a boy scout.
- Yeah.
And what would you know about responsibility?
- I know that no one here has any.
- I keep making the wrong moves
with this contract situation man.
It sucks, I should be home right now.
- Playing Madden or jerking off?
- Probably Madden.
But I'd probably rub one out during halftime.
- And just like that,
time for lunch.
I'm thinking Chinese.
- Chinese again.
Yeah.
Third time this week.
You got here like an hour ago dude.
- Well I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
Maybe exposing my butthole
to a strange dude in the restroom
has increased my appetite.
Do you want to eat
or do you want to analyze my time sheet?
Come on.
Did you see Kathy's ass today?
- Yeah, I make it a point to see that ass every day.
It's part of my daily routine.
I bet her dingle berries taste like skittles.
- I don't know if I'd go that far.
- I'd probably go that far.
I was thinking about something.
- Yeah, let me have it man.
- You know how in Monopoly
they've got that get out of jail free card?
- Yeah.
- Imagine
if you will,
if you were suddenly issued
a get into vajayjay free card.
It's the vajaja voucher.
A vajayjay voucher,
if you will.
- You mean like a gift certificate for sex?
- No exactly.
Okay, no here, imagine this.
You have a one time voucher
that would obligate the woman of your choosing
to have sex with you.
And she has to accommodate your request.
So what do you think?
- I find your erotic and somewhat disturbing fantasy
oddly intriguing.
What about her marital status?
- Irrelevant.
- Age?
- Usual restrictions.
- Friends, coworkers,
second cousins?
- Yes, yes, gross but yes.
- Domestic only, or internationally accepted?
- Domestic only.
Some conservative regions of the world
place too strict a penalty when it comes to sex.
And others just see it as a way of life.
- Right, cause that would make this unrealistic?
- Yeah, shut up.
Even hypothetical sexual scenarios
need restrictions.
It's the boundaries that make them more tangible.
There has to be a catch.
- So what's the catch?
- You only get one.
So you got to bust nut wisely.
- Any special considerations made if she's menstruating?
What about if she's a hermaphrodite?
I think the presence of a dick
should nullify the transaction.
- No do overs.
- That's brutal.
- That's cool, yeah.
- Did she just smile at me?
- I think it was more like
one of those,
I'm glad you're all the way over there kind of looks.
Hey your rape card would come in handy here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who said anything about rape?
This place is always packed.
It's just coffee.
You know crack dealers don't get this kind of loyalty.
- Well, it was just coffee,
15 years ago.
Now it's headquarters for the environmentally conscious
left leaning, European car driving douchebags
who think they have sophisticated taste
cause they overpaid for a bunch of ground up coffee beans
that were hand picked in inhuman conditions
by underprivileged children
who's life expectancy is comparable
to the warranty of an iPad.
Which coincidentally,
is manufactured on another continent
by underprivileged children
under even less humane conditions.
- So, what does that make them?
- Well I told you, douchebags.
- So we're douchebags?
- Oh no, we have to work our way up to that.
I'd say in the coffee house
central class structure,
we fall somewhere between
local grad students who for some reason
find the distractions of a packed coffee house
to be the ideal study setting
and dirty gophers over there
hiding behind their laptops.
- I don't know what dirty gopher is.
- Oh yeah,
a dirty gopher is a man
who seeks out a strategic seating arrangement
in close proximity
to an attractive woman
with the hopes that
said attractive woman will inadvertently
give him a glimpse of her panties.
Which by the way pales in comparison
to the images these idiots could be looking at
on those rectangular shaped things in front of them
currently serving as pathetic camouflage.
- I don't know at that.
So, take a look at that guy.
He's just kind of minding his own business.
- No, no, wait for it.
See.
Just like gophers.
- The fuck?
- Yeah, this game of peekaboo
became an instinctual part of our genders
shortly after Eve started wearing a fig leaf.
Before that whole apple biting incident,
we were sort of indifferent to the womanly parts.
Now, even centuries later,
we start as little boys in middle school
accidentally dropping our pencils,
and eventually
many of us carry this time honored tradition
on well into adulthood.
Here comes round two.
- What the hell, that's amazing.
- Hey, I wonder if any of those guys
can help us out with our database issues.
- That's wrong.
- What?
(playful music)
(group chatter)
Gentlemen,
hi.
I was hoping maybe you can help me
with a technology related issue.
- What makes you think we can help you with that?
- What makes me think?
How about 400 plus hours of tech support calls
to the entire cast of Slumdog Millionaire?
- Is there something we can help you with?
- Yeah.
I need a database administrator.
You guys in?
- So we are to your technology needs
what Mexicans are to your landscaping?
Should we hop in the back of your pickup truck?
- Don't be ridiculous man,
just catch a lift with one of your cab driver buddies.
- Hey what the fuck is that man?
- That's enough, that's enough.
Let's go, let's go buddy.
Come on.
- [Randy] I didn't say anything wrong.
- Oh Kathy, I really need to sign those--
- Vera.
- I've sent you like 10 emails today.
- Oh, well you can just bring them on by the office.
- Okay, or you can stop by and--
- These earrings are so adorable.
Where'd you get them?
- Thanks, I got them online
from one those like charity websites.
All the proceeds go to help save the pandas.
And who doesn't like pandas, right?
- Cute.
- It is, so, the papers.
Really important.
Just drop by before two today,
and we'll get it all done,
and I'll be out of your hair.
- Bring them on over to my office.
- Or also that.
Okay.
Well I'm gonna go.
- Great. - Let's do lunch sometime.
It's been forever. - yeah, sure.
- Your life.
- Definitely, okay.
- Bye.
What a bitch.
- Those are the ugliest f-ing earrings
I've ever seen.
- You know what, that was really embarrassing, okay.
I don't need you to pull me out of every social situation.
- Me?
I am amazed that you've gotten this far in life
without being curb stomped.
- You know, you don't understand me.
You're supposed to be my friend.
I thought we were cool.
- You're treating me like I'm short round.
- Well.
What do you want from me?
I call it how I see it man.
- Okay, this is,
this is what?
Does anything actually phase you?
- Ah,
- I'm serious, like,
to pull the kind of shit that you do
and have not gotten your ass beat,
you're either a complete genius,
or the most blessed fucking idiot
without absolutely no fear.
What are you afraid of?
- I am six foot five,
235 pounds and there's two of me.
- No, I'm serious.
What are you actually afraid of in life?
- I don't know.
I'm afraid of black women and gay men.
- Seriously dude.
- No, yeah.
Have you ever seen a black woman get angry?
It's crazy.
And gay men, when they get angry,
they turn into black women.
- God, it just doesn't fucking stop with you.
- Look man.
You drive.
I don't feel like it.
- Seriously?
- It's crazy to me that things like that still happen.
- Crazy, it's not even actually crazy.
It's pretty shocking to me.
- It's so much more than shocking.
- Hey, anybody know databases,
hop in back, it's good pay.
- Nice blouse asshole.
(playful music)
- Daniel?
- Dan.
- Okay, Dan,
I'm here for your poly.
- Oh, okay, yeah, right.
Okay, I was
warned about,
told about you guys.
- Just to be clear,
this is a life cell poly,
which means
some questions may seem evasive,
but I assure you they serve a purpose.
So, let's start with baseline.
State your full name.
- Daniel Shumaker.
- Date of birth?
- September 7th, 1987.
- What is your job title?
- I am a systems admin.
- Have you ever engaged in any unlawful
or unethical activities
in your place of work?
- No.
(beeping)
Oh, I'm sorry.
What was the beep for?
- It's okay.
- Does that mean,
does that mean I'm lying?
- No, everyone gets dinged on that question.
But we'll come back to ethics later.
Are you now, or have you ever been affiliated
with any groups or organizations
that have ill will toward the United States government?
- No.
- Do you now or have you ever engaged in
any homosexual activities?
- Ah, I saw Magic Mike in 3D.
I don't think that makes me gay.
(beeping)
- Okay.
Do you now, or have you ever had thoughts or fantasies
involving rape or violence?
- No.
(beeping)
Okay, no.
Not, not intentionally.
- I don't understand.
- Well you know how in Monopoly,
you know, they've got this get out of jail free card?
So you know, I just thought it'd be funny
if there was like this get into vajayvaj free card.
- A what?
- I'm sorry, is there anyway that we can just kind of
come back to
the rape thing another time?
- Okay.
Have you ever engaged in any sexual
our lewd acts in the office?
- No.
(beeping)
Maybe a little bit.
- Explain.
- I diddled my project manager a few times.
That's it.
(beeping)
Fuck.
And I
masturbated in the Enterprise office.
(beeping)
I masturbated right in that chair.
(beeping)
and in Kathy's office,
and the fourth floor conference rooms,
and I tried the server room,
but it's a little too cold.
- Do you realize how creepy you are?
- Nope.
(beeping)
Oh, hi.
Hi.
You are with Kathy's team, so,
I mean you guys must know each other?
- Can you come to the data center?
- Okay, would you like me to come
cause I do the systems.
- No need.
- I'll tell you what,
we'll give you a call if there's a semen shortage
on any of the servers.
- I think it went okay.
(rock music)
Who's that?
- Oh, it's Amanda from marketing.
- I didn't know Amanda was your Facebook buddy.
- Who said anything about Facebook?
- Where'd you get those pictures from?
- Ah,
- Do I want to know?
- What?
- Why?
Holy shit.
- It's good to be the admin.
- What are you doing?
- I have,
I have admin privileges on everyone's work computer, right.
But they should only keep work stuff on there.
Just because you have a folder called my pictures
doesn't mean you should load it up
with your very, very private vacation photos.
- Okay, close that, now.
- Why?
- It's wrong.
- Says the guy who wants a rape voucher.
- Can you stop calling it that.
Look, just because you got,
because you can access people's files
without them knowing,
doesn't mean that you can snoop around like that.
I mean,
you should be using,
using admin privileges for
troubleshooting workstations.
- I am troubleshooting.
She submitted a ticket.
Said her computer's running slow.
Maybe it's running slow because
she's running out of disc space.
Maybe she's running out of space
because she doesn't realize
the file size of her enormous titties in RAW.
- Yeah.
Just be professional.
That's all I'm saying.
- Professional's a lost art
in this consumer driven world.
- I don't even know what that means.
- It means everything's so fucking casual these days,
business casual.
B-Y-O-D.
I want my iPhone to connect to my work,
and I want my necklace to connect to my
corporate resources.
Like that's so fucking secure.
The line between work and play
is like so blurry when it comes to technology.
No doubt these fuckers can be super productive
when they're checking social media
every 15 minutes.
So excuse me,
excuse me captain America.
These fuckers are too stupid to realize
that every time they sync their phone to their desktop
it also copies over their sexting pics.
Check this out.
Look at her.
She's so beautiful.
- What is that?
- Oh, that's her webcam.
- Oh, that's live,
right now?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All I did was--
- No.
I don't want to hear how you do it.
- Alright, what if I printed out a peeping tom voucher?
Shit, Fredo, what's up?
- My daughter's in trouble.
- What?
- She's stuck in Nigeria.
- Have you tried calling your daughter?
- No.
- There you go.
- [Daughter] Hello?
- Betty, honey.
- [Betty] Dad?
- Are you okay?
- [Betty] What?
- Where are you?
- [Betty] At work.
- When did you get a job in Nigeria?
- Jesus, really?
- I got your email.
- [Betty] What email?
Dad are you okay?
- Hey, Betty.
Your dad's fine.
Okay, he just sent some money to a stranger
for a plane ticket to escape blood diamond runners.
I'm gonna go clean up his computer,
and he's gonna call AMEX.
But everything's cool, okay.
- [Betty] Okay.
- Say bye Freddy.
- Bye Freddy.
(playful music)
- I'm pretty sure we each get our own.
- No way man,
they're just gonna give us a huge one
and we're gonna have to share it.
- Well here he is.
Let's just ask him.
- Ah, can I help you guys?
- Maybe you can help us settle something.
How many clouds are we buying?
You know, the clouds.
How many are we purchasing?
And please tell me we each get our own.
- Cloud?
Oh, bless your hearts.
Okay, cloud services.
I don't know if you guys know exactly--
- Time out.
Where is it physically right now?
I mean is it where I think it is?
- It's not in the clouds.
- Well not anymore.
Right.
Thanks a lot Al Queda.
- Okay.
Cloud--
- Do you think I can see one.
Cause I'd really like to see one.
- Me too.
I would really like an orange one as well.
Definitely an orange one.
- Yeah, I like where his head is at
because I don't want to confuse mine with his.
So I was gonna go with something like metallic blue,
you know, a little bit more subtle,
nothing over the top.
- Yeah, alright, so.
Metallic blue.
Orange.
Just make sure you don't pour water on them
cause they will multiply.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what any of this is about.
Is that why you guys came to my office?
- Oh, not at all.
We're actually here to ask you
about your SOPs
as they pertain to the privacy act of 1974?
- And also, have you been the admin on duty all day today?
- Ah, yeah.
Hey, Kathy.
- Knock, knock.
Why are you out of breath?
- I wanted to mention I'm out of breath.
- You should cut back on the smokes.
- I should cut out the smoking.
Quick question.
Who was that in my office?
- Corp Sec.
- Corporate Security.
What for?
- For your screening for your position.
- Well I thought all I needed was the poly.
- What poly?
- That poly interview.
- You don't need a poly for this.
- Then who was Carla?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- God, those little fuckers.
- Excuse me?
- You know, I am so sorry for coming into your room
and just being all,
- Did you find that email?
- Oh yeah.
About that.
I started looking.
(soft music)
I really don't know.
- You don't know?
- Well I don't know dates.
- Dates?
- Yeah, I need dates.
Dates.
A date?
Okay.
Would you like me to take you on a date?
- What?
No.
- Okay.
Okay, sorry, I'm just miscommunicating with.
Sorry.
Go team, yeah.
(rock music)
(woman moaning)
- What?
- What are you watching?
- Oh, I'm just watching a tutorial
on how to install something
I want to install later.
- Really?
- Yeah.
The guy's about to insert his disc.
- I am sure he is.
- Hi Kathy.
- Oh, hey Raj.
Did you ever figure out that guy's email thing?
I mean I tried everything man.
It's definitely not his client.
- Yeah, it was a bad load balancer.
- Good, you're amazing.
(woman moaning)
- I'll come back later.
- That boy's wicked smart.
Kasey Affleck, nevermind.
But he actually is super smart.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah, he went to IIT.
- Don't you mean ITT?
- No, no,
Indian Institutes of Technology.
It's like harder to get into than MIT.
- Isn't that in India?
- Yeah, did you see Raj?
Does he look like Sitting Bull?
Anyway, that's the kind of guy I want on my team.
(woman moaning)
- Can I have my coffee now?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
I don't like coffee, go ahead.
- Hiya buddy.
- How's it going?
- Whatcha doing?
- Oh, just looking at some tickets.
- Tickets, hm?
I saw that alt tab.
- Okay, I may have been looking at a little you porn.
- Bullshit.
You never hide porn.
- Don't.
Don't.
Stop it, stop.
- Tell me. - Stop it.
- Tell me.
- Oh my god, okay.
I was researching latent homosexual tendencies.
- Oh my god.
You are unbelievable.
- See, I knew you wouldn't understand.
My people have been through decades of persecution, okay.
I could use a little bit more support on this.
- Your people?
- Yeah.
- Every few months you conjure up
some baseless,
life altering emergency.
You notice that?
Hmm?
Last January
when you thought you had testicular cancer.
You had the whole office taking up collections
on your anticipated medical expenses.
You couldn't stop going on about how
you're gonna be Randy one ball.
- I felt a bump.
- Yeah, that was a pimple.
- Yeah, thanks for checking that out for me.
- Yeah, that wasn't high on my bucket list.
- Sorry.
- You confused caffeine induced jitters
with Parkinson's.
- I had the shakes.
- Yeah, well five cups of coffee
is gonna do that to you buddy.
Remember that soup only diet?
You had nothing but alphabet soup for three weeks.
You have a bad habit of not flushing the toilet.
I went into the stall one time.
I swear to god,
it looked like you gave birth
to a Charles Dickens' novel.
- Those were the worst of times.
- You make them the worst of times.
- And now because of one misunderstanding
in the men's room,
you are preparing for a life
of bone munching.
Here's a dose of reality.
You are not gay.
You are far from being gay.
Because every homosexual man that I know
has cultural awareness,
social grace,
is in shape.
You couldn't entice Andy Dick on Viagra
with that battleship you call an ass.
For better, for worse,
you're just a heterosexual middle class man
with a serious case of homophobia.
- So mean.
- I'm sorry.
That was rough.
Can we move past this now?
Can we talk about my problems?
- I'd love to talk about your problems.
Your problems are awesome.
Favorite part of my day.
- Well, I think,
I may have,
may have,
screwed up my security screening.
- Your poly?
- That was a fake poly.
- Wouldn't get your hopes up about that job buddy.
- What do you mean?
- Well rumor has it that Kathy's pushing HR
to make an offer to Raj.
- Roger Smith?
- No, no, no, Raj.
Short for Rajar Babananu.
Rajar Baba
yeah, whatever.
(rock music)
- Can I help you?
- Yeah.
Quick question.
Why did you give Raj the job instead of me
when I have been here
just as long?
- It's like having one of those
smart outsource people local.
- Really?
- Plus, your poly wasn't great either.
(laughter)
- Okay.
A fake poly.
- Yes, but your answers were still suspect.
Corp Sec talked to Carla
and their audit's corroborated.
- What audits?
- Well, that you access other people's information
without proper protocol.
- No, what information.
- Like other people's inboxes.
- Damn, you told me to do that.
- It's part of your screening,
for the position.
- Bullshit.
- Careful.
- I don't fucking believe this.
What do you know about our contract?
- They may renew it.
- Oh, they may
renew it?
- Maybe.
Is that better?
- Alright, all this
is bullshit.
- You know,
we could argue this all the way up the food chain,
or you might want to chock this up to
try again next time.
But if you burn a bridge,
there definitely won't be a contract.
- We take it to the top,
it's your word
against mine.
- Do you really want to battle?
Besides, you like me.
You gawk at my ass.
- Yeah.
I just didn't think it'd actually shit on me.
- Cheer up.
I'll make it up to you one of these days.
- No, no.
No, you make it up to me today.
- Okay.
How about a juicy steak from Morton's.
And a mocha frappuccio from Starbucks.
You like those.
And a friendly hug
that lasts up to but not beyond 10 seconds.
- Okay, how about we skip all of that bullshit
and you literally provide me
with your part
of the tit for tat agreement.
- You little perv.
Are you serious?
- You bet your balls.
- For how long?
- I don't know, mere seconds.
I mean my phone's in my pocket so,
no sneaky pics.
- I think I'd rather keep my dignity
and just sit with you at Starbucks.
- Ah, sit with me at Starbucks, okay.
Well you'd be surprised at how much of your dignity
you can loose by just sitting at Starbucks.
You can think about this as
my parting severance pay.
- Fine.
But this fulfills my obligation.
- Fine.
You can stay seated.
I can see right from here.
- Son of a bitch man,
you're too quick.
- You didn't get it?
- Psych.
I remoted in her cam before you were even in her office.
- Oh my god you majestic pink wookie.
- Woo.
- Oh, look at your faces.
You guys need to stop watching so much porn at work.
- Oh, we've never looked at porn at work.
- Come on man.
- Well anyway.
I just came to tell you, Dan,
that I managed to get most of your work
on the project reassigned.
- Okay, um,
yeah, quick part about that.
I didn't get the job.
So.
- Oh.
- Anyways.
- Well, I still reassigned most of your work.
- Okay.
So what do you want me to do?
- I don't know.
I could give you some work on my next project maybe.
- But if I'm not working now?
- Maybe you shouldn't have tried to find another job.
- The fuck?
That's not fair.
- Oh, really.
This is coming from the man
who invented the rape card.
Oh no, no,
the vajayjay voucher,
get into vajayjay voucher.
You really want to talk about what's fair?
Yeah Dan, I heard about your stupid little fantasy.
- Okay, it's not rape.
It's merely a voucher
that would legally,
it's legally obligate the woman.
- What?
You sound like a congressman.
- To be fair, it's just one rape.
You only get one rape.
- Oh great.
- It's not rape
- Great.
It's just one rape.
- It's not rape.
- And who's gonna be the lucky recipient
of your voucher?
Oh, no, no, no,
let me guess,
Kathy?
- Oh.
- Yeah, that manipulative bitch
wouldn't let you within 20 miles
of her nether regions.
- Her northern hills aren't so restrictive.
- Who said anything about Kathy?
- And how would you feel anyway
if it was reversed?
Like what if I had
a get dick card or something
and all I had to do
is show it to some guy,
and he's obligated to do me.
- Yeah, that's a great idea.
That would totally work.
Get dick card.
- Yeah, no, you don't need one of those.
You have boobs, so it's all good.
- I'm sorry,
hold on.
What does any of this have to do with me
trying to improve my job status?
- It's--
(laughter)
- Maybe I did what I did because
nobody else in this office is looking out for my career.
- Oh, what is that supposed to mean?
- It means that you like to keep me like a prisoner
in isolation.
You know that I do good work.
If you don't want me to branch out
for fear that someone is just gonna
poach on your precious resource.
- If you want to see other people,
you can just say it.
- Ah, yeah, I did.
That's what this morning was all about.
Seeing what's on the other side.
- And now you just expect us all to welcome you back
with open arms?
(rock music)
- Dude, you've been looking at Facebook for like
20 minutes.
You hate Facebook.
All you're doing is looking at pictures of Vera.
Why don't you just go talk to her.
What's wrong?
- Nothing.
No, I'm happy, really.
I'm about to have all day to do what I want.
- That again?
Dude, they're gonna renew your contract, okay.
But if you hate it here so much,
why don't you just quit?
- Cause I'd have to go find another job.
- So.
You're a techie.
The market's good.
- I think I proved today
that I don't interview well.
- Look man, it's not a Miss America Q and A, okay.
They're gonna ask you if you know how to configure
a cloud and they're gonna stick you in a room
with a bunch of douchebags
that look just like you.
Look, I thought you stayed here
because you are comfortable,
a lifer,
but today,
I saw you go for something.
There's hope for you.
- It doesn't matter.
Vera's gonna make my life a living hell
if I stay on this floor.
- Just go talk to her man.
She doesn't care about you and your job.
She cares about you and Kathy.
- There is no me and Kathy.
- There sure as shit isn't any more.
But you know you were going for it.
You stay with Vera because she's a nice,
reliable Toyota, okay.
You wanted to go for a spin
in the Mercedes.
If your settling for Vera,
then you need to let her go.
It's not fair to treat her like that.
(somber music)
- Yo.
Want to grab nine holes and some brews?
- What?
- You know, tee time at four,
happy hour at six.
- Yeah, cause I'm not FTE,
I can't leave early, yay.
- Okay, okay, we get it.
We get it.
You're mad at us,
but you got to admit,
that fake poly thing was funny as shit.
You know Carla and I,
we go way back.
She had fun.
Peewee Herman ain't got nothing on you.
- Enough.
Enough guys.
I mean you guys had your fun.
- Oh, come on man.
No hard feelings.
- You know, this is bullying.
I could report you guys to HR.
- HR, HR.
Remind me,
is HR one of the
parts of the building
where you yanked your meat?
- You know, because of your little prank,
no project manager in their right mind
is going to put me on their team now.
- See, I didn't realize we were playing for the Dolphins.
You know, talk to your coach about it.
- Yeah, I might.
- I'm sure she'll take great care of you.
- Okay, I actually have no idea what you're talking about.
- Your coach.
- Who?
- Vera.
- What are you guys talking about?
- She's your supervisor.
- No, she is not.
- Look, you wanted to work for Kathy.
I get it, she's got great tits.
But would you trust her?
Exactly.
Vera, she's got nothing but good things to say about you.
I've seen her defend your ass
when you're not even around.
She really cares about you man.
That's rare.
Besides, you must be doing something
to get that kind of treatment.
Uh huh.
You know what I'm saying?
I know you wanted to be FTE like us,
but really, it's all of the bullshit
with even more bureaucracy.
We've even got our own Gabe.
- Hey, did you see the Game of Thrones episode last night?
- Yeah, I don't really watch that show
with all the houses and shit.
- I'll break it down
so you can get it.
We'll start with the mother of dragons.
- Yeah.
If it makes you feel any better,
we just heard that they'll renew you guys.
You keep the lights on for us.
You want me on your wall.
You need me on that wall.
Yeah.
- I'd rather you just say thank you.
- Bam.
But don't you go thinking that we're peers now
or nothing, okay.
- What?
- We get to go golfing now.
- Yeah, and you guys just invited me.
- Oh, oh, no.
Why, it's not,
it's not even five o'clock yet.
Damn.
Sucks for you.
What was I thinking?
Later techie.
But hang in there,
and something will open up soon.
- Yeah.
Yeah, maybe one day I'll be just as lucky as Randy.
- That Randy.
- Randy has loose lips.
He already told Vera about your little meeting with Kathy
and did Raj a solid by recommending him.
(rock music)
- Yo, what's up man?
Yo man, let's go.
Get some food.
Me so hungry.
That is an unnecessarily menacing look.
- Why did you tell Vera
about my job interview with Kathy?
- I didn't do that.
- Please don't do that again.
- Why
did you tell Kathy to hire Raj
instead of me?
- That's not what happened.
that's not how it happened at all.
I don't understand your aggression.
- Why Randy?
- It's cause I didn't want you to move to Kathy's floor man.
We wouldn't be able to hang out as much and stuff.
- You son of a bitch.
- [Randy] Oh fuck.
(rock music)
- Why are you always
try to extinguish
my plans to do anything?
(rock music)
(yelling)
♫ Eyes, those searing eyes
♫ That tear us apart
♫ Limb by limb
♫ And thighs, those slender thighs
♫ Wrapped so tightly around what they expect to win
♫ And though the time has gone
♫ You know you can't be wrong
- You're making me do this.
You're making me do this.
You brought this on yourself.
- Oh, god, fuck Randy.
Shit, what the fuck did you spray in my eyes Randy?
- It's just breath spray man,
spearmint.
It's sugarfree.
You'll be okay.
- God.
I don't understand man.
- I smoke cigarettes man.
You got to keep it fresh.
- I don't understand what the hell got into you.
- I'm doing you a favor man.
- A favor?
- Yeah.
- I don't want you to be stuck man.
- Well what if I want that?
- You don't.
- Why are you okay with being stuck?
- I guess you just kind of accept it eventually.
I'm a generic person in an error message.
File not found.
Contact your systems administrator.
- But you're good at it.
- Remember that time we told them it'd take us
two days to migrate those accounts.
- We wrote a script in two hours.
Played World of Warcraft for the rest
of the 46.
- We're good at our jobs man.
- Yeah, we're good at avoiding hard work.
- Exactly.
So maybe you don't hate your job so much.
- It's just,
it's just lacking.
- What's lacking is your social life man.
Why didn't you go golfing with Jake and Rob?
- I don't know how to play golf.
- Who gives a shit?
See you miss the point man.
It's not about
doing what comes easy all the time,
doing what's comfortable doing.
It's about trying new things.
It's about getting out there.
It's about doing what makes you uncomfortable.
It's like having a girlfriend man.
Do a whole bunch of shit you don't want to do,
but you do it for her.
- I'm sorry I hit you in the nuts.
- It's okay buddy.
I'll get you back.
(soft music)
- Fuck.
- I'll do weekends.
- What?
- Well you need somebody to do weekends, right.
- Yeah, but.
- So, I'll do them.
You know, for the team.
- Okay.
Fine.
- So you want dinner?
- Just dinner?
I think you owe me so much more than just dinner.
- Oh, okay.
So, what did you have in mind?
- Well, I do have a few vouchers of my own.
- Oh, really?
- I think we'll get started
with a go fuck yourself voucher.
- Okay,
- Followed by a carry my purse around the mall voucher.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I deserve that.
So what do you want?
It's my treat.
- Sushi.
- Okay.
Well, we'll hit the pharmacy,
see what they have for high mercury levels and salmonella.
- I also have an entire bag
that's full of no sarcasm vouchers.
- Okay.
But I think we really do need to hit the pharmacy.
- Okay.
- I think the insides of my eyes are bleeding.
- Okay, then we should probably do that first.
- Yeah. - Alright, let's go.
(soft music)
So, did you hear?
- What?
- They renewed our contract.
- Yeah.
- We're essential, you moron.
- Yeah, I know.
- No, you didn't.
- No, I had no idea.
- You're such a dumbass.
- Yeah.
- And I'm essential.
- Whatever.
It just means you have to come in
and make sure everyone's shit's working.
(rock music)
- Oh god, oh.
Oh, you shit.
- Hey guys.
- What's up Freddy?
- Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for everything.
I'm about to head over to HR.
I got some great news.
I just won the Jamaican lottery.
(rock music)
Seven million bucks,
and a new Mercedes Benz.
(rock music)
It's weird, because first they said
it's a prize and then they say it's in inheritance, so.
It's a little strange,
but seven million bucks, man.
- So it's just a Jamaican typo.
(rock music)
- I just wanted to thank you guys for everything
before I tell HR to kiss my black ass.
(rock music)
- Does the email perhaps ask for
any personal information?
- It did.
I gave them my
information and sent a check.
Yeah, I think this one's legit
cause it's on my iPhone.
You can read it.
(rock music)
See, it's--
- Yeah.
They spelled Mercedes wrong.
Why don't you wait til the check comes
before you quit your job.
What do you think?
- Should I wait?
- Yeah, just wait.
- We'll keep it a surprise.
- Yeah, we won't tell anyone.
We'll throw you a big going away party and everything.
- Okay.
Thanks guys.
- No leave that here.
- Thanks.
- We'll get him a new laptop.
This one smells like shit.
Anyway, Jessie Eisenberg.
Fucking hate that guy.
- I saw Magic Mike in 3D.
I don't think that makes me gay.
I eat,
I drink bubble tea.
I put moisturizer on before I go to bed.
I shop at H&M.
Cried during the Notebook.
I shape my eyebrows.
Saw One Direction live.
I own a Dirty Dancing poster.
I own (inaudible) on bluray and DVD.
I highlighted my copy of Fifty Shades of Gray.
I own a glass dildo.
- Asians Gasians dot com,
boobies, boobies, boobies, boobies
boobies, boobies, boobies, boobies dot org.
Two girls with one chapstick.
Hungry, hungry beavers dot com.
Memoirs of a gasian.
Asians eating Asians.
Me cum long time.
Easy cum easy blow.
It just keeps going.
♫ We're all deserving of the light within our blood
♫ Come out of hiding
♫ Come on and shine like the sun that you are
♫ Come on and break your fears a
♫ Break them apart
♫ I wanna know what drives our world
♫ I wanna turn the gears below
♫ Nothing greater than sharin' our mind
♫ Keep on makin' our own paradigm
♫ Come out of hiding
♫ Come on and shine like the sun that you are
♫ Come on and break your fears a
♫ Only to rise above
(rock music)
♫ Come out of hiding
♫ Come on and shine like the sun that you are
♫ Come on and break your fears a
♫ Break them apart